Reconcile

It’s been 28 months since Dday. I have been struggling for the past week since the last trigger.  I feel like sometimes they just pile on. My family and my siblings and their families traveled out of state for a wedding this weekend. We did some fun things but there are still things that cause me to struggle. We went to a waterpark last Friday and there was a woman in a bikini whose body reminded me so much of the ow. Her bikini accentuated the part of her body that my husband was so attracted to on the ow that he just had to iniate a relationship with her. 

The woman at the water park was there with her family. Her husband and her were packing on the pda. Every time I would see them I would think about how my husband went away with the ow on a beach trip and would imagine them all over each other.  And I hate it. I’m so tired of all these thoughts and weary of fighting through these triggers. I feel like every time I make some progress, something comes up and I’m pulled back to all the pain, hurt, and anger. 

Then there’s my husband, who I’ve been communicating with on as a needed basis only for the past week. My son made a comment yesterday that I wasn’t really talking as much as I used to. I just told him that sometimes I don’t feel much like talking. But at the water park,  my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I sat with her at the wading pool area. My husband helped my brother and sister in law with their 3 young kids. He paid for a cabana for all of us as well as dinner. At the wedding he took my sister’s daughter for a little bit and danced with her – which means a lot to me -because my brother in law isn’t really the best dad and I like when my husband steps in and shows her and my other niece a good model of what a dad is.

In so many ways he shows me how different he is than the man who cheated on me. That he is the man I believed him to be. He’s trying to be considerate of the things that matter to me. He’s trying to be consistent in showing me that he cares even as I pull away. I want to be better and do better for him too. But I find it so hard to reconcile this man with the man who purposely hurt me for 10 months. Who didn’t think about me or my children for 10 months.  Who brought the ow to our home and bed. Who made an awful comment about my dad while he was in the hospital because his hospitalization meant we had to cancel our anniversary trip. Who lavishly spoiled the ow. I hate, loathe and despise that man.  That awful, disgusting man makes it so hard for me to love this man.  That man has filled me with pain so deep that 28 months later it still hasn’t run dry.

I want to love my husband. He deserves it. I have not gone easy on him. I have not been gracious. He has felt my full fury. He has spent nights sleeping on the floor of  his tiny office at work. He has been humiliated in front of his family.  I know he still has so many issues to deal with and work through but my God he has been fighting hard for me. I just need to forgive him for ever forgetting about me and our children.  I just don’t know how.

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Blog Anniversary 

I got a notification right now that it’s been one year since I started blogging. I can remember those first entities.  I wrote an about me and my first entry was about my husband.  It took me 10 months after Dday to write down my story.

In the early weeks and months when I would attemp to journal or write I would become overcome with anger and hurt. I remember one day my daughter asked me if I had a piece of paper she could use. I reached for a notebook I had nearby to pull out a piece of paper for her. I opened the notebook to a page I had written just days after Dday. I almost dropped the notebook when I saw the words I had written. There was so much anger and hatred in those words. It was so hard for me to put together a sentence that wasn’t laced with venom. I had never felt such rage or grief before. I could not believe my husband had done so many awful things. I felt like I didn’t even know this selfish monster that was revealed on Dday. He repelled me but at the same time I still loved the husband I remembered. It took me a long time to even accept the idea he had been both. It took me a long time to believe he truly didn’t want to be the monster version- some times I still struggle with that.

For months before my first post I would read a lot of posts by others. I couldn’t believe that I had found this little community whose words and heartbreak mirrored my own. They understood, they got it. They gave me hope, support, empathy, encouragement and made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

I  remember thinking as I read that this was my safe place. I could leave it all here. Expose every bitter thought I had about my husband, the ow. I could share every awful thing that had been done to me and also share every awful thing I did as a result. I could allow myself to be vulnerable and write that I did still love my husband even though there was so much ugliness. I could mournover everything  my children had witnessed and experienced. I could write about all the stumbles I had and continue to have on this journey.?

I didn’t have to worry that I was burdening anyone. I didn’t need to wonder if I was being judged for staying in my marriage or for struggling for so long with getting through all this misery. I could write at night when I couldn’t sleep. I could cry at the hurt others was experiencing because I know it so well.

I found my people. I found my safe place and my heart will always be grateful.

Thank you to all of you- I honestly mean it when I say you helped anchor me. I hope and pray to God that each of us can heal, grow, and thrive despite all the trials and heartaches we experience in this life.

More shit, different day!

After Dday I demanded access to all of my husband’s emails – including his work email.

Today I checked it and there was an email from one of his partners inquiring if their office would be okay with taking on interns from a certain college. They recently hired a new partner in the last year from out of state who wasn’t familiar with the college and he responded to the email asking where the college was located?

My husband sent a response saying he had no problems with the internship and then added that the college was located at xyz.  Xyz- happens to be where my husband’s whore lives. I saw that he had typed the name of her town and I lost it.

I sent him a series of texts saying I hate xyz  because of her! I also hate that he doesn’t get it! That in case he hadn’t noticed that I’ve been struggling enough this month with triggers without him adding another one!

I said that besides the college they also have a fucking  whore living in xyz, but that he was already well aware of that. The kind of sick whore that needs to be fucked in hotels and resorts, and oh yeah, our fucking home.

He said he was sorry! I told him he needed to stop creating more reasons to be sorry. That he knows I check his email! That he doesn’t get to have an affair, violate our family and home and then conveniently forget all the details and just mention her town in an email that he knows I will see! Not when I’m still tortured by his fucking affair! I mean I need to listen to things throughout the night just to fall asleep!  I’ve barely spoken to at him at all this month because I’m so heartbroken over what he did!

He could have just said he was fine with the internship and let someone else comment on where it’s located!  I know it’s seems like a minor thing but it’s not for me! I  miss feeling safe and I wish he would do a better job of keeping me safe and I’m not going to act like it’s not bothering me when it  hurts and infuriates me! I’m so damn tired of all this crap! The never ending load of crap !

Tangled

That’s what my life with my husband and our children is. We are entangled together and we should be. We are a family.

All this hurt I feel now is because my husband chose to entangle someone else into our family. Well no- he thought she could be a separate thing that never touched us. But he was so wrong.  He was the only one that knew about this new thread. To the kids and I she was invisible but she was wrapping herself around us, choking us.

And then I heard him on the phone. I heard him say “because you’re my girlfriend” and the thread became visible and I went hot with rage. I went crazy. I pulled that thread out. I didn’t gently untangle it. I pulled hard and fast and I yanked at it- not even thinking about how it would affect the threads that were my children. I screamed, I raged, I cried as I yanked. My husband had allowed this disgusting thread to intertwine itself heavily into our lives, into our home, our bed. And so intertwined was he to her that now when I saw him all I felt was the same disgust. I yanked at him too. He no longer belonged intertwined with us!

Even after they were both yanked out. I wasn’t satisfied. I was fearful and still crazy. Any fucking fiber of her thread left behind, left me undone. Any reminder of it warranted my undoing.

20 months later. I’m still fearful. I still come undone at the reminders. But I weep more. I no longer rage in front of anyone, just alone sometimes. I scream. I let the anger rise inside. I feel it in my body rising hot and fast and then  I let it go.

I look at the the threads of our family and see the damage done from her thread chocking us and from the pulling and the yanking I did to remove her and flung her away.

In trying to unravel my husband from us, I found that I can’t and that I no longer want to.  We’re not simple threads. We’re thicker, heavier, more substantial. We’re sturdy and we belong with each other. We’re interlaced and intertwined and tangled together in a million places. We’re bound by moments, memories, joys, tears, love, hopes, history  and dreams. And when I look at us – I see the parts that have become snagged, shredded, and torn but then I see us wrap the stronger parts of us over those weakened areas and I know they’ll be stronger. We will be stronger and maybe we already are.

Fuck it’s almost October!

I have not been doing well this week. Let’s count all the reasons why I hate that it’s almost October

#1- a whore was born

#2 my husband brought the whore  to our home for a second time but this time he fucked her in our bedroom. Oh yeah, and  he did this while I was at my parents house with the kids because my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed!

#3 there are signs all over our fucking town about an annual Halloween event he took the whore to! I was home alone with our kids while he was out on a fucking date!

That’s enough reasons to hate my fucking husband and hate October. There’s so little I can do that doesn’t remind me of the fucking affair!

Unwanted

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and even though I asked specifically to never now her actual birthday  I found out anyway.

Its just a few days after mine and while the affair was going on she was out of the country for her birthday. I know that he missed her and that while he was with me he was thinking about her and missing her. He didn’t want to be with me or celebrate me. We went out to dinner with our kids but his mind was on her and I feel so hurt by it all. All that’s going through my mind is that I was unwanted.

im supposed to be getting groceries right now but instead I’m sitting in my car crying over this. I hate it.

its such an awful feeling to know that someone you love was just tolerating you while being consumed with feelings for someone else. It’s such a deep pain. It slices straight through to your bones.

Grief

My father in law passed away late  last week and this week we had his funeral and burial. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been one of the most difficult months since Dday- and because I use Dday as a defining event in my life, I quickly realized that my father in law’s burial took place exactly 19 months after D- day.

I hope to write more about all this later but right now I’m just frustrated over how I can’t even grieve his death properly because ALWAYS, ALWAYS there is the stupid affair!

I think I’ve done a good job being there for my husband. But I have struggled with so many things privately though. I have shared some of it here on the blog — but shit, there is no shortage of awful reminders about the worst time of my life!

I hate this situation and all the pain it still causes. There are reminders everywhere to bring my grief back up.  I needed to get some foundation and went to Sephora- walking through it though, all I could think about was that my fucking husband had been in this very same fucking store buying fucking perfume for the fuking whore. This was the mall he had done all his holiday shopping for her – store after store – and then came home and lied to me right in my face!  I can’t even go home to see family without being reminded of how little he thought about me and how little he loved me.

Watching tv is such a trigger at times too.  We were watching Family Fued this week and one of the questions was – where would people who work together go to have sex. So of course I immediately think of my husband and his whore and I hate this. I hate it.

I’ve gotten so much better at talking myself away from me the edge of this cliff and of listening to my husband when he tries to talk me away from it too but I  hate how often I still find myself teetering at the edge of it. I didn’t ask for any of this but I suffer so much because of it.  He suffers because no matter how much he does- he can never make it right! And it’s true. He was a fucking sleezebag asshole and every fucking reminder feels like the affair is being rubbed in my face again and again and I hate it.

All I want from this time is to grieve my father in law. But I can’t even do that! One of the things that my husband told the whore is that maybe they could be together when his parents die. Apparently he knew they wouldn’t be welcoming a whore with open arms and though my head and heart knows he loves me there is still a fear. A persistent, nagging voice that reminds me of these words he said to her and it breaks my heart!

Fucking edge!!! God please help me from falling in!