It’s funny I wrote my last post on Oct 5th about it becoming easier and then I kind of fell. It started out slowly- just this sadness. I thought I could work my way out of it, but no. My husband was staying up late to watch playoff games on tv, we weren’t really connecting, sad thoughts were stirring around in my head and while over the course of the last few months I seemed to be able to move past them quicker, now suddenly I couldn’t.
Thoughts were lingering, they felt heavier and one thought would lead to another and suddenly that slow decline became a quick plummet. My mind was pulling up old hurts, lies and humiliations- things I hadn’t thought about in a while were now front and center in my head. I thought about how much I needed my husband this time four years ago but he used my dad being in the hospital to bring her here. Weekends when he would meet me at the hospital- had he been with her first? Nights alone waiting for him to come home. Weekends with just the kids and I. Lies I believed so easily because of blind trust. I felt so broken again, I closed up inside myself, cried in the car, in my room.
I went deeper within myself when he was around. I only talked to him if I needed to. I avoided looking at him. Remembering it all disgusted me and the triggers which are always present- hello, I’m still living in the home he used to fuck her in twice- were soul crushing.
I tried to lean on my friends, my faith but nothing seemed to break the heavy gloom that had settled itself around me. I’m tired and spent. When an endless slideshow of horror is playing in my head, with my husband in the role as the one intentionally choosing to inflict all the pain- I can’t help but NOT feel safe. This is not the first time he devastated me and I have no assurance that it will be his last.
His word is nothing- he has proved himself to be a master manipulator and liar. He has proven that he’s capable of deception, of caring only for his needs with no thought or concern given to our children or me.
So why am I still here? Still hoping? Still trying?
Because I know my husband. I fell in love with a good man. I know now that I chose to minimize somethings that should have concerned me more, and had I had more knowledge, self awareness and understanding I would have tolerated far less and demanded far more.
I am doing that now. I have told my husband that I will not shy away from things that cause me pause or concern. I will not ignore things simply to keep things status quo or maintain an illusion of harmony. I will not keep quiet because that is easier- I have learned that either i deal with issues now or I will I deal with far greater heartache later. My husband is here trying- is it always perfect? No he isn’t and neither am I. We stumble, we fall but we are committed.
I know the man he wants to be. I have seen him at his absolute worst and I deserve to see him at his absolute best and despite all the ugliness I know I will. He wants to be a changed man, so different than the man he was while he had his affair.
I have faith in him, in myself and in our faith. There is a light in both of us that will never go out- it’s been dark, it’s been heavy. We have felt hopeless and in despair and yet that light is still there.
I’m not out of the woods and maybe I never fully will be but I know each time I think I’ve been broken by it I have only become stronger.