It’s been a while since I last posted and I thought I’d check in. Overall I’m doing okay- January was a hard month. I didn’t talk to my husband much and we got into a huge fight the night before my son’s birthday party and both my children were in tears. I know a lot of the anger and sadness I felt then had much to do with Dday being 2 years ago that month.
The day of the party we were civil with each other and I had a chance to tell my siblings that my husband and I weren’t doing too well. A few days later my sister in law and I were texting and she helped me refocus. It’s hard still, with certain triggers and times, not to be absorbed by all that happened.
Two years and 2 months after the worst day of my life I would say that I am healing. I have more good days than bad but I still think of the affair daily and it still causes an enormous amount of pain. I think the best way I can describe where I am at this point is to say that I have a very deep wound and it has a very thin scab over it at this point. I’m still aware of how broken I am, how thin the line is towards being absolutely insane.
I was shopping one day and saw the brand of chocolate my husband had brought for n. e. and I wanted to take my cart and smash right into it. I still scream obscenities out loud when I’m alone and I think about what an absolute and complete asshole my husband was.
I understand brokenness better now. I don’t automatically shake my head in confusion when I hear stories of people losing it. Now, I’m more likely to nod in understanding. I’m so close to that line and it’s still so inviting at times to teeter right off and embrace the crazy. To give into all the nervous restlessness I feel when I’m overwhelmed with images, triggers, grief, or rage.
But there is a scab- it’s thin but I’ve worked hard to let it form and it’s helping to protect that deep wound. I’m working to make it thicker- when the sight of my husband caused me nothing but heartache in January- I would go into another room. There I sat and emailed every resource and contact I had until we found some counseling again. That has been a huge blessing and it’s led us to further healing in the form of a beautiful couple who has walked this ugly road too 15 years earlier and meeting with them gives me tremendous hope.
My scab will just be a scar one day and I’m grateful for that.
safeplacetolland 
Heart
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I whole-heartedly- get it! I am right there with you. Its been 2.5 years for me – I havent updated my blog for a while, kinda was just trying to put it out-of-sight – out -of-mind, besides “life” has just kept me busy but what my husband did, its still always there….Will we ever look at our husbands the same? I mean maybe not the same but to even look at them without that fact that they betrayed us in the worst way?..will it ever go away??
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3 years for me and still can’t look at my OH without being reminded of his betrayal. That is going to be a huge hurdle for me to jump. Maybe one day.
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Did you read LivingWithLou’s recent post about Moving On?? Its kinda what you just wrote about and it answers my comment – in a sense. Maybe 4 years out will be both of ours time – time to let it all go and really move on. One can only hope, right?..
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I did read her blog and it gives me so much hope. I was actually telling my husband about it- I can she the ways I’ve moved on but I’m really wanting to put it way behind me and I’m not there yet. The couple my husband and I met with who are 15 years out said that when they were getting ready to talk to us they were discussing what happened to them with each other and said they had a hard time remembering details. That’s the point I want to get to – right now I feel like the details are still so fresh and I want to forget them!
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Your post came on a day when I am feeling swallowed up. I am just so sad today. Lots of triggers lately. You know it is just as exhausting pushing away the thoughts as thinking about them. I’m tired. I’m actually sleeping in another room tonight because it is just too much right now.
I love your thoughts about this healing like a wound with a scab. I can see that as being true. I can also see how we are all permanently scared. Thank you for your words.
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Oh sweet Kaye. We do so want it to stop – the images and sounds and thoughts and craziness. We didn’t ask for this, but it is us who have to do the hard work of allowing that bloody wound to become the scab as you so aptly describe…and then…the scar.
It is healing, you know. You are healing. And you are doing it so right, so well. You are not running from truth-either of the situation, nor of your own pain. This means that it will become that scar.
I thank you for your authenticity throughout the process…you are helping so many others.
Hope your weekend is blessed with beauty. HUGS.
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Feeling every bit of your pain…and hope Kaye. I am at a similar milestone emotionally. The scab is there, but very fragile and it wouldn’t take much to open up the wound. I have to protect that scab every day. Doesn’t help that it is DDay antiversary week. 3 years for me and hoping the pain will be less than last year, and the one before that. Glad you feel you have found a good source of support. X
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Your DDay must be just a month before mine, and somehow, post-infidelity, that seems like a better marker of one’s “age” than a birthday anymore. At only three months past DDay, you are still in shock; at six months, you’re hitting rage, at a year, the overwhelming enormity of it hits you in every imaginable way and the whole next year is marked by unending sadness. Even when I’d read that it would take many years to heal from this, it’s hard to comprehend until you’re living it. I feel like this whole nightmare not only damaged something lovely in my marriage, it also stole years from me…so celebrating a new year in the aftermath of a spouse’s cheating just doesn’t quite have the same hope for all the exciting possibilities that it once did. It is so hard.
Do you know about the website/support forums at survivinginfidelity.com? Pretty sure that place saved my marriage, and maybe my life.
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