Emotions

Sigh- it’s not yet noon and if you saw me I would look fine to you. I look fine to my family. Inside there’s such a mess of emotions going on. I’m trying to clean my house but I just need to stop and get it all out.

Last night my husband told me that he’s putting a basketball ball team together for a fundraiser for the American Heart Association. My first thought was my dad and his years of battling heart disease. We talked about who he was thinking of asking to join and then we got busy with something else.

This morning I woke up thinking about how much time he will be away if he needs to practice. I’m  not really okay with him being away from us for long periods outside of work. Then I became angry that he decided to tell me he was putting together a team instead of discussing it with me first. That may have been fine before the affair but not anymore. Everything needs to be discussed with me first and then decisions can be made. So that’s a conversation that will need to occur when the kids go to bed tonight.

My husband and I started attending a new church recently, we really like it and are trying to get involved more. My husband had his first meeting for a ministry he is excited about this morning. While he was gone I was reading some blogs and came across a meme that was posted on one- in it there’s a toast to “men” who are cheaters, liars, douche bags,  run out on their wives and kids and as I was reading it I felt sad and angry because this pathetic group is what my husband had lumped himself in with. He became one of those sorry excuses of a man who cared for just himself.

I don’t know if any of you watched American Idol this past week but Kelly Clarkson was on and she performed this moving song called ‘Piece by Piece’. She wrote it while pregnant with her daughter and is pregnant again now as she performed it.

The song is about her father abandoning her and she finishes it off singing about how her husband will never walk away from their daughter. My daughter was sitting in my husband’s lap. I saw him hug her. I had the thought, you walked away from us. Yes, you came back but you also walked away- over and over again for 10 months. You may have told the ow that you would never leave us but what your stupid head didn’t realize or choose to believe is that as soon as you started a relationship with her you left us.

So anyway all those thoughts were swirling around my head when I read the meme. My husband came home and started talking about church and he was so happy that he had met people. That there were guys talking to him and that he felt accepted. His voice started cracking and he got teary eyed. I went over and gave him a hug and my heart broke for how lonely and broken he’s been. I’m so grateful for this church I think it will be a good thing for us, but especially him.

Soon after my husband got home my son asked my husband to watch a cartoon with him. They couldn’t find the remote, which goes missing at least once a week. My husband looked under the cushions of the couch and there was so much yuck under there that I had to clean it up. Afterwards I was putting the cushions back on and all I could think about was her sitting on my cushions with her fat ass and that’s where my head still is.

angry. sad. hurt. broken. That is me right now.

i miss being okay.

Fear

I mentioned that I started with a new therapist a couple of weeks ago. I had my second appointment with him yesterday. I have shied away from male therapists in the past just due to personal comfort but I got to a point where I realized that I need help and it needs to be from someone who understands the level of truma I’m experiencing. My current therapist does- After I found him I read articles and other materials he published and felt comfortable going ahead and scheduling an appointment.

During our session yesterday we discussed how our family vacation last week  went. I shared with him how difficult it was to truly enjoy the  moment when every woman who walked by wearing something too fitting, short, revealing, or otherwise inappropriate had me wondering if my husband noticed and what he may be thinking.

We discussed what I would have thought and felt if such a woman walked by prior to learning about the affair and what I feel and think now.  He explained that the obvious shift in thoughts and feelings are normal and will stay with me in some degree always because  of the affair and because of  my husband’s sex addiction.  The hope is though, that this shift will affect me less as my husband does the work  of reestablishing trust- and I mean my husband is doing everything he possibly can to let me know my children and I are his main priorities now.  But the fear is gripping.  I take situations and examine every variable and look at how it could possibly lead to another affair. It is maddening!

That evening is a perfect example of this happening.  My husband talked about a race he had signed up for with some coworkers. It’s an obstacle course race, something he didn’t realize when he initially agreed to it. To say that the race is physically demanding would be a huge understatement.

We were talking about how he needed to get in great physical shape to get through the race and I mentioned crossfit. A neighbor friend had done it a couple of years ago and it sounded like it would offer the kind of training my husband needed. We looked into it together, read up on our local cross fit gym. I was excited for my husband- one of the things he mentioned early on and really through out the last few years is how isolated he feels. He doesn’t have any real guy friends or hobbies and interests that he could do with others and so the race and crossfit sounded like ways to address those voids and build some relationships.

My husband continued reading and then said- “this is great, why didn’t you tell me about it earlier”?  I responded that I had told him bout it 2 years ago when my friend mentioned it but that he could have cared less bout anything I said during that time because he was so deep in the affair.

Then the fear started- the descriptions I read earlier that had been harmless were suddenly provoking an unsettling fear. Crossfit was a intimate place where people knew each other’s names, supported and encouraged each other. They have many different types of people doing crossfit -college students, waitresses, stay at home moms.

It was all I needed. I saw my husband training with a small group. A young, fit, vain, waitress/ college student/ housewife  encouraging him on. She would compliment his successes. He would be flattered by the attention. He would like the way she made him feel about himself. He would think of her in her tight leggings and cleavage baring sports bra and come home to me in my sweats, trying to get our children’s homework donea and dinner made. She would still be on his mind.

I told him my fears. He said he didn’t have to do it. None of it matters except me. Him training for a race isn’t worth my sanity.

I love him for this but I tell him I feel bad because he was so excited and it could be a good thing for him. He says, me, our marriage, our family are good things for him. We fill his heart and make him happy.

I go to bed and while in bed I’m still thinking about this. Hating the fear but not willing to put it aside either and just let my husband do this.      I think about one of the videos posted on the gym’s website. It shows kids playing- maybe we can take the kids with us, and him and I can do it together? It’s a level of physicality that is way above my comfort level. But, my husband now, he’s worth getting out of my comfort level. He’s worth the bruises and vomiting I’m sure these workouts will produce but after being in a place where I have bruises and have thrown up from utter and absolute heartbreak maybe this won’t be so bad. I am much stronger mentally, so why not become stronger physically too.

Take that fear!

 

 

 

Bitterness and Joy

Bitterness, I hate it. The way it can seep in and penetrate and cover all the joy I feel.

We spent last week in Disney World. My children had a wonderful time. I did too for the most part. It’s hard though, painfully difficult to stay present.

We were on the It’s a Small World ride. As I sat in the little boat watching all the different countries represented and listening to the classic song I had this thought of when I came to Disney as a young girl at 12. I rode this same ride and I was thinking to myself how back then I wasn’t even thinking that I might one day be back here sitting beside my husband. It was a such a happy thought and it lasted all of a moment because the very next thought that promptly entered my mind was, and I bet you never imagined that your husband sitting next to you would betray you in the worst way!

It was like a punch right in the gut. It took my breath, it was so painful. No, I never imagined that. A year later and I still struggle with believing it. The betrayal, the duplicity. The joy I felt for that moment was replaced by the sadness, hurt, bitterness and pain from my husband’s infidelity and those emotions sit for a while- they make themselves right at home in my head and heart.

I prod through it- smiling at my family, telling  my children stories about my time here as a young girl, I hold my husband’s hand – all the while my mind screeches ugly, horrible things. Bitter things meant to remind me of the worst of my husband and my deepest insecurities. “Do you think your husband noticed that woman  in the short dress? Do you think he’s fantasizing about sleeping with her right now while he’s holding your hand?

It sucks!!! It’s not fair! Why can’t i just enjoy this time with my children fully and completely? Why can’t I see their eyes light up at Mickey, the princesses and storm troopers without having to wonder where my husband’s thoughts are?

Why is the bitterness I feel about the adultery greater than the joy I feel about our past, present, and future?  Why is joy harder to get to? Harder to hold on to? Why is it the greater fight? I mean the bitterness isn’t even a fight- it’s always there, available and ready to slip right in- like a whore!

Joy is harder- it needs to be constantly pursued. It’s rarer but so much richer- it holds promise of how much better things can be. It offers up sweet memories of how things once were and says – I’m worth the fight- like a noble, loyal, wife, joy is worth going hard after!

When things are hard and shitty and you want to give up- those moments of joy maybe just moments but those small moments are powerful enough to say this is worth it. This is truth and life and its achingly hard but also achingly beautiful.

Bitterness may punch me hard in the gut. But joy fills my lungs again. It never fails to come back and rid the darkness away- If I allowed the sadness I felt to stay and grow hard and become bitterness my children and I would have lost tremendously more than we already have.

If I allowed it to win a year ago, it would have robbed my children of Disney world with two parents who love each other. Parents who delight in seeing our children’s little mouths drop open in awe. Who love hearing their happy squeals and laugh with them when the cameras catch their terror on a roller coaster.

Sadness  is fine, after betrayal it’s necessary to feel the sadness, to grieve the losses but I won’t let the sadness turn bitter. The bitterness will tell me over and over and over again as I ride back to the airport that I’m returning to the home my husband betrayed me in. The next day, It will tell me that the memories captured in the pictures we’re devoloping aren’t significant, because the next complex over is where he chose to spend time with her the evening we had plans together as a family.

It will take every opportunity to hurl anguish at me- it reminds me of my goodness and faithfulness while my husband was in the midst of his affair but it paints those things as utter stupidity. Bitterness points it’s nasty finger at me and calls me a fool, a stupid wife that my husband used as nothing more than a maid, assistant and convenient fuck when n.e. and he were fighting.

bitterness is cruel, conniving, cold and damaging. It hates life and seeks to suck it dry.  I won’t let bitterness transform me.

I will let the anger wash over me when I feel it. I know now to expect that sadness will be with me for many years but that’s okay because I’m learning that sometimes knowing the sadness as deeply as I do makes the times of joy, whether they be moments or blissful hours, that much deeper, truer, sweeter, richer, and significant.

i don’t always do this well. Yesterday I gave into the bitterness but today is a new day- it’s been hard. It’s been a day requiring long drives and a lot of time to be in my head but I remind myself repeatedly  that I get the power to choose what thoughts I will feed and today I’m actively making  the  choice to focus on the good- because there is still so much good!!

 

Last Year

This time last year I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I found her Facebook page the night before. I finally had some clear pictures of what she looked like.  My brother told me i should get tested because she looked like a skank. I hadn’t even thought about that. I went to bed crying, screaming at him. I hated him so much that night.

I woke up angry. I called him awful things, things that I still feel are true about the shitty person he was. My anger and rage continued to grow as her image stayed in my head.

I started hitting him. I don’t know how long that went on- All I remember was that the next thing I knew he was on top of me. His hands wrapped around my throat. I waited a few moments for him to let go and then realized he had no intention of letting go. I told him I couldn’t breathe and finally he let go. He jumped of the bed and ran downstairs.

I laid in bed for a few minutes in shock before I got up and went to the bathroom. I saw scratches and bruises on my body.  He had been so rough. Before then I didn’t think I could hate my husband more than I already did but he proved me wrong.

my kids would ask about the bruises. I would lie to them.

That was a year ago today.

i went to help my parents today. I felt sad the whole time.

I cried on the drive home.

when my house came to view I felt sick to my stomach. I pulled into the garage and sat there for a little while trying to hold myself together.

i came inside. The kids and my husband were at the other end of the house, playing video games and laughing.

Everyone is fine except me. I went quietly up the stairs and to my bedroom. More sadness there. I buried myself under the covers.

Almost an hour later my husband came up. He went to the bathroom. He didn’t make out that the lump in the unmade bed was me.

I thought he had his phone by his ear. I was scared I was going to overhear him call someone. I was scared I would hear him call someone his girlfriend again.  I made myself even smaller.

He didn’t call anyone. He came out. He saw me and became startled. He asked me why I didn’t say hi to anyone when I came home. I said I didn’t feel well. I asked to see his phone- there were no calls made while he was in the bathroom.

i went back under the covers. I heard him start packing. Our family is supposed to take a trip. I thought of all the times I’ve seen him pack before. I didn’t know then that it was to go away with her. I started crying and then I couldn’t stay there any longer. I ran to my daughter’s bed.

im still here

im meeting with a new therapist tomorrow. I’m hopeful.

I had my first therapy appointment a year ago today too. While I was in the waiting room I got a call from my in laws asking me where I was? They were in my driveway. Their son had just choked me that morning and he had been told he needed to leave our home immediately by a friend and pastor.

They said they were going to stay with me. They wanted me to forgive their son. My house was a mess. it was disqusting. I had no bed for them because I made my husband throw out the mattress in the guest room where him and her had slept together the first time. My father in law is too weak to manage stairs.

I could not deal with this on top of everything else.

I flew home after my appointment just in time to pick up my children. I had no idea where to go. I wasn’t going to go home to them.

i went to my husband’s job. I told him I wasn’t leaving there until his parents were out of the house. I  stayed there in the reception area with my kids even after he left for the day. I don’t know what the people at his office thought.

I didn’t go home until he called me to say they and him were gone.

i would go home to help my parents the next day. I would get asked about the bruises again, this time by my brother. I would lie again.

i remember pain and shame.

But in writing this out I remember strength too. I would do a Valentine’s Day Scavenger hunt for my kids 3 days later. I would tell my brother the truth. I would stay at his house on the 13th. I would then take my kids and drive to friends in another state in order to get away from all the triggers and madness. I would break up the trip into two days.

A friend, when I tell her my plans, would tell me, that she was so proud of me. That I was doing the hard things.

I was doing the hard things with a broken heart but with an unbroken spirit.

There was of course more pain- while at my brothers home, when I couldn’t sleep I would pull up our cell phone account that I just got accsess to and I would discover  there when and how often he called and texted her.

i would realize he texted her first thing on our 10th anniversary. After a decade of marriage and 19 years of being in each other’s lives, the first thought on his mind  is her. Before he even said Happy Anniversary to me he had texted her. My heart ripped apart even more seeing that.

theres so much pain and hurt to get out.

 

 

 

I hate him so much. What a loser he is. I hope he feels as small as he is tonight. He is not a man, he’s such a sniveling, sorry excuse of a person!

I tried to talk to him. I told him we agreed that he would tell me anytime anyone acted inappropriately at work and he claims that we did not agree on that – so now I have had to write it down and get him to sign it.

Fuck him!! This is not a marriage-.This is some sick, twisted contractual nonsense.

I can’t live in his false fucking reality!

Thaw

There’s a distance between us. I have barely spoken to him in days. The last time we did it only left me more confused, less hopeful. I wish I was better at processing things as I’m speaking to him.

He will say something and instead of it going right to the front and center of my mind demanding clarity. It travels instead to the periphery and settles there- gnawing at me that something he said isn’t quite right. It’s like I need to be away from him and the strong emotions to sort it all out.

When I do finally have it figured out – why I feel unsettled and need more answers I am too tired to ask it. I’m too tired to tell him we need to talk and see the apprehension on my children’s faces. They’re already uneasy – they know things aren’t quite right between us and I don’t want to add anymore to their unease.

I’m too tired to wait until after they go to bed. I’m too tired to find a time when he’s not exhausted from work. I’m tired of him saying in response to me asking if he’s telling me the truth, “that’s the truth and I understand why you don’t believe me, because I don’t have a leg to stand on”.

I’m tired of it all, but I will ask him because this is still a marriage and he is my husband. I need to know him and understand what he is thinking? Is he thinking? Does he realize that he’s a sex addict and that nothing is harmless and innocent. I’m so tired of having to question and second guess things that I would not have been worried about before.

He had been texting his male cousin who used a word my husband wasn’t familiar with-his cousin told him to look it up. This led my husband to a website that’s known for vulgar definitions and expressions.

Now this whole text conversation came up late last week for a different reason- it’s too complicated to explain now but I didn’t make too much of it then. We were driving back from a nice evening out with some other people. We had fun, were laughing. I let it go. I do this a lot and it always comes back to bite me later- I don’t want to ruin a nice time by pushing too much.  I think too much about his feelings instead of my security-I’ve got to get better in putting me first!

in the meantime I miss us. I had a dream yesterday early in the morning. I missed a text on my phone because I was asleep and he was up getting ready for work. He woke me to show it to me. I was groggy from sleep. I didn’t know why he was waking me but I reached up my hand because I knew he was trying to give me something, and in doing so I touched his face. I kept touching it because it had been so long since we’ve touched each other and it felt so nice. I miss him.

He needs to work this weekend- he came home last night and he looked so darn handsome. Since it’s the weekend he was just wearing jeans with a casual button down and a sports coat. I almost told him that he looked great but I didn’t.

i went up to our room soon after he came home. I stayed there for the rest of the night, just like the night before. I was awake when he came to bed last night though. After he was in  bed for a bit and still moving around I told him that I missed him. He told me he misses me too. I said I don’t know how to get through this. He said he didn’t either. That’s it.

i thought of saying more- I thought of making my way over to his side of the bed and wrapping my arms around him but I didn’t. I didn’t because there’s a voice in my head telling me- it’s safer not to.  My heart has been hard and cold this week and I’m scared to let it thaw.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just want to stop hurting.

i want to feel whole. To have no doubts.

why did he do this? How? How could he do this?!!!

i hate feeling settled, only to then have something come and stir it all up again. The insecurities, uncertainties, the fears and doubts. The questions that never have answers.

I want it all to be gone for good. Will that ever happen?

right now they are all there, just laying at the floor of my feet. Just waiting for the first stirrings of a trigger and then the swirling of madness begins again.

This isn’t a life. This isn’t what he promised or what he meant. How could I not matter? How could special moments, times, and days in our lives no longer matter to him?

How could I not matter? How could we not matter?

God heal my pain. I need so much grace today. Im depleted. empty. dry.

it was so nice to feel okay for awhile. But now it’s gone and Im so tired of this broken, miserable place.

heal me today. tomorrow. and everyday

heal me.