Grace

It took me longer than I would have liked, but I finally came out from behind my wall. I had high hopes that I would do it on Good Friday but I was still struggling with hurt, fear, and a whole slew of other emotions.

On Saturday, after 10 days of barely acknowledging him, I put my fear aside and started talking to my husband. I told him about what’s been in my head for the past week and a half and he told me what’s been in his.

It’s during these times- when we’re coming back to each other after a significant divide, that I seem to grasp more fully that there’s a deep wound in my husband. There’s a hurt in him, I believe, that is much greater than mine. While I’ve been dealing with my hurt over the last 14 months, he has been trying to cover his hurt for years now . It’s a hurt that is difficult for him to articulate or understand himself. He knows it has to do with his parents but he stops himself from going much deeper than that.

He may not have my pain always at the forefront of his thoughts, and at times when we’re dealing with something like triggers, the thought that he can be mindless about my pain frustrates, hurts, and angers me but at the same time I can’t say that his heartache is  always in the forefront of my thoughts either.

It’s always been easier for me to give my time and attention to others because their needs were obvious or simply because they voiced them. My husband always appeared fine. He put a positive spin on most things. Regardless of whether he was stressed, anxious, overworked, or overtired  it was rare to hear a negative statement from him, but all the while inside he was scared, upset and knotted up like a pretzel.

He somehow got to a point in his life where he believed no one cared about him or his thoughts and feelings and that he just needed to suck it up. It something he still struggles with. It makes me sad when I think of my husband and how broken he is. For me to see and care about his brokenness means that I need to see past my own hurt and acknowledge his hurt but do it while accepting that he is the cause of my heartache. That’s not easy to do.

All I know is that i want to love him better. I want to love him like he deserves to be loved. I hope I can, by God’s grace, I hope I can.

Trauma and growth

I  read this article this morning and wanted to share it. I would never put my husband’s infidelity on the same scale as the horror this family experienced, but I do find myself struggling with some of the same things that they struggle with – mainly fear.

I realize every day that there is so much out of my control. There is so much about life that I can not predict. If anyone could, understandably, allow their lives to be dictated by fear – it would be this family but they chose not to.

I actually read a few more related articles because I was so impressed with this family’s fortitude, grace, and strength and I’m learning, like them, that I do not have to allow my fears to stunt my living.

As a mother myself, I was really affected by the last few lines of this article. This mother’s love for her sweet boy is so evident in the beautiful words of her journal.  I don’t know how she carried forth despite her pain and the torment I know her heart  and mind experienced, but she did and she did it so well.  It makes me realize that I can too- that we each can, and I pray that we  each  do.

http://www.newyorker.com/tehch/elements/can-trauma-help-you-grow

thoughts

I pass places and think he took her there on a date and there and there  and….

he took her on a date in our new town before he took me.  he wanted to be with her, not with us.

while we were home, he was with her.  he’s spoiling her, indulging her.  while we’re missing him, sending him texts and pictures, he could care less about us.

it hurts and I don’t know how to make it stop hurting. i don’t know how to take away the power that all these thoughts have over me right now.

 

14

Yesterday was 14 months after Dday. Where am I in my healing?

Well, today I’m behind the wall I put up whenever I get scared. I’ve been here since last Thursday evening. I looked at some old blog posts today and I realized that I retreat behind this wall fairly regularly. There was a period there, for a little while,  where it would just be for a day but the last two or three times it’s been days- sometimes a week or two that I stay behind here.

It’s safe here for me. I don’t have to worry about him hurting me while I’m here.  I barely look at him. I don’t exchange more than five sentences with him- and that might be a generous estimate, and I definitely do not touch him.

I continue to monitor his emails, phone, his whereabouts but I understand now how easily those things can be manipulated if he chooses to do that. Sometimes it all seems futile…

My husband will tell me repeatedly he is sorry. He will tell me that I’m devestated and he’s the one who devestated me.  When I let him know my fears and what some of his current actions make me feel like, his response is that he understands. I don’t think he does though.

I think at the first signs that I’m doing well. He begins to think more about what he wants and less about what I need. When he brings up doing something I find myself wondering immediately, how will me saying no to this suggestion affect him and I really don’t think he does the same for me. Maybe I’m wrong?

The other thing, and more important matter, is that I don’t think about how saying yes to his suggestions will affect me until later. I need to learn to think more about me and to do that immediately.   I need to learn to protect myself first. He won’t do it and in all honesty I shouldn’t expect him to.

In our marriage pre affair, that’s was what I expected- that he would protect me. He didn’t. I need to let go off any hope that he will. I need to be responsible for making sure I’m healing.

Loving someone is hard. It’s painful.  It becomes even more excruciating and difficult when betrayal is added in. It’s why I want to stay here, with my heart behind this wall. I see my husband now and I immediately retreat into this place.

The same questions comes up though when I’m here. Is this what I really want?  Do I want to stay safe      from his mistakes or do I think he’s done enough despite his mistakes to keep taking risks, because after infidelity that’s what continuing in a marriage is- a collossal risk.

Am I okay with the FACT that he’s still going to mess up? Can I accept that despite him gutting me and seeing the total devastation his selfishness has unleashed on our family that undoing that selfishness is still going to take time?

He wasn’t just selfish for the 10months of the affair. Every time he chose his sick habits over the course of our marriage and family he was being selfish. I would love nothing more than for him to change immediately but I don’t think that’s realistic. It’s what I want and I know it’s what he wants. I think, though, that it’s going to be a life long battle for him.

But he’s trying. He stumbles and falls, in my hurt and anger I don’t make it easy for him to get back up- but he has. For 14 months he has. He keeps getting up and I see that and it’s why I keep coming out from behind my wall.

That’s how we keep moving forward.

 

 

 

 

Thank you!

For all of those who commented on, encouraged, empathized with and advised me on my last post- thank you! To say I have a sisterhood here in blog world that I adore would be an understatement!

It’s been a hard few days, but I’m doing okay. I have barely spoken to my husband. We have not slept in the same room since Thursday night. I need to detach sometimes. To shield myself away from all this pain. I know this is a long process for both of us but I get so tired and weary from him not getting it!

I sometimes feel like as soon as I show some hint of being okay- he takes it as a reason to act like a complete clueless idiot. To once again think only about himself and not about how his choices affect me.

I feel like I get railroaded by him and I do not do well with that. I do not handle bullshit, nonsense, and excuses well at all;  and once I get to that point I will tear him apart with my words and then retreat into myself.

im so tired of this dance. No wonder they say 2-5 years!!

I’m sad too. I’m so sad for all of us. For all our pain! Do we read what we are writing?! How absolutely violated we all have been? Beautiful. Strong. Cimpassionate  women- who in their right minds would ever want to do anything to sabotage a marriage to us?! But that’s exactly what our husbands did- it makes not a lick of sense!

Story after story of betrayal- it gets to be too much sometimes. I wish you all could see yourselves the way that I do. I’m so overwhelmed by your compassion while in the midst of your own broken hearts- I mean do you see how amazing you each are! How truly beautiful- in the ways that beauty really matters. Your hearts are gorgeous!

I pray for you each this morning- Father: thank you for these women.  Friends that I have never met, but who love me well.  Even as they try to get out from under their own heartache and grief, they stop to help me with mine, because they see I am overwhelmed and being crushed.

Breathe your life and peace into each one of them today. Renew their hope. Give them courage, strength, and clarity of mind and heart. Help them to see themselves through Your eyes Father- help them to see that they are, as Your Word perfectly  states- “beautifully and wonderfully made”.  They are indeed Father. Take each of us from this dry, barren, and thorny wasteland that we find ourselves in and plant us in Your good soil and help each of us to bloom- full and bright for Your glory. I pray with hope and expectancy in Jesus’ name – Amen

i adore each of you. Your honesty. Bravery, vulnerability.

Thank you for giving me time and time again, hope in humanity and in myself. What a gift that is!

 

Anger

I feel so much fear and it comes out as anger. I also have so much anger when I think about his affair.

Because her husband doesn’t know I feel scared about what he will do. He is a police officer, they had sex in her home too- what if he finds out and becomes as unhinged as me. He has a gun. He’s married to a crazy, sick woman, what if he’s just like her?

My husband  initially told me that the race he was going to do only had guys as part of his team. Yesterday, after registering and paying for it, he said that there would be women too on their team. He said he only found out yesterday after a text was sent out stating that yesterday was the last day to register with a discount, and I started feeling the stirrings of fear again. I could see girls in tight, skimpy, shorts, leggings and sports bras. I could see them rolling in the mud of the obstacle course and wonder what my husband will think. I imagine him helping one through an obstacle, them hugging afterwards and I feel sick! Why can’t anything feel safe anymore?

My fear and anger consume me. I hate all the shit he’s introduced into our lives out of pure selfishness. I hate the poor decisions he’s made after Dday. I know there are so many who would look at all he’s done and think I’m crazy for nitpicking, but there are some key points where he could have let me know I matter to him and he failed and I have a hard time letting them go. Partly because he saw how hurt I was. How low I was but he still chose to say and do assholeish things.

I screamed at him last night that he saw me cutting myself to get a break from the emotional torment he inflicted on me and even that didn’t matter! I started clawing at my wrists as I was screaming at him and the sight of them today just reminds me further of how deep the pain goes. I don’t know how to get out from under all this pain. I hate the fear and having so much out of my control.image

Do you guys have any advice? How do you cope? How do you manage the torrents of pain and anger that beat on you? I was supposed to see my therapist yesterday but had to cancel because my son was home sick. He’s home today too. Both my kids heard us yelling last night while they were in bed.

God help me through all this heartache. Please, please I beg you!

 

Peace

My husband’s affair makes me sad. I hate it. I hate that it happened. I hate that he allowed it. I catch myself looking at him sometimes or sitting by myself and thinking I can’t believe he did this. He knew it was wrong and he went through with it anyway!

i hate that I don’t recognize the person he was in the affair. How could I be married to someone and know someone for so long and not know they’re capable of being this completely different person? A person who was fine with intentionally hurting my children and I over and over and over again! A person who introduced pure evil into our lives.

I feel like life is hard enough and uncertain enough and full of enough worries and fears without adding more!

It makes me grateful for my faith. I know some people see God as a crutch. I know some people look at these situations and they feel abandoned and disappointed by God. For me- it just shows how faithful Christ is to me and how deep His love is for me.

My deepest, most heart wrenching sobs haven’t been seen by my friends, my family, or my husband- there’s still a sense in those situations of needing some sort of composure. I feel that way for a number of reasons- not wanting them to worry, not wanting my husband to see how much he hurt me, of wanting to look stronger than I feel.

But those times on the floor alone, when I’m shaking, wailing, unable to stop the tears. When I can let it all out- I let it all out to the only One who I know can handle it.

I know myself well, and I know there  is no strength in me that could have walked me this far out into this journey, when the pain is still this deep. I should still be laying in bed in the fetal position sobbing my eyes out all day. The fact that I’m not, that’s all God for me.

The fact that I didn’t just go ahead and take my life when I was sitting on the floor, running a knife against my wrist because the physical pain I felt then was a blessed relief compared to the emotional anguish I was enduring is God.

The fact that I can look at my husband, into the face of a man who should have protected me but instead CHOSE to betray and violate me repeatedly and still feel love and compassion is God. It’s all God.

The fact that I still have hope and see beauty and promise is all God.

He is my constant. He loves me. He knows me. He sees me and I believe He sees you too and that He understands your pain so well because He’s walked through it Himself.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2