Fighting

I came across this video and wanted to share it. My husband and I are currently doing well. I had a bit of a melt down this past weekend but I am realizing more and more how important it is to stay within the boundaries I set for myself.  My husband has a coworker, who is funny and fun to be around, but she’s also very vulgar and much of her joking around has a very sexual bend to it. Prior to the affair,  I don’t think I would find her so crass -but now I see her openness to talk and joke about so many sexual things as threatening. We hung out with her and some other people this weekend- there was alcohol involved. I nodded off for a bit and when I woke up I felt out of sorts and her and my husband, who had both been wearing hats, had exchanged hats and it set me off. I read all sorts of things into it and of course I worked myself up about it. When we were back home I went off on my husband. I dinged his car and threw away his hat after stomping all over it.

Its always difficult to come back  from times like that. It involves a great deal of humbleness on both our parts, which is what we both did. Apologies, reassurance, compassion, understanding – it’ all necessary to move forward.

I love my husband. I know there is so much good in him.  I know he’s incredible and wonderful and I know he loves me and I love him. There will be triggers, awful images, insecurities, fears but every day I know my husband, our marriage, and our family are worth the fight. I’m grateful to God for the strength I get from Him every day because I don’ t have it in myself to do it on my own. On my own I’m the angry woman stomping my husband’s hat because another woman wore it in jest.

Videos like this one remind me why it’s so important to fight and what the real battles are.  I hope you who also have spouses struggling with sex addiction benefit from it too.

all i can do

Last night I told my husband about some triggers I had experienced that day. I told him that I really miss just living my life without being sucker punched by some trigger. I used to be able to look at phone apps and magazines without suddenly feeling like the wind was knocked out of me.

He responded by saying ” I can’t imagine” then silence for 30 seconds. I watched as he flicked his toes. I felt like he forgot I was even there. Then he said “I’m sorry”. No hugs. No more words of remorse. Then after asking if I wanted to talk about anything else, ( I said no, since his responses sucked) he got up to finish some work he still had to complete.

In bed, he at least noticed I was quiet, and asked if everything was okay. I told him his response to my sharing things that triggered and hurt me made me feel like he didn’t really care. That it felt more like it was him just checking off a box of things to do and then his mind went elsewhere – probably to work.

He tried to defend himself. I asked him to stop that I had already learned not to expect him to be a good source of comfort and that I would deal with my hurt on my own.

I had a good cry, read some blogs, cried some more and fell asleep. I woke up a lot- always with a heavy feeling in my chest. I got up early this morning. I marinated dinner for tonight. I made lunches and had breakfast. I read my Bible and I prayed. I got my children up and made breakfast for them.

I don’t really think my husband meant to be insensitive. I know he had a much longer day at work yesterday than he expected to have. He was home for less than two hours before he had to go to a meeting. I know the meeting brought up some emotionally hard things for him. I knew he still had paperwork to catch up on.

Its why I need to put my healing in my hands. He’s not perfect. He never will be. And while he is the cause of this enormous sorrow in my life, he will never understand that sorrow or know it like i do. I will never betray him. I will never intentionally cause harm to my family. He will never have my grief.

so today, I write. I live. I let God heal me and I try my best not to get in the way of that. That’s all I can do.

My story, our story.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who could open the local magazine that featured discounts, without seeing a restaurant advertised, and feel heartbroken.

She could drive by another restaurant without thinking- “that’s where my husband and I had our first date in this new town two years ago.  But he had already started the affair, so it was really only a first date for her. He had already been on dates to other restaurants in this town with someone else.”

she could send texts with images from a new app without feeling sick to her stomach, when she realizes that one of the themes the app uses is a movie her husband watched with another woman.

that women was naively happy for a long time. She could do so many simple, everyday things without feeling like she was suddenly punched in the stomach. That was her life until a horrible day known as Dday occurred. On Dday, a massive bomb went off and her world exploded all around her. Now- every. single. day. after Dday, there would be smaller bombs, called triggers, that would crush her  heart and put her stomach in knots. She hated these triggers and all the thoughts and images that came with them.

but this is her life now, thanks to a man who had vowed to always love, honor and cherish her. A man she trusted with the title of her husband. He lied and she suffers.

but she knows that this is not the end of her story. She is determined that she will still find joy, happiness, peace, and forgiveness and she will.

THE END ❤️

porn and PRAYER

long before there was the affair, there was the pornography. It was the gateway to chat rooms, infidelity websites, and then the affair. It was the fantasy world that began to dictate my husband’s reality. In porn, the women initiated. Sex was done often and in public places- if those things weren’t happening in our sex life, it started to mean; to my husband, that something was wrong and lacking in our sex life…and in me

n.e. was willing to be real life porn to my husband. He quickly learned though, that just like the images on the screen, although he started out feeling excited and anticipating their times together, afterwards he felt empty and full of shame. Just like with porn, he found himself unable to break away from the affair.  Each time he hoped sex with her would be different, that it would be fulfilling, each time he was wrong.

i pray the prayer below often- for my husband, for myself and for all of us and our spouses. I pray it for my children and their future spouses. I pray it also for all the broken and exploited girls, boys, women and men who are part of this industry that creates such devastation.

porn is not harmless! Porn is Not harmless!! It hurts the people in the images. It hurts the person viewing the images and it hurts the spouse and children living in that home.

a therapist, I had previously, connected me to a woman whose husband had an affair twelve years ago. He started with porn and 1-900 number sex calls, and then went on to have affairs. When I met her, she told me about her daughter,who was the one who discovered the affair.

her daughter would tell her that one night, a few years before she found out about her father’s affair, she had fallen asleep in the living room watching television. The living room was also where the family kept their computer at the time. This young girl, who was 14 then, woke up to the sounds of her father masturbating while watching porn. She was shocked and didn’t know what to do at first, and just laid there until she decided to pretend to start stirring. Her father heard her and quickly closed the screen. She never told either parent about the incident until the affair was discovered.

her mother, who worked the over night shift at a hospital, told me she felt sick when she heard this.   Here she was, working this shift so she could be home during the day for her children to ensure they were safe, and meanwhile her husband was damaging them so deeply.

he obviously didn’t know his daughter was awake, but he knew she was in the living room and he decided it was worth the risk. His daughter’s innocence, security, view of and relationship with him was worth less to him than porn. I know he wasnt thinking of all of that when he proceeded to turn on the computer but that’s the problem, there is no honest thinking going on. There is only pure selfishness and the foolish thought, that porn is harmless. How can something that would cause a father to masturbate in a room that his child is laying in be harmless?

i hope men, who one day hope to be husbands and fathers, would get this! I know many men can read about the father above and think to themselves, “I would never do that.” I promise you that prior to doing it, that father thought the same thing. My husband thought he would never have an affair, but here we are!

Pornography is just the beginning of a long, dark, cold path and along  the way, YOU will be damaging the ones who mean the most to you. while my own family tries to heal from the damages of porn and infidelity I keep leaning on my faith and praying.

Morning Devotional

April 5

Salvation

Kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time
– 1 Peter 1:5

How was the earth formed out of nothing? It was the power of God (Jeremiah 51:15). How does God have his way in the hurricane or the tsunami? By his great power (Nahum 1:3). What holds our planet, our solar system, our universe together? It is the power of God (Hebrews 1:3). How is our faith sustained through the challenges of this life? We are kept by the power of God.

Isn’t it a wonderful comfort to know that your faith, which did not originate in you to begin with (Ephesians 2:8), is upheld by the strength of God himself? The same force that makes the mountains continue is continually working in your heart and soul by the power of the Holy Spirit.

We do not always feel like traveling on. Our faith certainly has its ups and downs. Yet what a great blessing to know that the One who has begun this good work of salvation in your heart through faith will continue the work he has begun. As Augustine reverently observed, “God is not a deceiver, that he should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon him, should slip away from us.”

It is by the power of God that we are kept through faith, and it is the faithfulness of God which continues this work of salvation in us until the very last day. Believer, though your faith may be weak, in itself, it is planted in the mighty ability of the almighty God.
http://baptistbiblehour.org

Choosing me

some things came up yesterday while my husband and I had our marriage counseling session that angered and upset me. I was left feeling like he will never get how deep the pain he inflicted on me is and that my that pain is of little consequence to him. He left  feeling like nothing he does will ever be enough and if he makes a mistake it undoes every good thing he has done.

I missed an event at my daughter’s school last night because I couldn’t spend the evening faking it and pretending like we’re okay, so I stayed home while my kids went with him. My daughter had the same event last year and while we all made it then…the hours leading up to it were awful. I hope one year the event can go really well for her- she deserves that.

i told my husband calmly last night, after the kids went to bed,  why I was upset. I don’t know what he will do with that information. I don’t know if it even means anything to him. He apologized, but sorry has gotten old a long time ago.

I barely slept last night. I’m exhausted. I wish I could have just stayed home and slept but I can’t. We argued this morning. I yelled. I slammed the door twice. My kids were upset. It’s another sucky morning courtesy of adultery- you know that harmless pastime that  brainless, soulless, whores engage in. I mean you have to be a brainless whore to seriously believe you’re not hurting anyone, right? But you know you really are, and choose to still do it anyway – that’s where the lack of a soul comes in handy.

So, I thought about how much I hated the pair of them. Then I thought of how angry I am. I screamed at God. I screamed that He doesn’t care about my suffering or my parent’s suffering. He doesn’t care how tired and beat down we feel. He doesn’t care about the endless others whose situations and pain are so much more magnified than ours. How are we supposed to bear all of this?

i know He cares though. I know He’s with me. I know He can handle my anger. I know he understands it and my weariness. He reminded me that there’s more to my life.

Then I looked at everything else that is in my life. I made some new friends laugh during a text message exchange. I laughed last night watching The Office on Netflix. I had old friends and my siblings call to see how I’m doing. I helped my mom get my dad ready for a doctor’s appointment. I found a book that I’m enjoying – it has a story of adultry, where both people are idiots but their affair resulted in a great tragedy, not them living happily ever after. On my drive this morning I got a really good laugh over a poster that must be related to an April Fool’s joke- a poor guy is going to get a lot of calls today! Despite the morning suck fest, I comforted my kids and had them laughing by breakfast.

I did these things. Me!! I still laugh, I still love, and I still live well. I am a good woman and I am loved by so many.

i think my husband believes that the only people who love him are our children.

I did scream at him to just go away this morning!  I don’t really mean that though, so I texted him what I really mean.

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I could choose to be angry, bitter, and spiteful but that’s not really me and it’s not going to make a better me to sit in all that misery and stew.

the only person I really have any say over is me. My husband can still choose to hurt me but I can heal without having to hurt him. I get to choose which me I want to be and who I become and I’m choosing the best me.