In January 2015 I found out my husband had been having a 10 month affair with a woman from his job, and just like that my safe place was shattered.  I learned that he had brought her to our home, to our bed- he took advantage of a rare trip away to visit friends with my children and my dad being sick in the hospital for his own selfish gains.  He spoiled her with gifts and trips- and his time.  I hate him for the person he was.  I hate that he had the capacity to be such an assshole.  I hate that I am left with all this pain and I hate that on most days i’m not able to  carry it well.

Where do you go when your home is tainted? When your husband is the one that has caused you more pain than you thought could ever possibly exist? When you dont want to keep feeling like a broken, burden to your family and friends?   Where do you go when you’re falling and you no longer have what you once considered a constant, sure thing beneath you?  When you no longer have a safe place to land?

I found comfort here, online- on forums and through blogs- where i read, and i cried and i said ” yes, me too. me too”!  Here I’ve found that I’m not alone, not crazy, not hopeless.  Here i found a safe place to land with so many others who have been pushed to a free fall by the ones that should have loved them the most.


4 thoughts on “About”

  1. Exactly … where do you go when your home is tainted. I struggle with that.

    I don’t want to leave and break up my family…. but my home is tainted. And it causes me such depression… anger… sadness… that sometimes I just don’t carry it well either (loved that you wrote that – I don’t know why … just made sense – because it is something we carry).

    I don’t have a safe place to land either. My husband, in his “way” is trying to be that safe place…. but when I look at him sometimes I can only see the pain he’s caused me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know- it is so hard. I tell myself over and over again- time and grace it’s the only way to get through this. In the beginning I relied so much on my husband ” getting it” but that’s never going to happen. He even asked me last night if I had struggled with any thoughts and I just shook my head at the foolishness of his question. I struggle every day. I may not think about it every second like in the early weeks but Im still at a place where not an hour goes by without it coming to mind several times.
      So I am learning to depend mostly on my faith and myself- I have a vision of who I want to be when I get through the first year of this- that’s less then a year away but I’m working hard on getting me there. Considering I had another break down early this month it may be hopeless but I refuse to give up on me. That’s what my husband did and I know I deserve better. I’m not the kind of person you quit on. I may only be making tiny bits of progress but I’ll take it.
      Was he a good man before the affair? Is he trying now? It’s the hardest thing to force myself to live in the present but I told myself I want to work on our marriage and to really do that I need to give the guy doing the hard work now a fair chance.

      We’re all here together- it’s hard. My God, it is. You don’t deserve to be hurt this badly but in this fucked up world we’re all delt shitty hands at several points in our lives and this is the deck we’ve been delt right now. By our husbands, no less -when they were assholes. But regardless of whether my husband is still an asshole or not I’m determined to come out of this a winner for myself and my
      Kids and I know you will too. You are strong. You’re doing the hard, gritty stuff and you’re doing it the best you can- be gentle with yourself and hold on to the hope that time and grace offers us. Praying for peace for all of us!!

      Liked by 2 people

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