Unwanted

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and even though I asked specifically to never now her actual birthday  I found out anyway.

Its just a few days after mine and while the affair was going on she was out of the country for her birthday. I know that he missed her and that while he was with me he was thinking about her and missing her. He didn’t want to be with me or celebrate me. We went out to dinner with our kids but his mind was on her and I feel so hurt by it all. All that’s going through my mind is that I was unwanted.

im supposed to be getting groceries right now but instead I’m sitting in my car crying over this. I hate it.

its such an awful feeling to know that someone you love was just tolerating you while being consumed with feelings for someone else. It’s such a deep pain. It slices straight through to your bones.

Grief

My father in law passed away late  last week and this week we had his funeral and burial. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been one of the most difficult months since Dday- and because I use Dday as a defining event in my life, I quickly realized that my father in law’s burial took place exactly 19 months after D- day.

I hope to write more about all this later but right now I’m just frustrated over how I can’t even grieve his death properly because ALWAYS, ALWAYS there is the stupid affair!

I think I’ve done a good job being there for my husband. But I have struggled with so many things privately though. I have shared some of it here on the blog — but shit, there is no shortage of awful reminders about the worst time of my life!

I hate this situation and all the pain it still causes. There are reminders everywhere to bring my grief back up.  I needed to get some foundation and went to Sephora- walking through it though, all I could think about was that my fucking husband had been in this very same fucking store buying fucking perfume for the fuking whore. This was the mall he had done all his holiday shopping for her – store after store – and then came home and lied to me right in my face!  I can’t even go home to see family without being reminded of how little he thought about me and how little he loved me.

Watching tv is such a trigger at times too.  We were watching Family Fued this week and one of the questions was – where would people who work together go to have sex. So of course I immediately think of my husband and his whore and I hate this. I hate it.

I’ve gotten so much better at talking myself away from me the edge of this cliff and of listening to my husband when he tries to talk me away from it too but I  hate how often I still find myself teetering at the edge of it. I didn’t ask for any of this but I suffer so much because of it.  He suffers because no matter how much he does- he can never make it right! And it’s true. He was a fucking sleezebag asshole and every fucking reminder feels like the affair is being rubbed in my face again and again and I hate it.

All I want from this time is to grieve my father in law. But I can’t even do that! One of the things that my husband told the whore is that maybe they could be together when his parents die. Apparently he knew they wouldn’t be welcoming a whore with open arms and though my head and heart knows he loves me there is still a fear. A persistent, nagging voice that reminds me of these words he said to her and it breaks my heart!

Fucking edge!!! God please help me from falling in!

 

 

 

Trauma

I thought telling my husband everything would help and it did to an extent but this pain is so deep and there are so many facets to it.

Im so exhausted. We have been here since Friday night. My FIL is dying and we’re just waiting for it to happen and though my faith tells me he will be going to better place and that his soul will be free from this body that has kept him shackled for so long  i am still so heartbroken. I imagine the emptiness we will feel once he is gone. The empty rooms, the empty chairs that he favored, the man missing who shared stories with us that he had read or heard on the news or called us into his room to hear a song or a sermon.

But before the emptiness can be felt we have to watch him become more and more weak. He’s barely awake.  In some of the moments when he’s been responsive, he’s indicated that he’s hungry but he can’t swallow anymore and so they take small sponges on a stick and place it in ice water and then into his mouth and let him suck on it. That is all he has the strength and awareness to do now and it’s incredibly hard to see.

We surround his bed when he opens his eyes – it’s like he’s giving us a gift when he finally opens up those eyes. We know how difficult it is for him to just do that, and we want to fill them up with images of family and friends. We want to tell him he’s home, we have him, we’ll take care of him and we love him.

its good to have him home. It’s what he wanted but caring for him is overwhelming. It took his wife and two kids to change his diaper last night. My husband and I talked about it last night before we went to bed. I wondered if my FIL had been aware when they had changed him? I knew how my dad struggled with us, his wife- but especially his children, changing his diaper. My husband said that he thought his dad was aware. He had opened his eyes when he they told him they were going to change him and had  looked at them for a moment before closing them again.

My husband and I slept separately last night. He wanted to be close by his dad so while his mom slept on a couch by the hospital bed- refusing to be any further away from her husband, he slept in a bedroom downstairs. The kids and I slept upstairs. They’re too scared to sleep on a separate level without us and so I slept with them.

And as I lay in bed- another memory came to mind. My dad’s first day home. It was a Thursday when he came home. The next day, Friday, I told my siblings I would stay the night with my parents into Sunday . My little niece was told to stay upstairs because she had gotten the stomach bug a few days earlier and the last thing we wanted was for my dad to get it. My siblings and nieces went home in Friday evening. My mom slept on the couch by my dad’s hospital bed and I slept in the bedroom downstairs.

In the middle of the night I heard my mom throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug.  I remember her not letting me clean up because she didn’t want me to catch it. I remember listening to her throwing up through the night. I remember changing my dad’s diapers on my own that night. I remember how angry he was that i was changing his diaper. I remember the next day my  mom helping me change him  even though she was still so weak because it was too much for me to do on my own.

I was so overwhelmed that first weekend that my dad came home. My husband couldn’t come but my Inlaws were kind enough to have my children stay with them. I don’t know if was during this first night or the following Saturday but I was so overwhelmed by everything and so I was using my phone. I ended up looking at our credit card statements and there was a charge for movie tickets and another charge from the movie theater itself. I remember calling my husband right away. He was sleepy but I asked him if he had gone to the movies with someone. I couldn’t imagine him doing that. He said no- I told him about the charges. He told me he would look into it and call me back.

He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he called our credit card company. That it looked like someone had gotten our credit card number and used it on the Fandango site to purchase tickets. When I asked about the use at the movie theater itself he said he didn’t know -that this is what the credit card company had told him and they would be sending out new cards.

I of course believed him. I mean new cards are coming soon, right? No- silly, naive, trusting Kaye they are not!  It was just another lie slipping quickly and easily from his mouth. But of course i wanted to believe him, the alternative would be accepting all those feelings I had when I first saw the charge. The pit in my stomach. The nervousness. The feeling that something wasn’t right.  So i believed him.

But last night that memory came back up and I felt all those feelings once again and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as quietly as I could so my children wouldn’t  hear me. I cried for how overwhelmed I was at the time but also for how alone I was and how I didn’t even know it.  How abandoned I was by my husband. I was taking care of my dad and he was out on a movie date with her. Eating snacks, making out, and it all fucking hurts so bad.

God help me. I can’t get through any of this without you.

 

 

Lighter

I talked to my husband last night about everything that I was feeling. He felt awful. I still felt sad but lighter in passing off some of this load to him. I know it’s not the best time. I know he’s sad, stressed and overwhelmed but it’s a hard balance of trying to care for him while also not neglecting my needs.

I’m hoping for a better day
this Sunday morning. I’m hoping for better days for all of us in this community. You all understand the hurt, the pain, the anger. I’m hoping we can all slowly release this weight that crushes us and we each find joy, peace and deep fulfillment despite the betrayals we have experienced. Happy Sunday my friends. Here’s to a better week ahead or all of us!

Hate

I can’t remember when I last felt like I needed to blog so much. Last night was hard – my father in law is coming home soon on hospice care. He’s too weak and he didn’t want any tubes or ventilator so this is the only option left. It’s heartbreaking- I just saw him two days before he was brought to the hospital, and now he just wants to come home to die.

We needed to get his home ready for him. I helped clean and get things ready, but it was hard not to think about how my husband didn’t do anything to help set up my parents home when my dad was  coming home.  And once one thought starts its hard not to go spiraling down the devil’s trail of torture.

The top notch detective I became post Dday came back to bite me in the ass. I recalled seeing the details of the trip my husband and the ap were going to take to her home country. The search for matching bathing suits, the places they were going sightseeing and on and on it went. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I went to sleep last night. My husband laying beside me feeling wretched and helpless.

For the last two weeks, I thought I had been dealing with everything well, but I must have just been barely holding on. My FIL being sick, the sadness of how absent and selfish my husband had been when it was my dad who was sick, my dad still being so sick- it’s been building up but all it took was yesterdays stupid comment from my SIL to send me crashing down.

i cried for all this last night but what I cried the most about was how trusting I had been. I could still see me looking at the calendar with my husband,  talking about what weekends I could go home to help my parents and him telling me that one weekend he had to work and the next weekend he’d be away for his conference. The conference, actually being a cover for his trip. He even lied and told me it was in Miami when he wasn’t even going to be in the country. I just stood there listening, trusting, not for one moment even thinking that my husband was lying right to my face.

That’s what hurts the most- it would be one thing if he wasn’t as helpful as he could have been when I needed him, but the fact that he was willfully choosing to hurt me and manipulative my trust for his selfish benefit – kills me. I needed him and he was going to be with another woman in matching swimsuits, renting a boat, laying in a beach, and doing more shitty things! I hate that asshole and sometimes it’s so fucking hard to forgive him for being that selfish prick.  It’s hard when I feel like this to acknowledge the work he’s done and the man he is now – I need this space to vent. I need it to hate that loser husband I had so that I don’t end up hating this great one.

Sad Truth

The affair is only a constant in my mind now. That’s the reality that I have to accept- it sucks and it’s so fucking hard.  My FIL’s condition is declining. When he was first admitted to the hospital my sister in law and her family were away. I asked my husband where they went  and he initially responded that he didn’t know and then quickly said “no that’s not true, I do know but I didn’t want to tell you because it’s a trigger.” I appreciated him not telling me but then my FIL was admitted to the hospital.

I went to visit him the next day at the hospital. I stayed with my MIL for four hours, during that time she told me where my husband’s sister had gone for vacation. My MIL isn’t aware that the place is a trigger for me. The AP is from this place and my husband had a trip planned with her to visit it. They never went on the trip because I found out about the affair a few weeks earlier.

A few friends and family members came to visit my FIL at the hospital.  They each wanted to know where my husband and his sister were. His mom explained that my husband was at work and his sister and her family were on vacation. Of course their very next question was where did they go on vacation? So I had to hear the place  over and over again.

My sister in law is aware of the details of the affair. I don’t know if she recalls them though. Today when we got to the hospital My SIL was there with a friend and her cousin. My husband had to use the restroom and while he was gone my SIL’s friend commented that my SIL’s tan was fading.   My sister in law then started joking that her husband said he came home with a ( AP’s country name) girl because of her tan and how it was a good thing, because he has a thing for those type of girls. I was listening to all this and felt like shit. I mean the AP is from there and my husband was going to get on a plane and go with her on this tropical getaway if I hadn’t discovered his affair, and now I need to hear my sister in law talk about how her husband has a thing for girls from that country!! Seriously fuck them all!!

I wished my husband was there to get them to change the subject. I could actually feel the sadness settling over my face and tried to keep my eyes fixed on my FIL so that if anyone noticed, they would think my sadness was only because of him. I honestly don’t think my sister in law was aware of how much her worlds were hurting me. As far she’s concerned her brother and I are fine and all the stupid details about the affair aren’t cemented into her brain like they are in mine.  It just sucks to be me, 19 months out and a trigger can still feel like a bucket of ice being thrown onto my heart.

My husband came back. He could tell that something upset me. He asked if it was a trigger and guessed that it was about his sister’s trip- they apparently have talked about it a lot. I get it- they had a good time and they should be able to talk about it. It’s not their fault that the place they went to causes me physical pain.

My husband provided me an excuse to leave the hospital  and I jumped at the chance to get away from any more  mention of their trip. As I was driving, I thought about how this is my sad truth- that these triggers are my own. No one else, who is aware of the affair, will know these triggers or experience them like I do.  It’s shitty and unfair and I hate that so many fucking things have to keep breaking my heart!

on a happier note. I got my workouts in today. Other people may unknowingly break my heart or in my husband’s case- knowingly break it two years ago, but I will take care of  my heart. I’ll be okay. Right now I’m not. I’m hurt and sad, but I will be okay.

 

Self Care

AM work out and ab workout done and done! A few years ago when I needed to lose 20 lbs I did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I know she’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I really like her. Though I have the DVD, I like that many of her work outs are available on YouTube. I like how she adds little comments about pinching shoulders together or looking up at ceiling to make sure your form is correct and safe.

The first time I did get work out I had a rough time with level 1, so I was excited to get through it this time. It was hard but doable and I worked up good sweat. I followed that up with a 10 minute ab workout by Rebecca Louise that one of my readers, A, recommended. This was brutal, my core is not strong and the moves were difficult but knowing I had made myself accountable helped me push through and I’m so happy I did.

I now have a hair mask on and will get to my nails and toes later today. It’s good to be taking care of myself once again!

Also yesterday, my husband called while I was writing my blog about my FIL. He asked me if I was still sleeping because I sounded funny. I told him I had been writing my blog and crying because of the similarities between his dad now and my dad two years ago- down to  us having a getaway planned for the two of us.

When my dad was sick – the trip was to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. This time it’s just because we’ve learned how important it is to make time for us as a couple. When I told him that I wanted to cancel our anniversary trip because my dad was sick.  He was upset even though he never said anything and did things that hurt me tremendously- like using his time off still, but to go away with her to a place that was special to us.

I’m sure we will cancel this trip as well and I’m glad we will. Just like when my dad was sick, it would be impossible to enjoy a trip knowing that his dad is sick and I’d rather be here for our family. My husband said he was telling his friend from group about all this as well. How different my response is to his. He also told him how I never have said well you weren’t there for me and my family so I’m not going to be there for you. Instead he pointed  out how I’ve taken the kids and gone to the hospital. How I sat and waited with his mom. How I check in on him regularly and have done research on his dad’s particular condition and found a really helpful article about managing his care. How I stay to have dinner with him and wait with him till visiting hours are done. It’s all the things I needed from him two years ago that I never got. It hurts but I’m grateful that he’s finally seeing in glaring awareness how hard that time was for me and how much he neglected me because he was selfish.

Im so thankful for the person he is now. I’m thankful we can talk about these hard things and move forward.