So on the evening that I wrote my post about my upcoming anniversary, my husband and I talked about what to do for it. We’ve had a couple of ideas that we had been throwing around and wanted to finalize them. I wanted to spend time with my husband but I also knew that our children had a few days off from school and so I wanted to spend time with them as well. I also wanted to be available for my parents and help them.
So when my husband suggested we use the our time off by going away to a local Bed and Breakfast the Saturday after Thanksgiving through Monday (and also come back for church on Sunday since we would be local) to celebrate our anniversary, then go away again with our children the following Friday through Sunday – I should have been happy. I wasn’t, because unfortunately the affair can stills keep me completely emotional and irrational.
Rather than being grateful that my husband was being considerate of my desires, my mind went instead to the two trips he took with the ow and the one he had set up right before I found out about the affair. They were gone Thursday- Sunday. That was four days. He only wanted to spend 3 days away with me. We would be driving for two of the three days already, and now he wanted to come back on Sunday for church on the only day we had completely at the B&B. Every rational thought I had was quickly and angrily swallowed up in this comparison.
My husband saw the change in my face. He asked me what was wrong? I didn’t know how to explain it. I knew he was taking into account my desire to spend time with my parents and our children. I knew that church was important to him- I mean this church was a HUGE part of our marriage reconciling and him wanting to go to church is a good thing, but the only thing my mind could seem to attach itself to was the idea that he didn’t want to spend time with me like he did with her. That he was willing to interrupt our time together for church but nothing interrupted his time with her.
Sadness, insecurity, anger and hurt all started taking hold of me. My husband became frustrated and walked away- I just stayed on the couch until I had to get dinner together. He came out of his office then and apologized. I tried to explain how I was feeling but we ended up arguing more. That night before I went to bed I told him to sleep in the guest room.
We spent the next 8 days sleeping apart. I cried a lot. I tried to talk myself out off the pit of sadness I was in but each time my hurt over his actions overwhelmed me and I gave into it. It felt safer to keep the distance between us. I am so tired of hurting, of going through these ups and downs over and over again. I remember them all- he doesn’t, and that only further upsets me. I know all of this is so unbalanced. I know I am bearing the brunt of his selfish willingness to eff up – and it sucks!
Then this past Tuesday, I sat down and wrote out all the trips we took together since Dday as a couple and as a family. Whether it was a quick overnight, weekend or a week away I wrote it down. My husband and I have done a lot together since Dday. I realized that. I also realized that for many of our trips there was usually a low point because I would be triggered by the affair. So many of the happy memories we were trying to create were still being highjacked by the affair.
I recognize that I have gone from being naive and completely trusting to becoming completely closed off and suspicious at even the slightest reminder of the affair or at the smallest question of wrong doing. I understand that I need to find some middle ground between these two extremes in order to have any lasting peace. But I’m also terrified to do that. I’m terrified to live solely in the present. I’m afraid of being lulled back into a false sense of hope and security only to have my heart ripped into shreds again.
Over and over again in this recovery process I find myself at a crossroads where I have to stop and ask myself, what way am I going to go? And sometimes I have to stay there at that crossroad for a bit before I decide what the next right move. I need to stop and figure out what’s driving me? For me, the majority of the time it’s fear- and then I have to decide if anything currently warrants that fear. Right now there’s nothing going on to make me afraid. It’s all past stuff and the truth is I can not compare his affair to my marriage.
The affair involved two people who only loved themselves. My husband and her were both disgusting sluts living in a fantasy world they created. His trips with her ended awfully. Why am I comparing my time with him to that?
I thought about all this last Tuesday. I looked at the list I had written down, I read my Bible and I prayed and then I sent my husband a text asking if we could be friends again. He wrote back – yes please! And that’s the road we’re continuing to walk on and I really hope and pray that we can walk along it for a long time before coming across any more crossroads.