im going to start referring to the ow as ne- even though she is a whore I’m trying to remember that she’s also a human being and I really don’t want to go through the rest of my life hating her
My DDay is a few weeks away. When all this came to light and the sorrow was so debilitating – I couldn’t wait to get to the one year mark because I knew it had to be less painful and it is in some regards but it’s also harder in other ways. This time last year is so much fresh in my mind – last week I found myself wondering had my husband planned his trip with ne by this time last year? Had he already called to make reservations for valentines Day? Had he thought about when he would go and buy the gifts she wanted? It’s a sad fucking place for a wife’s mind to have to go. There I am in the kitchen making dinner for my husband and kids wondering about these things and as usual the tears come because the sorrow is still so deep.
Knowing so many details about that time sucks.
When I heard my husband on the phone with ne on Dday – I lost it. I screamed. My young kids were in bed and they were so scared but I couldn’t stop yelling. I had snatched my husband’s phone, I demanded his passcode and started looking through it. The emails told me the worst of it. In the meantime I sent him to comfort our kids- he told them I had a bad dream and then proceeded to close their room door.
Both of of our kids were scared of the dark, even with a nightlight, so we kept their doors open and the hall light on for them. My husband, being a fucking asshole at the time, could care less about that. He’s more worried about getting back to me, so he can get his phone and try to delete shit. Knowing my babies were scared shitless in the dark, listening to me yell, kills me. It was probably 30 minutes later that I said I need to go check on the kids and I went up and talked to them and tried to console them.
the shit that my babies went through- the screaming and violence they saw between us is awful. The number of times I broke down sobbing – how do you process your mom falling apart- especially when you’re so young? Here we are – were suppossed to be making their world feel safe and secure and we’re a mess.
My husband trotted ne around so many places and each of those places became a fucking trigger. We would be driving in the car and I would lose it. It’s never a good idea to lose your shit in a moving car, especially when your kids are in it.
I never gave thought to how I would respond if my husband cheated- it wasn’t even a possibility in my mind. But even if I had, I would have never predicted the rage.The beast in me was out and wasn’t going away for a while.
I held onto his phone. I called ne back but ne’s an idiot and thinks everyone else is too – she tried to act like she didn’t know who my husband was. She knew her cash cow was about to be slaughtered and she was trying her best to stop it.
Sorry ne- if you want more than a job a 15 year old could do and a higher pay grade maybe you should have opened up some books in school instead of just your legs! Or, here’s another thought -maybe live within your means- there’s nothing wrong with living modestly – it’s how my husband and I lived for a very long time when that’s all our income allowed for. But hey- here’s your consolation prize, once he did start making money- you’re the one he chose to spoil. Sure, you pretty much demanded it, because you’re a whore and a whore needs to be paid right? But still you got shit that you had no right to. You had no claims on MY husband! Made none of the sacrifices my children and I made.
Once the truth came out, I spoke to one of my husband’s business partners- he had been there for a couple of years. He knew ne well. He said she was always fishing for a sugar daddy- my husband, though was one of the stupid ones who took the bait. He thought he was special but to everyone else at work – he was just a joke. A fool getting used! They all felt sorry for him- not me, not yet. All I felt was anger- so much anger!
My rage was so consuming and it was directed for the most part at my husband. I hit. I slapped and punched. I threw things. One day I threw a 3lb weight at him. He screamed, fell to the floor and started writhing in pain. I looked at my husband – there in obvious pain by my hand and my only response was to- say “good asshole- that’s where you belong” and to walk out of the room. The next day I could barely look him in the eye I was so ashamed.
The nights were awful. I knew a lot of details and asked for more. I found her online and hated her. I could imagine them together- see it in my mind and I had no idea how to make it stop. Suddenly I was comparing myself to her constantly and wondering how I fell short. What was her appeal? There had to be something if he had chosen her over me?!
One night the images wouldn’t stop. The fact that he started the affair around our daughter’s birthday was another betrayal. I was busy planning her first birthday in our new home. He was busy being a dick. All of it got the worst of me. I was up -cursing at him- calling him a piece of shit and an asshole. I told him he was fucked up! A fucked up husband and father! I started hitting him. It went on for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. I couldn’t move under his weight and his hands were against my throat chocking me. I was shocked. I kept waiting for him to stop and when I finally realized he wasn’t going to I said- I can’t breathe. Suddenly he jumped up off me and ran out of the room.
I laid in bed for a few more minutes trying to absorb the shock of what just happened. How dare he! He had no right to hurt me any more! He had no right to lose it! I wasn’t the one who had had an affair – I wasn’t the one who betrayed our marriage, our family, our home- the very fucking bedroom I was lying in. He was! I was the one who had to deal with all that shit and now this!
i got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I saw the scratches and bruises on my face. Fuck him I thought! Fuck this! This wasn’t a marriage- what the fuck was this – adultery, domestic violence! Who the fuck was I now married to.
i took pictures of the marks on my face and one on my thigh that i had gotten the night before. I was yelling at him. He started hitting himself and when I tried to stop him he pushed me away and I hit the nightstand in the bedroom.
I then got ready, got dressed and went downstairs. My husband of course was fast asleep – why lose sleep over assaulting the wife you betrayed?
I got into my car and drove to the police station. I was inside my head the whole time- telling myself why I needed to do this. When I got there though I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I eventually called a couple who we were mutual friends with-who knew everything that was going on in our marriage. it was about 6 in the morning. They didn’t answer their cell phones right away but a few minutes later the husband called me back. I told him what had happened and where I was. The husband talked me out of going to the police and then called my husband and told him he needed to leave the house.
there would be more violence between us two but that was the worst of it- those at least were hidden from our children. There would be others that wasn’t. Hearing your kids say they’re scared. That they think they’re going to die. That they just want to be normal and do normal things again. Its awful – especially when it’s all because of things you and your spouse have done.
The affair is painful enough but the lies, the betrayal- remembering all the ways I had been a good wife while he was with her. It’s demeaning and humiliating. I was sending texts, pictures, videos – so he wouldn’t miss out or miss us. What a fool I was- he was more than happy to pretend we didn’t exist. This was thrilling, new and exciting. It made him feel so good. How could the children and I compare to that? NO- he was the absolute fool! Because when he could have been with his family- who loved him, he chose instead a woman who is vile, greedy and self serving. She only wanted him for his money. And when she didn’t feel like she got enough she let all her fucked up shit show and she was seriously fucked up.
But he could forget all that and move past her fucking craziness and moral failures because he was a moral failure now. He could leave us, lie to us, go away and fuck her and bring home his crap for me to unpack, wash and put away. He could scream at our kids and put them to bed in tears over and over again because all he cared about was getting back to his phone and texting her. When I would come up to see why our kids were so upset he would say- then you put them to bed, and I would.
He would go whole days even when he was home either not seeing our children or barely seeing them because he was out with her and wouldn’t get home till they were in bed. So the first time he tried to discipline our children post affair- I lost it! Months later when he told me that I wasn’t letting him be a dad by stepping in and siding with our son when he didn’t like the way our son was behaving, I didn’t care. You don’t get to pick and choose when you get to be a father.
The triggers were something I just could not deal with at all early on. I would find things from their time together and it would destroy me. One of those times- about 3 months into D- day it became too much. The pain of the affair, coupled with his complete lack of empathy for the pain HE caused became unbearable. I wanted relief from all the emotional hurt I was feeling and I took a knife one night and started cutting my inner arms. Even as I was doing it I knew it was crazy but it didn’t matter- the only thing that mattered was feeling something else more strongly than the emotional anguish that was non stop. It was a low moment. Seeing the marks on my arms and knowing it was self inflicted just felt like me betraying myself. I knew how much I was hurting and too add more pain on top of that is just wrong.
When I wasn’t assaulting my husband I was assaulting myself. Slapping my face repeatedly for being a fool, for trusting, for not fucking seeing it! I hated myself for being so stupid. I hated that I had married this man and this was the life that my kids and I were now living.
it was some bad fucking times.
Go ahead idiots, have your affairs! Tell yourself you deserve it, need it, that you’re missing out- whatever! Convince yourself no one will find out, and best of all tell yourself- you’re not hurting anyone! Of course you’re not!!