Reconcile

It’s been 28 months since Dday. I have been struggling for the past week since the last trigger.  I feel like sometimes they just pile on. My family and my siblings and their families traveled out of state for a wedding this weekend. We did some fun things but there are still things that cause me to struggle. We went to a waterpark last Friday and there was a woman in a bikini whose body reminded me so much of the ow. Her bikini accentuated the part of her body that my husband was so attracted to on the ow that he just had to iniate a relationship with her. 

The woman at the water park was there with her family. Her husband and her were packing on the pda. Every time I would see them I would think about how my husband went away with the ow on a beach trip and would imagine them all over each other.  And I hate it. I’m so tired of all these thoughts and weary of fighting through these triggers. I feel like every time I make some progress, something comes up and I’m pulled back to all the pain, hurt, and anger. 

Then there’s my husband, who I’ve been communicating with on as a needed basis only for the past week. My son made a comment yesterday that I wasn’t really talking as much as I used to. I just told him that sometimes I don’t feel much like talking. But at the water park,  my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I sat with her at the wading pool area. My husband helped my brother and sister in law with their 3 young kids. He paid for a cabana for all of us as well as dinner. At the wedding he took my sister’s daughter for a little bit and danced with her – which means a lot to me -because my brother in law isn’t really the best dad and I like when my husband steps in and shows her and my other niece a good model of what a dad is.

In so many ways he shows me how different he is than the man who cheated on me. That he is the man I believed him to be. He’s trying to be considerate of the things that matter to me. He’s trying to be consistent in showing me that he cares even as I pull away. I want to be better and do better for him too. But I find it so hard to reconcile this man with the man who purposely hurt me for 10 months. Who didn’t think about me or my children for 10 months.  Who brought the ow to our home and bed. Who made an awful comment about my dad while he was in the hospital because his hospitalization meant we had to cancel our anniversary trip. Who lavishly spoiled the ow. I hate, loathe and despise that man.  That awful, disgusting man makes it so hard for me to love this man.  That man has filled me with pain so deep that 28 months later it still hasn’t run dry.

I want to love my husband. He deserves it. I have not gone easy on him. I have not been gracious. He has felt my full fury. He has spent nights sleeping on the floor of  his tiny office at work. He has been humiliated in front of his family.  I know he still has so many issues to deal with and work through but my God he has been fighting hard for me. I just need to forgive him for ever forgetting about me and our children.  I just don’t know how.

Blog Anniversary 

I got a notification right now that it’s been one year since I started blogging. I can remember those first entities.  I wrote an about me and my first entry was about my husband.  It took me 10 months after Dday to write down my story.

In the early weeks and months when I would attemp to journal or write I would become overcome with anger and hurt. I remember one day my daughter asked me if I had a piece of paper she could use. I reached for a notebook I had nearby to pull out a piece of paper for her. I opened the notebook to a page I had written just days after Dday. I almost dropped the notebook when I saw the words I had written. There was so much anger and hatred in those words. It was so hard for me to put together a sentence that wasn’t laced with venom. I had never felt such rage or grief before. I could not believe my husband had done so many awful things. I felt like I didn’t even know this selfish monster that was revealed on Dday. He repelled me but at the same time I still loved the husband I remembered. It took me a long time to even accept the idea he had been both. It took me a long time to believe he truly didn’t want to be the monster version- some times I still struggle with that.

For months before my first post I would read a lot of posts by others. I couldn’t believe that I had found this little community whose words and heartbreak mirrored my own. They understood, they got it. They gave me hope, support, empathy, encouragement and made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

I  remember thinking as I read that this was my safe place. I could leave it all here. Expose every bitter thought I had about my husband, the ow. I could share every awful thing that had been done to me and also share every awful thing I did as a result. I could allow myself to be vulnerable and write that I did still love my husband even though there was so much ugliness. I could mournover everything  my children had witnessed and experienced. I could write about all the stumbles I had and continue to have on this journey.?

I didn’t have to worry that I was burdening anyone. I didn’t need to wonder if I was being judged for staying in my marriage or for struggling for so long with getting through all this misery. I could write at night when I couldn’t sleep. I could cry at the hurt others was experiencing because I know it so well.

I found my people. I found my safe place and my heart will always be grateful.

Thank you to all of you- I honestly mean it when I say you helped anchor me. I hope and pray to God that each of us can heal, grow, and thrive despite all the trials and heartaches we experience in this life.

More shit, different day!

After Dday I demanded access to all of my husband’s emails – including his work email.

Today I checked it and there was an email from one of his partners inquiring if their office would be okay with taking on interns from a certain college. They recently hired a new partner in the last year from out of state who wasn’t familiar with the college and he responded to the email asking where the college was located?

My husband sent a response saying he had no problems with the internship and then added that the college was located at xyz.  Xyz- happens to be where my husband’s whore lives. I saw that he had typed the name of her town and I lost it.

I sent him a series of texts saying I hate xyz  because of her! I also hate that he doesn’t get it! That in case he hadn’t noticed that I’ve been struggling enough this month with triggers without him adding another one!

I said that besides the college they also have a fucking  whore living in xyz, but that he was already well aware of that. The kind of sick whore that needs to be fucked in hotels and resorts, and oh yeah, our fucking home.

He said he was sorry! I told him he needed to stop creating more reasons to be sorry. That he knows I check his email! That he doesn’t get to have an affair, violate our family and home and then conveniently forget all the details and just mention her town in an email that he knows I will see! Not when I’m still tortured by his fucking affair! I mean I need to listen to things throughout the night just to fall asleep!  I’ve barely spoken to at him at all this month because I’m so heartbroken over what he did!

He could have just said he was fine with the internship and let someone else comment on where it’s located!  I know it’s seems like a minor thing but it’s not for me! I  miss feeling safe and I wish he would do a better job of keeping me safe and I’m not going to act like it’s not bothering me when it  hurts and infuriates me! I’m so damn tired of all this crap! The never ending load of crap !

Buried

Every day this month I feel like I wake up wanting to try and like my husband but shortly after getting up I find myself still feeling cold and numb towards him.  It doesn’t help that the nights are so tough for me.  I’m still listening to podcasts. I’ve also downloaded audible and am currently listening to the book “A Man Called Ove” but last night the story became part of a nightmare involving the affair- why is escaping it so hard?  I’m trying, I hate thinking about it but the affair forces its way into my head anyway.

I know he’s not that same person but I’m still so hurt that he was ever willing to be that person who could violate me and our family so easily. And that’s exactly what he did -he violated me, our children, our families, our home. His willingness to do that not only hurts me but it also terrifies me.

I don’t like being married to someone who not only possessed a personality and character that I loathe, but also character and personality that I don’t even remotely recognize. How could he  become someone so completely different than the person I knew?  How could he give such unrestricted  access of our lives to a filthy, disgusting, cruel woman while hiding her complete existence  from me?  Why did he protect his life with her but not our lives with him?

The distance between us continues. I don’t like it but I don’t feel safe bridging it right now. I know it hurts him but I am no longer the wife that is willing to compromise herself and her emotions for him. He buried that wife 20 months ago.

?

Sleep continues to be an issue for me. After Dday, when I couldn’t sleep, I began to listen to archived sermons from the church we were attending as a way to quiet my mind from the incessant thoughts about the affair.  I found that while listening, the sound of a steady voice would eventually lull me to sleep.

So recently I began listening to podcasts in bed. Last night I listened to the Dear Sugar podcast series that discussed infidelity. I was in and out but they had Esther Perel on and something she said struck me. She was discussing rebuilding a marriage after an affair and how you need to figure out why the affair happened?   Why was one spouse able to dismiss and push aside the other? What assurance does the betrayed spouse have that she will not be hurt like this again?

The remark that struck me was that Esther said – when you love someone you hold a place for them in your mind, heart, within yourself. So the betraying spouse needs to figure out why he was so easily able to evict his spouse from his inner being?  Why when the opportunity for an affair came up didn’t the betraying spouse say I would love to do this but I’m not going to, it’s not worth it to me? Why wasn’t the space held for his spouse and children?

And it struck me because it hurts! Because despite this hurt and devastation I see that my children and I keep our space for him. We can’t evict him. Even when I hated him I loved him. Even when I wanted more than anything else to push him as far away from us as possible I couldn’t do it. I loved him. When he wasn’t here I worried about him, missed him. So why was it so easy, simple, thrilling and fun for him to leave us?  How could he not hold a place for our children and I, when it’s mpossible for us not to hold his place inside of us?

Fuck it’s almost October!

I have not been doing well this week. Let’s count all the reasons why I hate that it’s almost October

#1- a whore was born

#2 my husband brought the whore  to our home for a second time but this time he fucked her in our bedroom. Oh yeah, and  he did this while I was at my parents house with the kids because my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed!

#3 there are signs all over our fucking town about an annual Halloween event he took the whore to! I was home alone with our kids while he was out on a fucking date!

That’s enough reasons to hate my fucking husband and hate October. There’s so little I can do that doesn’t remind me of the fucking affair!

Thrive

i recently read something about different responses to betrayal  in the long run. The writer said you can choose to continue to feel like a victim of the betrayal, you can survive it or you can thrive.

Over the 19 months since Dday I have felt like I’m mostly just surviving. There will be times that I thrive, where I feel like I’m giving the affair a huge F YOU by how well I’m living out my life but those times seem short lived- quick burst of happiness that soon fizzle out.  The past four months especially, I’ve noticed that I’ve been in this weird phase where the affair is a weight on me that I can’t shake.

My recent desire for Self Care  was set on the back burner by my Father in law’s illness and death. It’s also caused me to miss out on social activities and I feel so disconnected from everything, but mostly I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel like, along with my desires,  I’ve put my whole self on the back burner, and while this may have felt normal prior to Dday- to be on the bottom of the list of priorities, now I feel unsettled by it.

Maybe that’s why that statement resonated  with me so much during these last few days since I’ve read it. Looking at my life,  I feel like I’m merely existing. Nothing especially has me excited.  I feel more saddened by my life. I find myself wondering about the what ifs.

i try and remind myself that the garden is greener where it’s watered and right now watering my marriage doesn’t seem as vital as just watering myself.

i need to thrive.  Surviving is amazing and I will never under value it. I know how hard I fought to get out of bed in those early days, to care for my two young children but now I need more. I need to get out of survival mode and feel good about me and my life. I’m going to work on figuring out how I can thrive because right now I’m just feeling depleted and sad.