In two weeks it will be 23 months from Dday- 23 months!!! For a very long time after Dday I felt like I was losing my sanity. There was even a point where I became terrified that I was actually losing control over myself.
I was at home, waiting for the repairman one day. He didn’t come when he was supposed to and I had to wait longer. During all that time all I could think about was the affair and I started looking at the ow’s fb. She had posted something vague and cryptic that immediately made me think that the affair had started up again. I called my husband immediately, completely wrecked. He reassured me that it was definitely over and he had no desire to ever be unfaithful again.
Later he called to check up on me. I told him that I felt like she was doing this to purposely screw with me. I questioned how he could have ever been with someone so awful and how he could do this? He tried to explain- I kept asking what was so appealing?? About her and the affair. He said that the secrecy of it was exciting.
I lost it- I began screaming that denying his life with the kids and I was appealing. I screamed and I yelled and then I hung up. When the repairman finally came I was sobbing uncontrollably. He thought someone had died. I told him everything was fine. When he was done and had to leave he told me he felt bad leaving me in such a awful state. Again I reassured him. When he was gone I felt like this man, who was basically a stranger, cared more about me than my husband did. After all, my husband was the one who had willingly brought all this pain upon me!
I found myself getting worked up again. I wanted them both to hurt. I wanted them to pay but it seemed I was the only one suffering from their affair. My husband came home early from work. I was so upset and I began doubting him. Maybe he was back with her and once again lying to me- I mean a secret, double life had been titilating to him, right?
I was sitting on the floor yelling at my husband, when my body started suddenly twitching and I couldn’t control it. Also, at the same time, my voice had this strange quality to it. I felt like someone else’s voice was coming out of my body. A part of me thought I had become possessed.
I would learn later that it was all psychosomatic. My body was trying to deal with the stress, and at that point, also the fear I felt as a result of the affair. It was awful and terrifying. It was also further evidence of how deeply damaging the affair was. How my husband could have ever convinced himself that his affair wouldn’t hurt me or cause destruction to our family I will never understand? Those are the only things an affair does.
So, in the midst of so many weeks of insanity, sadness, and rage- a part of me would always perk up when I seemed to go without feeling any of these emotions for a prolonged time. It just felt so good to feel good and have it last for a week or so.
It felt good to talk to my husband every day. It felt good when I could manage the hard emotions without retreating into a shell and hiding behind this wall I had created. A wall that felt like it was the only thing that could protect me from all the hurt. It was good not to cut my husband down with my words and also not feel absolute loathing for him. It was good to see my children happy- no insecurities present on their faces.
But I never could make it more than 2.5 weeks. There would be triggers. There would be thoughts of -this time last year he was doing this -and with those thoughts came images. It seemed my period was also often a time for me to emotionally lose it.
I’m definitely not the most confident woman in the world but neither have I been the most insecure. But now, I was battling insecurities constantly and I was angry at my husband for that. His affair was robbing me of so much. So with all that, I never got very far with the good feelings. As much as I wanted it and hoped for it – it never seemed to last. I just wanted a month- one sweet month of sweet sanity and this past Thursday it finally came!
A month ago, on the 15, after another hard week of cold feelings towards my husband, I sent him a text asking if we could be friends again. He replied with , Yes please- and that’s what we’ve been for the last month. I have had some hard moments in the past month and one particularly difficult night, but we would talk about it and together get through it. That sadness, while real, never built itself into the wall I normally hide behind, and that’s been really good.
Im so happy for this incredible month. I have hoped for it, and looked forward to it as it grew closer- and it has finally became realized and I’m so very grateful!