I really needed to vent in that last post – part of it is that it is almost October and October is full of awful triggers. The other part though, is that a few days earlier I had reactivated my facebook account. I was looking to see if my cousin, who is currently studying abroad, was still on it because I wanted to get in touch with him about something. Unfortunately while I was trying to search for him, n.e’s (aka whore’s) profile came up because their names start with similar letters. I thought I had blocked her but it turns out that in my rush to block her, I had accidentally blocked the wrong person instead.
Then I made the awful choice to click on her profile and just seeing her brought back all these hurts. It’s hard to look at her and know my husband had a physical relationship with her. It brought up so many insecurities, anger and sadness. The past few days I’ve delt with the hurt by icing out my husband. To know he was not only capable of such duplicity but comfortable with it – sickens me. To know how low he went breaks my heart. I found myself home alone screaming fuck you over and over again yesterday morning. The anger I feel is still hot and volatile 19 months later.
This recovery process is such a constant uphill climb. Every time I think I’ve made some headway there’s another turn that brings another hard climb. So today I’m sad. I’ve woken up the past two nights sad and overwhelmed and cried inconsolably. I never should have been treated the way I was treated and I know my husband now hates that he treated me that way but it doesn’t undo the hurt and pain of knowing there was a time that he justified it. It makes me hate him and I wonder if there will always be a part of me that hates him for being a selfish, cowardly asshole. I hope not. I hope one day I can think about what happened, be triggered, or reminded about the affair and not hate him. But today is not that day.
I have not been doing well this week. Let’s count all the reasons why I hate that it’s almost October
#1- a whore was born
#2 my husband brought the whore to our home for a second time but this time he fucked her in our bedroom. Oh yeah, and he did this while I was at my parents house with the kids because my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed!
#3 there are signs all over our fucking town about an annual Halloween event he took the whore to! I was home alone with our kids while he was out on a fucking date!
That’s enough reasons to hate my fucking husband and hate October. There’s so little I can do that doesn’t remind me of the fucking affair!
i recently read something about different responses to betrayal in the long run. The writer said you can choose to continue to feel like a victim of the betrayal, you can survive it or you can thrive.
Over the 19 months since Dday I have felt like I’m mostly just surviving. There will be times that I thrive, where I feel like I’m giving the affair a huge F YOU by how well I’m living out my life but those times seem short lived- quick burst of happiness that soon fizzle out. The past four months especially, I’ve noticed that I’ve been in this weird phase where the affair is a weight on me that I can’t shake.
My recent desire for Self Care was set on the back burner by my Father in law’s illness and death. It’s also caused me to miss out on social activities and I feel so disconnected from everything, but mostly I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel like, along with my desires, I’ve put my whole self on the back burner, and while this may have felt normal prior to Dday- to be on the bottom of the list of priorities, now I feel unsettled by it.
Maybe that’s why that statement resonated with me so much during these last few days since I’ve read it. Looking at my life, I feel like I’m merely existing. Nothing especially has me excited. I feel more saddened by my life. I find myself wondering about the what ifs.
i try and remind myself that the garden is greener where it’s watered and right now watering my marriage doesn’t seem as vital as just watering myself.
i need to thrive. Surviving is amazing and I will never under value it. I know how hard I fought to get out of bed in those early days, to care for my two young children but now I need more. I need to get out of survival mode and feel good about me and my life. I’m going to work on figuring out how I can thrive because right now I’m just feeling depleted and sad.