Sanity 

So 2017 hasn’t gotten off to the best start. It hasn’t been the worst…but it definitely hasn’t been the best either. I had high hopes that it would feel like a fresh start but the sadness I had been feeling post Christmas continued to linger on and I found myself not only feeling sad but once again feeling angry as well. Part of  this has to do with Dday approaching. Everything once again feels so raw. The other part of it has to do with triggers. There’s still a big part of me that feels like I can’t just live my life without being reminded of things my husband shared with the ow.

A few days ago, a friend had written about a Broadway play he had seen. I wasn’t familiar with the play previously so I looked it up. As I was reading, I thought it sounded like a fantastic performance to watch. There was a link on the article that directed you to the main actor’s Playbill page. There I saw that he had been the star in a play that my husband had seen with the ow- he was in it the same year they watched it. So then watching his current play lost its appeal for me. I couldn’t get past the possibility that I would be enjoying the performance of an actor my husband and the ow enjoyed together. 

Later in the week, I read a blog where a wife shared a particular brand of soaps her husband had gotten her for Christmas. It was the same brand of soap the ow had asked my husband  to buy her for Christmas. The blogger wrote about how lovely the soaps were, and how her sweet husband had made a bubble bath for her with them. All I could think, as I read it, was that her husband had brought these beautiful, expensive soaps for her while my husband had brought them for the ow. It just makes me feel so sick- I picture her opening up every gift and I hate them both! 

On New Years Eve we were watching the televised special with our kids. I was looking at some store sales at the same time and this velvet dress caught my eye. I thought it was beautiful but a bit too revealing for me. I then googled velvet dresses to see if I could find some other, more modest ones. When my search pulled up, there were some images too.  I immediately saw one that reminded me of a dress I had when I first started dating my husband. He had loved seeing me in that dress.  I got excited thinking about how I could get it and surprise my husband.  I though that it would be a sweet reminder of our early love. I clicked on it and it took me to the store that sold it. It was the same store my husband once brought a dress from-for the ow.

I had not thought about that stupid dress in so long but now I was sitting there remembering everything. How I had seen a confirmation for the store on my husband’s email. I had asked him about it. He told me he had brought a dress for me. I was so touched my him buying me a dress – something he had never done before. I remember asking all these questions about how he found it and what made him want to buy it for me?  He answered all my questions with lies.

When the dress never came. I asked him why it hadn’t arrived. He made up more lies. Meanwhile, based on other things I found that were meant for the ow- but I thought were for me, I imagined that my husband was going to surprise me with an elaborate date to go along with the dress. He actually even pulled up the dress and showed it to me when I questioned him once again about why the dress hadn’t arrived. I felt like the biggest fool when I realized that all those other things I had discovered, along with the dress, were all meant for someone else.

So after seeing the dress and being reminded of all the deceit and heartache I couldn’t stand being near him. I told my kids that I was too tired to stay up to watch the ball drop and went upstairs to bed.

I remember thinking when 2016 began how my husband would be mine for the whole year. There would no longer be anything hidden. There would be no lies. There wouldn’t be a Dday in 2016. I imaged that when the year ended I would feel so happy over that. Instead, as I sat alone in my room on the last day of December,  what I felt was sadness. Sadness that there had ever been someone else. Sadness that my husband not having another woman was something I now felt I had to look forward too and rejoice over because it was no longer just a given.

 It’s so messed up and it’s so sad. I went back down half an hour before midnight. We watched the ball drop. I kissed my kids and my husband. Then we went up to bed- except my husband. He slept downstairs- he said he felt like I needed some space from him, and so that’s how we woke up into a new year.

Im still feeling the sadness- affairs taint so much. I am having to constantly do battle in my head. Constantly having to will myself to stay focused on the good happening now.  Constantly having to remember how good a man he was prior to the affair and how good a man he is now, but it’s difficult to do when there’s so many reminders of what a huge, disgusting sleezeball he was!

But, just like I expect my husband to fight, I need to fight as well. So that’s what I’m trying to do. The best thing for me has been my Bible and two books of prayers by Scotty Smith. Smith has certain prayers that deal with marriage, addiction, betrayal, unforgiveneess, and damaged relationships that are so tender and  spot on that I’m often moved to tears.  When he writes about addiction- he writes about  the brokenness, helplessness, and desire to numb  pain in such a way that the disgust I feel for my husband turns into compassion.

We’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs in the Bible with our children at night. We take turns reading, yesterday was my husband’s turn and he read Proverbs 5. It was hard to hear my husband read it. I could hear the sadness in his voice. Every sentence spoke to his actions and calls out his absolute stupidity in pursuing a whore.  The affair changed him so much – into someone he didn’t recognize and it has brought such destruction to our family.

It tries to change me too. I’m still taken aback by how much anger and hatred I feel. I was in the car recently screaming curses as I thought about the affair and I knew I needed to stop. It’s such a slippery slope and it’s far too easy to get hard and bitter. I cried and prayed to God to help me through this. I want people to pay. I want the people who messed up to hurt and not me- but, just like with my husband’s affair, the pleasure I would get from it I know would be swift, but the damage would be far reaching and would last beyond anything I could ever anticipate.

So I’m fighting  and trying to get away from the anger and hatred I feel. It’s justifiable- yes, but it wont do any good. I know that. Over and over I bring my broken self  to God and over and over again He brings me back to sanity. He is the only one that can because I know I can’t. I know if left on my own this anger will consume me- it is so hot and fast.  But with sane eyes I can see the man I love and know. I can see his brokenness and love him still. I can see my own brokenness as well but not let it define me.  I can see hope for us together and a bright future.

Im praying for a new year full of sanity for all of us. I know the sadness and the pain but there is wisdom and strength that has come out of that, and that’s something positive we can each carry into a new year.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Sanity ”

  1. This time of year sucks doesn’t it? You want to move foreword but keeping getting pulled back. I am in the same space you are. Hopeful but wow only 6 days into the new year and I’m going over all the hurts. I’m not sure what’s more difficult on the calendar- d day or the dates of the start of their affair? My h started screwing the office whore in January 2015 after spending December 2014 taking her out and what I consider dating her. So nice of them to be considerate and wait a month before they had sex. I HATE this time of year. My d day is in May and I look forward to it so I can get past it and be in some safer months.
    All of your triggers are heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and kill off the good that is now. I don’t have any real advice but from 1 betrayed spouse to another I am telling you I am going to get up and move right now. I think I will go work out and then go to Starbucks. Not much but I know I have to do something cause the walls are closing in. I have allowed myself some tears and to re- feel the anger but I know it can quickly become an all day affair leading to even more than that. You have prayer where I have Starbucks! I will be thinking about you today and I know tomorrow will be better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TBML I’m sorry you are going through this pain. Betrayal sucks like hell. I love your energy and focus and I hope your workout was great (reading your comment really motivates me to go and workout myself!!!). Most importantly, you had me at ‘Starbucks’. Sigh. I’ll get my bottom to a Starbucks waaaaay before to the gym.

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    2. This time of the year does suck!! I hate it- I thought I had gotten better at handling the endless triggers but right now they are seriously doing me in. I’m glad you did some positive things for yourself – I had a pretty big one honestly two minutes after I published this post. I wallowed and cried for a bit, but I promised myself that I’m going to work out before the day’s done though. I think if I feel good about myself that will help too.

      I’m sorry that today was a rough one for you too but like you said tomorrow will be better!!

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  2. Oh Kaye, I’m so sorry about all these triggers, all the sadness that tainted your holiday season. I’m also so sorry you are experiencing anger and hatred – these ones I can, sadly, relate very closely these days. Isn’t it interesting, devastating how this stupid, justified but not welcome anger always creeps back and poisons our soul? I hate that. I, too, want to be a better, stronger, wiser person and fight anger when it jumps out of its hiding place and attacks me with all its toxic power. It seems like a never ending war, but I want to believe I’m not fighting in vain. Big hugs to you

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    1. I want to be better at handling all this too- anger is the easy answer but not the best one. There’s so much damage that’s been done and so many damn reminders. I think it’s understandable that when you feel like you’re constantly battling against all the mess that there will be times when you become weary- Im sad for all of us going through this. It’s soul crushing!

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  3. Oh Kaye! You could be reading my mind. Your triggers are not my triggers but I feel them with you. I had a meltdown couple of days over New Year due to a string of triggers, but I have managed to shake them off again…FOR NOW, and am concentrating on an exciting project for 2017.

    Wishing you (and all of us) a better 2017 than last year. X

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  4. Kaye…know I’m late to the party on this…but I wanted to share a bizarre way that I have dealt with some of the triggers. Like you, it was wrenching for me to drive throughout our community and see the restaurant or hotel that H had been at with SW. I would get triggered back to rage or overwhelming sadness and tears. So we started going to each of the places, together. A restaurant? We walked up, together. I asked where they sat. If possible, I tried to sit in the same spot. I asked any question I wanted, and HUSBAND answered. I would cry, and often he would too. We would curse the filth and lies and deception that had once been present in the place…and then ask God to redeem the space, and to fill it with His presence, and love and covenant. (Isaiah 43:1). For me, it has really helped to reduce the impact these places and spaces have on me. It’s almost like they had become “their” place, and in following this pattern, I – we, have made them “OUR” places. Through this whole process, it has been when I step into the pain (which is incredibly shitty) that I have found healing. I know you will find your path, dear Kaye. Blessings, and hugs. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did exactly that too, SS. I called it our “journey of exorcism”. I wanted those places he went with her, to also now contain memories of me. The newer memories ejecting the old ones akin to exorcising demons. He found it distressing (tough shit!) but could see it was necessary for me to do this. I even walked past her house, when I knew she wouldn’t be there, and spat at it. Juvenile behaviour perhaps, but it gave me a feeling of power when I felt I had none.

      Anything we need to do to aid healing is acceptable in my book.

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      1. I agree, FA!! I can’t explain it rationally…it’s not that the past doesn’t exist, but somehow now it doesn’t have the same hold on me. I’m glad someone understands 🙂 Hugs to you!!

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    2. SH – I’m sorry , I just saw this today. I think this is a good idea- hard but good. I feel so sick just seeing the places they were at together. We’ve tried recreating some new memories at places that he took her to that had prior special meaning to us and it was helpful but if I’m completely honest it’s also still hard. That he’d been willing to drive 4 hours to go away with her and spent hours shopping for gifts for her prior to their trip still rips my heart apart- especially because I know the sacrifices of time my children and I made for him.

      I’m grateful we have new memories but it’s hard to ignore the fact that other memories with someone else still exists. But thank you for sharing that verse- really all the healing we do make will only come from Him!

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