I love my husband.  That is first.  That is what’s most important.  But my struggle is- do i know my husband?  I thought I did, and the man I thought I knew would never have fucked me over like this.  But i think what I need to understand, and try to accept is that both are true- i know him and i didn’t.  My husband had demons that he was battling- demons of porn, low self esteem and self worth.  Some of the demons I didn’t realize were so powerful in his life and the other demons I never even knew existed.

My husband is kind, he’s good, smart, successful, and handsome- i never would have guessed that he hates himself.  That he cant accept that his family loves him.  He thinks -how can they love me when they don’t really know me?  He’s ashamed to show us who he really thinks he is. There’s so much he is hiding- that his nights are spent on porn, chat rooms, and sick desires and fantasies.  That he’s been going down a dark path for years. A path where the thrill of each new,vile image, and  interaction quickly loses its ability to captivate him and so the only solution is to go further down the dark path, further away from us- his family.

His deep need to be liked, accepted, and approved off comes with the secrets that he’s trying to hide.  Secrets that will explode in his face, and when they do the first time i tried to protect him- let him save face.  3 years later though- he would choose to forget all that.  He will forget the grace we showed, the compassion and the sacrifices me and two young children made for him and he will instead choose to start an affair with someone who tells him his sick fantasies are normal because she’s even more fucked up than he is.

He will believe he is finally being seen and accepted, but a woman so wretched truly only cares for herself, and so they both use each other. He for sex and acceptance, and she to get all the material crap and paid trips she wants.  They’ll both care more about themselves than their children and spouses.   They’ll make unfair comparisons, one based on fantasy and one based on reality- where reality, his life with us and responsibilities, comes up short!

They’ll tell themselves its love- they’re both fuckin idiots, and when the light of truth causes fantasy to shrivel up and die- he will be sorry.  He will beg for forgiveness but forgiveness is a gift I’m still struggling to give to someone who purposely chose to hurt, not only me, but also our kids.

Than there’s me.  But life and responsibilities need me, so that will have to wait for next time.