I got through it all- all the big major firsts after D day. At 11 months I’m still in shock. I still can’t believe this is my life.
You anticipate and look forward to firsts at certain milestones once you choose to begin a life with another person. We shared firsts as an engaged couple, then as husband and wife, as first time parents, then as a family of four, our firsts in our new home… and now we’re here- at a year of firsts we never anticipated- the firsts post D day.
The first one was just a week after D day-my son’s birthday. His actual birthday was fine. I went back and forth on wether I would even let my husband see him, since I had him move out. In the end I let him join us for dinner out because it’s what my son wanted. I ate nothing because I couldn’t. I cried at times but at some point I reached my hand out to my husband and we got through the dinner.
His birthday party was much more difficult to get through. I had invited friends from school in addition to family. I was angry with his family’s response to his affair. My brother couldn’t come because he stayed behind to help my mother care for my dad. My sister didn’t know yet. Her and my sister in law got lost coming to the kids play place where I was having the party. My phone wasn’t working, so I needed to borrow his to call them, and i hated asking him for anything- any help.
I called him before the party in a rage, so I was in a mood going in. My nephew was terrified at the party and cried the whole time inconsolably and so my family left early. I tried talking to my husband’s sister and BIL but all it got me was crying and wretching in the parking lot. I am writing about that day with tears still – it hurts so much. I can’t believe I endured that a week later. My baby wanted his dad and that’s what mattered but I think if I could go it again I would have cancelled his school friends, my husbands family and my husband from coming to the actual party. Or maybe not- because my heart break was hidden from my kids for the most part during the party and they had a great time. I wonder if they remember me falling apart in the parking lot?
Valentines Day-less than a month after D day. I went to stay with friends that week out of state with the kids because things between my husband and I had gotten horribly violent. A search of his work email post D day showed he planned to take her to a really nice restaurant. He had no plans with me. There were also lots of other elaborate plans for the two of them. It’s sickening how fucked up he was. He had been back home for a bit at that point but after he assaulted me he was out of the house again and back at his sister’s house. I didn’t speak to him.
The friends I was staying with were mutual friends of both my husband and I, they were trying to help both of us through this and so they let my husband know I would be staying with them that week. I wanted it to be clear to my husband that just because we weren’t home that didn’t mean he was welcome back into our home. As far as I was concerned he lost everything the day he put his hands on me- I didn’t care that I had hit him several times since the day I found out. I didn’t care that I had been hitting him for several minutes when he lept out of bed and started chocking me. So I changed the locks before I left. Our friends let my husband know but he came by anyway. He would tell me later he felt so low when he realized that he couldn’t get inside. I asked him if it was as low as I felt when I learned, from his whore no less, that she had been at my house and in my bed!
He would spend the weekend in a crappy motel since he needed to be available for work. I got a new phone prior to my trip. The kids and I would break up the drive- my brother would have us stay with him the night before I left and my sister in law would convince me to book the nicest hotel possible.
We left the morning of Valentine’s Day. The kids were amazing on the long drive. It was fun pulling up my dirty, messy minivan alongside the pristine, luxury cars waiting to be valet parked at the hotel. The kids and I go to a local aquarium and enjoy a Valentines dinner out. We have nice baths and sleep in the most amazing bed. I feel strong and proud of how I’m coping for the first time since D day.
At 2 am, when I cant sleep, I would use my phone. I realize that my new phone is synced to my husbands and I can see his Google searches- he’s looking at porn and chat rooms. I screen shot it. I immediately call him after not speaking to him for days, and ask him what he is doing? I tell him I can see his searches. He tells me he’s not doing well and asks about the kids and I respond that he has no right to ask about us. I hang up but text him a picture of the kids from that day with a message that says do better.
i send my brother and the friends I’m staying with the screen shot. I am so hurt and disappointed that my husband is still going back to these things. The husband of the couple I’m going to stay with calls my husband and is very stern with him but gives him some good advice. My brother realizes my husband truly has a problem – he sends him an email that he also cc to me. My brother’s email is gracious- he reminds my husband of the man he used to be and asks what happened to that man? My heart is full of pride over my brother, my family- I feel fortunate that my family is who they are. The email also begins to thaw my heart as I remember the good man my husband once was.
March- it’s my daughter’s birthday month. It’s a year ago that he started his affair. His trickle truth had me believing that it turned physical later on in the month but I’ll find out in the summer that while I was busy planning my daughter’s first birthday in our new home he was busy kissing and feeling up the whore at work.
The circus is in town and my husband persuades my daughter we should go there to celebrate her birthday this year. He is staying at his parents now but we go together as a family with my nieces who are the only family members who can make it. It is mostly uneventful except for the fact that I lose my wallet. I lose a lot of things this year as I deal with the stress. We go to a local mall afterwards- it’s full of triggers of things he brought her. I am closed off. I try to put on my best front for my daughter but I can’t be fake- it exhausts me.
i decide this month too that I’m going to start redeeming things. Things like special dates and places. Friday the 13th is special to me- there is one in March. We go away for a night. We have an amazing night. He makes a great effort to make me feel special. I make a great effort to do the same for him. We have lots of fun and it feels good to be together.
The next day we pick up the kids and go to see the movie Cinderella. The mall is again full of triggers- he never asks how I’m doing. When he still doesn’t ask me on the car ride home, I lose it! I scream and yell. My pain means nothing to him. He taints so much but he gets to live unscathed by it while I’m falling apart every few minutes.
I scare the kids. He had gotten me flowers- I throw them out the window I dump the water near him. He is driving the whole time. We have our kids in the car. I am losing it. The pain is too much.
We celebrate his birthday this month too. His parents didn’t see our daughter on her birthday. So we go there so that they can celebrate the two birthdays – we order some food. I surprise him with a cake. On the ride there my daughter mentions her Girl Scouts troop is going to have a father/ daughter dance. Her and my husband both express excitement over it. I had gotten emails to register for it weeks earlier. I put it straight to trash- no fuckin way is the man who was willing to leave us going to act like he’s some great dad. I break the news to my daughter that the deadline to register for it has passed. She’s heart broken- I’m heart broken for her but I still don’t regret the decision – two months into D day I know I can’t deal with that. Getting her ready to send her out with my husband/ her father, the dog. Now he decides we matter and are worth his time and effort. No- it’s just another disappointment for all of us. My husband selfishly made a shit sandwich and we all have to eat it!
That’s the first set of firsts for the first two months post D day. It’s hard to write this all out but I need to get it out. I need to share it. I need this pain to mean something and I think I do better with an outlet for the hurt, anger, and injustice of it all!