Life Now

Well the good news is that i actually feel like I have a stable life again rather than a continuous tornado ripping through my life – coming violently first on D day and then from so many triggers. For months and months It would feel like just as I was making some strides- a thought or trigger would implode my life again and once more I would be brought to my knees looking at the shambles of my life and family.

While it certainly feels good to feel emotionally settled somewhat now- I am realizing the need to not get too hopeful, thinking that it will all be smooth sailing ahead. This was made clear this past week when my husband and I attempted a date night.

We decided to forgo the usual dinner date and instead I made a delicious meal at home trying out a couple of new recipes and revisiting  some old favorites for our meal. The fact that even our kids ate without complaints was an added bonus. After dinner we dropped the kids off at the sitter and then went to a ceramics studio for a couples’ night they were having.

Now, I knew before going to the studio that it was in the same shopping complex as a restaurant that my husband and ne had ordered food from. I thought I could handle it- but once I saw the restaurant all these other thoughts came with it. The fact that he brought the meal to my house. That she was made welcome into my home and everything that followed the meal. The thoughts, the images were flooding my head.  This my life now.

I didnt say anything to my husband but instead forced myself to focus on the present and headed into the studio. Inside, they had completed ceramics on display- I was looking around as we waited in line to choose our ceramic and pay. My eyes then landed on one of a purse with a specific designer’s logo painted all over it. It happens to be a purse that ne had wanted my husband to get her- luckily D day happened before he purchased it, but again this brought up so many other painful thoughts. Things he had purchased her, when they were purchased- the lies told to me about it. Betrayal after betrayal.

I again pushed those thoughts out of my head, wanting desperately to enjoy this time with myhusband. Time that we had been anticipating. We chose our ceramics- two hearts that could be joined together. It was all going well until my husband began to point out some flaws with my ceramic- that the colors weren’t matching up perfectly with his in the area where they would be joined together.  He offered to fix it and instead made a huge mess.

The instructor called for a brief break and walked from table to table praising the couples on their work . When she came to our table she asked what happened. I felt like an idiot! I needed her help to fix it. I was angry at my husband for his nitpicking. I was angry that he had messed up my work. I was angry at all the thoughts invading my mind. I was feeling the weight of so much hurt and then the tears started falling. Here I am in a room full of strangers and my husband crying. This is my life now.

My husband asked me why I was crying. “It’s everything” I responded. He asked what I meant and I could barely contain myself. What did I mean?! Really!  He had an affair. We were just a few stores down from a place he picked up food for the two of them. They sat cozy together in our home – like she had any right to be there. I wanted to take my ceramic and bash it into his stupid head.

Instead I said you will never understand. My husband decided he couldn’t deal with me and said he was going to take a walk. Left in my own head I  imagined that he would walk towards the restaurant, thinking about his night with her in our home. I imagined that he missed it. I imagined that he was thinking how much more fun this date would be with her. This is my life now.

I took some deep breaths. Went into the bathroom to compose myself. Either the couples and instructor were too busy with their own works or were politely pretending not to notice my tears and the fact that I was now alone. It was sad to look at the other couples, laughing together, teasing each other.  I’m the only one with an asshole for a husband in here I thought.

We made it through the remainder of the project without speaking to each other much. We smiled for our instructor as she took pictures of us together as a couple with our finished artwork and then with the group. Our ceramic hearts came out beautifully.

We picked up our kids- thanked them as they oohed  and ahhed over our work. We then went home and ignored each other for the rest of the night and went to bed.

Some time in the night he wrapped his arms around me. In the morning he apologized for all the hurt he had caused with his selfishness and stupidity. He also apologized for not being more sensitive the night before. He shared what was going through his own head as he saw my tears and then the anger on my face.

After I got ready that morning he called me back into our room. He had taken our hearts that had been left carelessly on the kitchen table the night before and placed them prominently on a shelf in our room. They really had turned out so well. He told me again that he was really sorry. That he appreciated how hard I was trying. That he loved me and that just like our ceramic hearts had turned out beautiful despite the earlier mess he was hopeful that the same would be true for our physical hearts as well. He held me close to him and the darkness and coldness that had settled on my heart the night before was gone.

This is the man I know. He is the man I love. This marriage and our children is what we’re each fighting for daily. This is my life now- and it’s the bigger part. The best part.