It’s been a while since I last posted and I thought I’d check in. Overall I’m doing okay- January was a hard month. I didn’t talk to my husband much and we got into a huge fight the night before my son’s birthday party and both my children were in tears. I know a lot of the anger and sadness I felt then had much to do with Dday being 2 years ago that month.
The day of the party we were civil with each other and I had a chance to tell my siblings that my husband and I weren’t doing too well. A few days later my sister in law and I were texting and she helped me refocus. It’s hard still, with certain triggers and times, not to be absorbed by all that happened.
Two years and 2 months after the worst day of my life I would say that I am healing. I have more good days than bad but I still think of the affair daily and it still causes an enormous amount of pain. I think the best way I can describe where I am at this point is to say that I have a very deep wound and it has a very thin scab over it at this point. I’m still aware of how broken I am, how thin the line is towards being absolutely insane.
I was shopping one day and saw the brand of chocolate my husband had brought for n. e. and I wanted to take my cart and smash right into it. I still scream obscenities out loud when I’m alone and I think about what an absolute and complete asshole my husband was.
I understand brokenness better now. I don’t automatically shake my head in confusion when I hear stories of people losing it. Now, I’m more likely to nod in understanding. I’m so close to that line and it’s still so inviting at times to teeter right off and embrace the crazy. To give into all the nervous restlessness I feel when I’m overwhelmed with images, triggers, grief, or rage.
But there is a scab- it’s thin but I’ve worked hard to let it form and it’s helping to protect that deep wound. I’m working to make it thicker- when the sight of my husband caused me nothing but heartache in January- I would go into another room. There I sat and emailed every resource and contact I had until we found some counseling again. That has been a huge blessing and it’s led us to further healing in the form of a beautiful couple who has walked this ugly road too 15 years earlier and meeting with them gives me tremendous hope.
My scab will just be a scar one day and I’m grateful for that.