It took me longer than I would have liked, but I finally came out from behind my wall. I had high hopes that I would do it on Good Friday but I was still struggling with hurt, fear, and a whole slew of other emotions.
On Saturday, after 10 days of barely acknowledging him, I put my fear aside and started talking to my husband. I told him about what’s been in my head for the past week and a half and he told me what’s been in his.
It’s during these times- when we’re coming back to each other after a significant divide, that I seem to grasp more fully that there’s a deep wound in my husband. There’s a hurt in him, I believe, that is much greater than mine. While I’ve been dealing with my hurt over the last 14 months, he has been trying to cover his hurt for years now . It’s a hurt that is difficult for him to articulate or understand himself. He knows it has to do with his parents but he stops himself from going much deeper than that.
He may not have my pain always at the forefront of his thoughts, and at times when we’re dealing with something like triggers, the thought that he can be mindless about my pain frustrates, hurts, and angers me but at the same time I can’t say that his heartache is always in the forefront of my thoughts either.
It’s always been easier for me to give my time and attention to others because their needs were obvious or simply because they voiced them. My husband always appeared fine. He put a positive spin on most things. Regardless of whether he was stressed, anxious, overworked, or overtired it was rare to hear a negative statement from him, but all the while inside he was scared, upset and knotted up like a pretzel.
He somehow got to a point in his life where he believed no one cared about him or his thoughts and feelings and that he just needed to suck it up. It something he still struggles with. It makes me sad when I think of my husband and how broken he is. For me to see and care about his brokenness means that I need to see past my own hurt and acknowledge his hurt but do it while accepting that he is the cause of my heartache. That’s not easy to do.
All I know is that i want to love him better. I want to love him like he deserves to be loved. I hope I can, by God’s grace, I hope I can.