Terror

Things are okay. I’m trying to focus on the good- even though the past and all its hurt is always still there. Sadly,  it’s still present- ready to swallow me up and envelope me completely if I give it the slightest chance.

Last night I had a dream that reminded me so much of Dday.  In my dream all the similarities of Dday, thankfully, lead up to nothing but before I become aware of that, what I feel is terror. There’s absolute dread inside of me as I wonder what I will find.  It was so heavy that it woke me up and it’s stayed with me all day. 

Terror. Dread. 

Wayward spouses,  I wish you could understand the damage your betrayal causes.  That when things seem off or certain things feel too similar to how it did in the past- it’s not a simple concern that is felt.  

It. Is.Terror. 

I will never understand how my husband could commit adultery. I will never understand how he could justify it. I will never understand his ability to deceive me and I will never understand how he could reassure me when I brought up my concerns. He manipulated my trust in him completely. 

I know he’s sorry and he’s done so much good.  I smile thinking about all the good he’s doing now as a husband and as a father.  But the way he broke my heart- I don’t know if it will ever fit just right again.   It won’t be the same. It can’t be.  All those good and wonderful moments in our lives where the joy should be brimming over – it doesn’t. 

That’s what terror does.  It runs deep and you can’t unfeel it.  It halts the joy that was once innocent, trusting and uncontainable. I think back to the times I believed so easily and could just feel without any hesitation or restraint. I envy it but I also shake my head at the foolishness of it.

I wish I knew going into marriage that It’s a foolish thing to trust the man you love. The man who asks you to spend a lifetime with him.  The man who you create a family with. The man you plan a future with. The man who reassures you with loving words.  Those words were lies and now when you start feeling those feelings of trust, you’ll get yanked back hard by the terror you walked through. It will protect you from ever being foolish again. 

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