Sigh- it’s not yet noon and if you saw me I would look fine to you. I look fine to my family. Inside there’s such a mess of emotions going on. I’m trying to clean my house but I just need to stop and get it all out.
Last night my husband told me that he’s putting a basketball ball team together for a fundraiser for the American Heart Association. My first thought was my dad and his years of battling heart disease. We talked about who he was thinking of asking to join and then we got busy with something else.
This morning I woke up thinking about how much time he will be away if he needs to practice. I’m not really okay with him being away from us for long periods outside of work. Then I became angry that he decided to tell me he was putting together a team instead of discussing it with me first. That may have been fine before the affair but not anymore. Everything needs to be discussed with me first and then decisions can be made. So that’s a conversation that will need to occur when the kids go to bed tonight.
My husband and I started attending a new church recently, we really like it and are trying to get involved more. My husband had his first meeting for a ministry he is excited about this morning. While he was gone I was reading some blogs and came across a meme that was posted on one- in it there’s a toast to “men” who are cheaters, liars, douche bags, run out on their wives and kids and as I was reading it I felt sad and angry because this pathetic group is what my husband had lumped himself in with. He became one of those sorry excuses of a man who cared for just himself.
I don’t know if any of you watched American Idol this past week but Kelly Clarkson was on and she performed this moving song called ‘Piece by Piece’. She wrote it while pregnant with her daughter and is pregnant again now as she performed it.
The song is about her father abandoning her and she finishes it off singing about how her husband will never walk away from their daughter. My daughter was sitting in my husband’s lap. I saw him hug her. I had the thought, you walked away from us. Yes, you came back but you also walked away- over and over again for 10 months. You may have told the ow that you would never leave us but what your stupid head didn’t realize or choose to believe is that as soon as you started a relationship with her you left us.
So anyway all those thoughts were swirling around my head when I read the meme. My husband came home and started talking about church and he was so happy that he had met people. That there were guys talking to him and that he felt accepted. His voice started cracking and he got teary eyed. I went over and gave him a hug and my heart broke for how lonely and broken he’s been. I’m so grateful for this church I think it will be a good thing for us, but especially him.
Soon after my husband got home my son asked my husband to watch a cartoon with him. They couldn’t find the remote, which goes missing at least once a week. My husband looked under the cushions of the couch and there was so much yuck under there that I had to clean it up. Afterwards I was putting the cushions back on and all I could think about was her sitting on my cushions with her fat ass and that’s where my head still is.
angry. sad. hurt. broken. That is me right now.
i miss being okay.