Today

I’m still stuck in this dowanward cycle. Despite a strong desire to communicate with my husband I still remain closed off, never engaging more than necessary.

I still feel this pressing sadness and cry when I’m alone. I feel anger that despite a  strong warning years earlier that showed him how hurtful and costly his addiction to porn, Craigslist and chat rooms were he didn’t stay the course but instead took the actions to initiate an affair that has caused me more pain than I ever knew existed.

I’m angry at the lies during the affair and the lies after. That even though I told him he was to tell me if  the ow contacted him again. He didn’t- first choosing to listen to a family member over what I stated. Then months later, when she confronted him again- he hid that from everyone and then decided the best way to handle the matter was to iniate friendly contact with her  again. I hate his actions and his stupidity. His easy ability to be duplicitous even months after the affair was discovered, despite seeing the agony of hurt and destruction he has caused. 

This is where I am today

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5 thoughts on “Today”

  1. Hi, it’s been a while. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but I just want to remind you that YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE! You’re not “stuck”! First off, I think everything your feeling, after such a terrible betrayal is completely understandable. And you have every right to be hurt, closed off, feeling unsafe and just disconnected with your husband. But I think now that you actually have the desire to communicate with him, and to love him because he deserves it, it shows that you are ready to come out of this cycle. As humans, I don’t think we have the ability to control our emotions sometimes, and we feel things we don’t want to. But we can choose how we act. Not to compare how your feeling to your husband’s poor choices – but could you say that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he gave in to his emotions/temptations and made poor choices. As if he could say that he couldn’t control himself – it was an addiction. But we now know that’s a lie – he had a choice, and he could have chosen to abstain and to remain faithful. But it would have been very hard, and he would have felt very uncomfortable doing the right thing, because his mind and heart was stuck with those emotions. Certainly at the time, he might also have felt “stuck” and going down a rabbit hole. But can you imagine, if he found the strength to over come those emotions by focusing on what matters, and made the choice to act accordingly… those temptations/emotions would have faded with time.
    I think in your case, you’re ready to make the choice to act, despite how you feel. It doesn’t have to be a drastic change, but it could just be a little step, to show some vulnerability and be honest. Be honest about how youre feeling, and your desire to love him again. Little steps. And be kind to yourself.

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  2. Kaye, I don’t know why I cannot remember the specifics in your case. Has your husband been diagnosed as an addict? Does he consider himself an addict? If he is/does, does he have a strict plan for recovery that he is following? If he does not consider himself an addict, is he seeing a counselor? Are you seeing a counselor? Are the two of you seeing someone together regarding your marriage? You are obviously still in much pain, which is totally understandable, but with no communication going on between you, I’m not sure what could ease your pain right now other than individual therapy AND seeing that your husband is righting his wrongs. He did what he did for a reason. When I was told by a therapist to stop trying to make sense of the senseless, I was angry. My life is about making sense. AND, there was sense to be made of my husband’s situation. Yes, he made horrible awful hurtful choices and he is a cheater, but acknowledging the source of his emptiness and why he hated himself so much is crucial to his continuation of being a better human being, for himself first, and everyone around him second. If there is stagnancy in him or his behavior, I can see why you are struggling. And I don’t mean he is necessarily doing anything wrong at this point, but that there is more to healing than just being a good boy now. Sorry, I don’t mean to pry, but your pain is palpable and I know that feeling well. ❤

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  3. Sorry to hear you are still struggling with this hon. I do hope you are able to climb out of the pit soon. I really empathise and understand you feeling this way. I am feeling a bit better after my recent down spell. Some exciting family news has lifted my spirits enough to be able to put it back in its box (for now at least). Much love. X

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  4. Thinking about the choices they made and the lies….it just devastates me. I wonder how it would feel to be the betrayer. You could never convince me it’s the same or worse
    I love my husband differently now. I for sure love him less. At one time I would have said I would die for him. Now? No. I suppose in someway he actually killed a part of me. I struggle with that.
    Oh Kaye- I hear your anger. I feel your anger. I understand every last shred of fury. I have not figured out how to get past it(obviously) but I know we can’t let it take away anything else from us. They did this to us but we have to survive it for ourselves. Xo

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