Scab

It’s been a while since I last posted and I thought I’d check in. Overall I’m doing okay- January was a hard month.  I didn’t talk to my husband much and we got into a huge fight the night before my son’s birthday party and both my children were in tears. I know a lot of the anger and sadness I felt then had much to do with Dday being 2 years ago that month.

 The day of the party we were civil with each other and I had a chance to tell my siblings that my husband and I weren’t doing too well.  A few days later my sister in law and I were texting and she helped me refocus. It’s hard still, with certain triggers and times, not to be absorbed by all that happened. 

Two years and 2 months after the worst day of my life I would say that I am healing. I have more good days than bad but I still think of the affair daily and it still causes an enormous amount of pain. I think the best way I can describe where I am at this point is to say that I have a very deep wound and it has a very thin scab over it at this point. I’m still aware of how broken I am, how thin the line is towards being absolutely insane. 

I was shopping one day and saw the brand of chocolate my husband had brought for n. e.  and I wanted to take my cart and smash right into it. I still scream obscenities out loud when I’m alone and I think about what an absolute and complete asshole my husband was. 

I understand brokenness better now. I don’t automatically shake my head in confusion when I hear stories of people losing it. Now, I’m more likely to nod in understanding. I’m so close to that line and it’s still so inviting at times to teeter right off and embrace the crazy.  To give into all the nervous restlessness I feel when I’m overwhelmed with images, triggers, grief, or rage.
But there is a scab- it’s thin but I’ve worked hard to let it form and it’s helping to protect that deep wound. I’m working to make it thicker- when the sight of my husband caused me nothing but heartache in January- I would go into another room. There I sat and emailed every resource and contact I had until we found some counseling again. That has been a huge blessing and it’s led us to further healing in the form of a beautiful couple who has walked this ugly road too 15 years earlier and meeting with them gives me tremendous hope. 

My scab will just be a scar one day and I’m grateful for that.

1 Month✅

In two weeks it will be 23 months from Dday- 23 months!!! For a very long time after Dday I felt like I was losing my sanity.  There was  even a point where I became terrified that I was actually losing control over myself.

I was at home, waiting for the repairman one day. He didn’t come when he was supposed to and I had to wait longer.  During all that time all I could think about was the affair and I started looking at the ow’s fb. She had posted something vague and cryptic that immediately made me think that  the affair had started up again. I called my husband immediately, completely wrecked. He reassured me that it was definitely over and he had no desire to ever be unfaithful again.

Later he called to check up on me. I told him that I felt like she was doing this to purposely screw with me.  I questioned  how he could have ever been with someone so awful and how he could do this? He tried to explain- I kept asking what was so appealing?? About her and the affair. He said that the secrecy of it was exciting.

I lost it- I began screaming that denying his life with the kids and I  was appealing. I screamed and I yelled and then I hung up. When the repairman finally came I was sobbing uncontrollably. He thought someone had died. I told him everything was fine. When he was done and had to leave he told me he felt bad leaving me in such a awful state. Again I reassured him. When he was gone I felt like this man, who was basically a stranger, cared more about me than my husband did. After all, my husband was the one who had willingly brought all this pain upon me!

I found myself  getting worked up again. I wanted them both to hurt. I wanted them to pay but it seemed I was the only one suffering from their affair.  My husband came home early from work.  I  was so upset and I began doubting him. Maybe he was back with her and once again lying to me- I mean a secret, double life had been titilating to him, right?

I was sitting on the floor yelling at my husband, when my body started suddenly twitching and I couldn’t control it.  Also, at the same time, my voice had this strange quality to it.  I felt like someone else’s voice was coming out of my body.  A part of me thought I had become possessed. 

I would learn later that it was all psychosomatic. My body was trying to deal with the stress, and at that point, also the fear I felt as a result of the affair. It was awful and terrifying. It was also further evidence of how deeply damaging the affair was. How my husband could have ever convinced himself that his affair wouldn’t hurt me or cause destruction to our family I will never understand? Those are the only things an affair does.

So, in the midst of so many weeks of insanity, sadness, and rage-  a part of me would always perk up when I seemed to go without feeling any of these emotions for a prolonged time. It just felt so good to feel good and have it last for a week or so. 

  It felt good to talk to my husband every day.  It felt good when I could manage the hard emotions without retreating into a shell and hiding behind this wall I had created. A wall that felt like it was the only thing that could protect me from all the hurt.  It was good not to cut my husband down with my words and also not feel absolute loathing for him.  It was good to see my children happy- no insecurities present on their faces.

But I never could make it more than 2.5 weeks. There would be triggers. There would be thoughts of -this time last year he was doing this -and with those thoughts came images. It seemed my period was also often a time for me to emotionally lose it.

 I’m definitely not the most confident woman in the world but neither have I been the most insecure. But now, I was battling insecurities constantly and I was angry at my husband for that. His affair was robbing me of so much. So with all that, I never got very far with the good feelings.  As much as I wanted it and hoped for it –  it never seemed to last. I just wanted a month- one sweet month of sweet sanity and this past Thursday it finally came!

A month ago, on the 15, after another hard week of cold feelings towards my husband,  I sent him a text asking if we could be friends again.  He replied with , Yes please- and that’s what we’ve been for the last month.  I have had some hard moments in the past month and one particularly difficult night, but we would talk about it and together get through it. That sadness, while real, never built itself into the wall I normally hide behind, and that’s been really good.

Im so happy for this incredible month. I have hoped for it, and looked forward to it as it grew closer- and it has finally became realized and I’m so very grateful!

 

Doing Well 

I rarely write when things are going well between my husband and I, so I thought I would do that today. We’ve been good for about two weeks and it’s been really wonderful. We’ve been able to enjoy time with our children, families, thanksgiving and our anniversary.

I’ve mentioned before that I listen to audio books at night to help me sleep. Recently, I listened to The Life We Bury by Allen Esken. It’s an intelligently written thriller with characters that I really enjoyed. Unfortunately, I was falling asleep at the same chapter night after night and really wanted to know how the story progresssed. 

One day, while waiting for my children’s bus I decided to listen to the remainder of the chapter. I don’t want to give too much away in case any one else may want to read it in the future but one of the characters in the book, who was almost killed, manages to save his own life. The next day when he’s certain he’s out of danger he ventures out to look for help. He takes a moment to rest and take in the beauty of the day and reflects on how this was a day that was almost stolen from him. 

As I listened to that line it made me think about my own life. I was doing well. I was content and happy and enjoying my life with my husband and children. We would be spending Thanksgiving together,  visiting both of our families. We had plans to go away for a couple of days to celebrate our anniversary. These were all things that were almost stolen from me. 

It’s been so hard to get to this place. It’s  frustrating when a trigger or something else makes me lose my footing and I find myself crashing back down to a place full of hurt, anger, insecurities and confusion but I keep fighting and my husband keeps fighting. And because we have both chosen to fight and continue to do so, we have these beautiful moments where we look over at each other and smile with delight as we watch our daughter perform at a school function. We drive home after seeing both our families on Thanksgiving and comment on what a wonderful time we had with our families.  We watch our children’s joy as they take out ornaments that are special to them and created by them and watch as they’re hung up as we decorate the tree together. 

We celebrated 12 years together this past weekend. It has been hard. I know it will still be hard at times but these good moments show me how much this fight has been worth it!

Thrive

i recently read something about different responses to betrayal  in the long run. The writer said you can choose to continue to feel like a victim of the betrayal, you can survive it or you can thrive.

Over the 19 months since Dday I have felt like I’m mostly just surviving. There will be times that I thrive, where I feel like I’m giving the affair a huge F YOU by how well I’m living out my life but those times seem short lived- quick burst of happiness that soon fizzle out.  The past four months especially, I’ve noticed that I’ve been in this weird phase where the affair is a weight on me that I can’t shake.

My recent desire for Self Care  was set on the back burner by my Father in law’s illness and death. It’s also caused me to miss out on social activities and I feel so disconnected from everything, but mostly I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel like, along with my desires,  I’ve put my whole self on the back burner, and while this may have felt normal prior to Dday- to be on the bottom of the list of priorities, now I feel unsettled by it.

Maybe that’s why that statement resonated  with me so much during these last few days since I’ve read it. Looking at my life,  I feel like I’m merely existing. Nothing especially has me excited.  I feel more saddened by my life. I find myself wondering about the what ifs.

i try and remind myself that the garden is greener where it’s watered and right now watering my marriage doesn’t seem as vital as just watering myself.

i need to thrive.  Surviving is amazing and I will never under value it. I know how hard I fought to get out of bed in those early days, to care for my two young children but now I need more. I need to get out of survival mode and feel good about me and my life. I’m going to work on figuring out how I can thrive because right now I’m just feeling depleted and sad.

My story, our story.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who could open the local magazine that featured discounts, without seeing a restaurant advertised, and feel heartbroken.

She could drive by another restaurant without thinking- “that’s where my husband and I had our first date in this new town two years ago.  But he had already started the affair, so it was really only a first date for her. He had already been on dates to other restaurants in this town with someone else.”

she could send texts with images from a new app without feeling sick to her stomach, when she realizes that one of the themes the app uses is a movie her husband watched with another woman.

that women was naively happy for a long time. She could do so many simple, everyday things without feeling like she was suddenly punched in the stomach. That was her life until a horrible day known as Dday occurred. On Dday, a massive bomb went off and her world exploded all around her. Now- every. single. day. after Dday, there would be smaller bombs, called triggers, that would crush her  heart and put her stomach in knots. She hated these triggers and all the thoughts and images that came with them.

but this is her life now, thanks to a man who had vowed to always love, honor and cherish her. A man she trusted with the title of her husband. He lied and she suffers.

but she knows that this is not the end of her story. She is determined that she will still find joy, happiness, peace, and forgiveness and she will.

THE END ❤️

Morning Devotional

April 5

Salvation

Kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time
– 1 Peter 1:5

How was the earth formed out of nothing? It was the power of God (Jeremiah 51:15). How does God have his way in the hurricane or the tsunami? By his great power (Nahum 1:3). What holds our planet, our solar system, our universe together? It is the power of God (Hebrews 1:3). How is our faith sustained through the challenges of this life? We are kept by the power of God.

Isn’t it a wonderful comfort to know that your faith, which did not originate in you to begin with (Ephesians 2:8), is upheld by the strength of God himself? The same force that makes the mountains continue is continually working in your heart and soul by the power of the Holy Spirit.

We do not always feel like traveling on. Our faith certainly has its ups and downs. Yet what a great blessing to know that the One who has begun this good work of salvation in your heart through faith will continue the work he has begun. As Augustine reverently observed, “God is not a deceiver, that he should offer to support us, and then, when we lean upon him, should slip away from us.”

It is by the power of God that we are kept through faith, and it is the faithfulness of God which continues this work of salvation in us until the very last day. Believer, though your faith may be weak, in itself, it is planted in the mighty ability of the almighty God.
http://baptistbiblehour.org

Trauma and growth

I  read this article this morning and wanted to share it. I would never put my husband’s infidelity on the same scale as the horror this family experienced, but I do find myself struggling with some of the same things that they struggle with – mainly fear.

I realize every day that there is so much out of my control. There is so much about life that I can not predict. If anyone could, understandably, allow their lives to be dictated by fear – it would be this family but they chose not to.

I actually read a few more related articles because I was so impressed with this family’s fortitude, grace, and strength and I’m learning, like them, that I do not have to allow my fears to stunt my living.

As a mother myself, I was really affected by the last few lines of this article. This mother’s love for her sweet boy is so evident in the beautiful words of her journal.  I don’t know how she carried forth despite her pain and the torment I know her heart  and mind experienced, but she did and she did it so well.  It makes me realize that I can too- that we each can, and I pray that we  each  do.

http://www.newyorker.com/tehch/elements/can-trauma-help-you-grow