Unwanted

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and even though I asked specifically to never now her actual birthday  I found out anyway.

Its just a few days after mine and while the affair was going on she was out of the country for her birthday. I know that he missed her and that while he was with me he was thinking about her and missing her. He didn’t want to be with me or celebrate me. We went out to dinner with our kids but his mind was on her and I feel so hurt by it all. All that’s going through my mind is that I was unwanted.

im supposed to be getting groceries right now but instead I’m sitting in my car crying over this. I hate it.

its such an awful feeling to know that someone you love was just tolerating you while being consumed with feelings for someone else. It’s such a deep pain. It slices straight through to your bones.

Grief

My father in law passed away late  last week and this week we had his funeral and burial. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been one of the most difficult months since Dday- and because I use Dday as a defining event in my life, I quickly realized that my father in law’s burial took place exactly 19 months after D- day.

I hope to write more about all this later but right now I’m just frustrated over how I can’t even grieve his death properly because ALWAYS, ALWAYS there is the stupid affair!

I think I’ve done a good job being there for my husband. But I have struggled with so many things privately though. I have shared some of it here on the blog — but shit, there is no shortage of awful reminders about the worst time of my life!

I hate this situation and all the pain it still causes. There are reminders everywhere to bring my grief back up.  I needed to get some foundation and went to Sephora- walking through it though, all I could think about was that my fucking husband had been in this very same fucking store buying fucking perfume for the fuking whore. This was the mall he had done all his holiday shopping for her – store after store – and then came home and lied to me right in my face!  I can’t even go home to see family without being reminded of how little he thought about me and how little he loved me.

Watching tv is such a trigger at times too.  We were watching Family Fued this week and one of the questions was – where would people who work together go to have sex. So of course I immediately think of my husband and his whore and I hate this. I hate it.

I’ve gotten so much better at talking myself away from me the edge of this cliff and of listening to my husband when he tries to talk me away from it too but I  hate how often I still find myself teetering at the edge of it. I didn’t ask for any of this but I suffer so much because of it.  He suffers because no matter how much he does- he can never make it right! And it’s true. He was a fucking sleezebag asshole and every fucking reminder feels like the affair is being rubbed in my face again and again and I hate it.

All I want from this time is to grieve my father in law. But I can’t even do that! One of the things that my husband told the whore is that maybe they could be together when his parents die. Apparently he knew they wouldn’t be welcoming a whore with open arms and though my head and heart knows he loves me there is still a fear. A persistent, nagging voice that reminds me of these words he said to her and it breaks my heart!

Fucking edge!!! God please help me from falling in!

 

 

 

Trauma

I thought telling my husband everything would help and it did to an extent but this pain is so deep and there are so many facets to it.

Im so exhausted. We have been here since Friday night. My FIL is dying and we’re just waiting for it to happen and though my faith tells me he will be going to better place and that his soul will be free from this body that has kept him shackled for so long  i am still so heartbroken. I imagine the emptiness we will feel once he is gone. The empty rooms, the empty chairs that he favored, the man missing who shared stories with us that he had read or heard on the news or called us into his room to hear a song or a sermon.

But before the emptiness can be felt we have to watch him become more and more weak. He’s barely awake.  In some of the moments when he’s been responsive, he’s indicated that he’s hungry but he can’t swallow anymore and so they take small sponges on a stick and place it in ice water and then into his mouth and let him suck on it. That is all he has the strength and awareness to do now and it’s incredibly hard to see.

We surround his bed when he opens his eyes – it’s like he’s giving us a gift when he finally opens up those eyes. We know how difficult it is for him to just do that, and we want to fill them up with images of family and friends. We want to tell him he’s home, we have him, we’ll take care of him and we love him.

its good to have him home. It’s what he wanted but caring for him is overwhelming. It took his wife and two kids to change his diaper last night. My husband and I talked about it last night before we went to bed. I wondered if my FIL had been aware when they had changed him? I knew how my dad struggled with us, his wife- but especially his children, changing his diaper. My husband said that he thought his dad was aware. He had opened his eyes when he they told him they were going to change him and had  looked at them for a moment before closing them again.

My husband and I slept separately last night. He wanted to be close by his dad so while his mom slept on a couch by the hospital bed- refusing to be any further away from her husband, he slept in a bedroom downstairs. The kids and I slept upstairs. They’re too scared to sleep on a separate level without us and so I slept with them.

And as I lay in bed- another memory came to mind. My dad’s first day home. It was a Thursday when he came home. The next day, Friday, I told my siblings I would stay the night with my parents into Sunday . My little niece was told to stay upstairs because she had gotten the stomach bug a few days earlier and the last thing we wanted was for my dad to get it. My siblings and nieces went home in Friday evening. My mom slept on the couch by my dad’s hospital bed and I slept in the bedroom downstairs.

In the middle of the night I heard my mom throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug.  I remember her not letting me clean up because she didn’t want me to catch it. I remember listening to her throwing up through the night. I remember changing my dad’s diapers on my own that night. I remember how angry he was that i was changing his diaper. I remember the next day my  mom helping me change him  even though she was still so weak because it was too much for me to do on my own.

I was so overwhelmed that first weekend that my dad came home. My husband couldn’t come but my Inlaws were kind enough to have my children stay with them. I don’t know if was during this first night or the following Saturday but I was so overwhelmed by everything and so I was using my phone. I ended up looking at our credit card statements and there was a charge for movie tickets and another charge from the movie theater itself. I remember calling my husband right away. He was sleepy but I asked him if he had gone to the movies with someone. I couldn’t imagine him doing that. He said no- I told him about the charges. He told me he would look into it and call me back.

He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he called our credit card company. That it looked like someone had gotten our credit card number and used it on the Fandango site to purchase tickets. When I asked about the use at the movie theater itself he said he didn’t know -that this is what the credit card company had told him and they would be sending out new cards.

I of course believed him. I mean new cards are coming soon, right? No- silly, naive, trusting Kaye they are not!  It was just another lie slipping quickly and easily from his mouth. But of course i wanted to believe him, the alternative would be accepting all those feelings I had when I first saw the charge. The pit in my stomach. The nervousness. The feeling that something wasn’t right.  So i believed him.

But last night that memory came back up and I felt all those feelings once again and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as quietly as I could so my children wouldn’t  hear me. I cried for how overwhelmed I was at the time but also for how alone I was and how I didn’t even know it.  How abandoned I was by my husband. I was taking care of my dad and he was out on a movie date with her. Eating snacks, making out, and it all fucking hurts so bad.

God help me. I can’t get through any of this without you.

 

 

Hate

I can’t remember when I last felt like I needed to blog so much. Last night was hard – my father in law is coming home soon on hospice care. He’s too weak and he didn’t want any tubes or ventilator so this is the only option left. It’s heartbreaking- I just saw him two days before he was brought to the hospital, and now he just wants to come home to die.

We needed to get his home ready for him. I helped clean and get things ready, but it was hard not to think about how my husband didn’t do anything to help set up my parents home when my dad was  coming home.  And once one thought starts its hard not to go spiraling down the devil’s trail of torture.

The top notch detective I became post Dday came back to bite me in the ass. I recalled seeing the details of the trip my husband and the ap were going to take to her home country. The search for matching bathing suits, the places they were going sightseeing and on and on it went. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I went to sleep last night. My husband laying beside me feeling wretched and helpless.

For the last two weeks, I thought I had been dealing with everything well, but I must have just been barely holding on. My FIL being sick, the sadness of how absent and selfish my husband had been when it was my dad who was sick, my dad still being so sick- it’s been building up but all it took was yesterdays stupid comment from my SIL to send me crashing down.

i cried for all this last night but what I cried the most about was how trusting I had been. I could still see me looking at the calendar with my husband,  talking about what weekends I could go home to help my parents and him telling me that one weekend he had to work and the next weekend he’d be away for his conference. The conference, actually being a cover for his trip. He even lied and told me it was in Miami when he wasn’t even going to be in the country. I just stood there listening, trusting, not for one moment even thinking that my husband was lying right to my face.

That’s what hurts the most- it would be one thing if he wasn’t as helpful as he could have been when I needed him, but the fact that he was willfully choosing to hurt me and manipulative my trust for his selfish benefit – kills me. I needed him and he was going to be with another woman in matching swimsuits, renting a boat, laying in a beach, and doing more shitty things! I hate that asshole and sometimes it’s so fucking hard to forgive him for being that selfish prick.  It’s hard when I feel like this to acknowledge the work he’s done and the man he is now – I need this space to vent. I need it to hate that loser husband I had so that I don’t end up hating this great one.

Emotions

One of the most difficult things I’m learning about recovering from my husband’s affair and dealing with his addiction is how necessary it is to separate my emotions from it. Emotions are not fact and if I don’t get a handle on them quickly they will spin me in a million, painful directions. There is still so much hurt and anger bubbling inside of me from the affair, that when my husband does anything at all that brings it to mind, I loose it. I convince myself that my pain is meaningless to him.  I convince myself that he doesn’t care about our family. I convince myself that he enjoyed the affair and misses it. None of those things are good and I will lash out at my husband from a place of deep pain when I feel those things. When that happens, both of us feel like it’s Dday all over again. The hurt and pain are unbearable for me and the guilt and shame unbearable for him.

This is how I found myself feeling this past Sunday. Tears were constantly falling, or my eyes were hurting as I tried hard not to let them fall because I was with my children. When I talked to my husband it soon became screaming and cursing and barely contained rage. It’s like my own mind had   turned on me, and was now dredging up every possible painful memory from the affair. The very sight of my husband would sicken me and I found  myself thinking all sorts of awful things about him. The word hate would spin through my mind over and over again.

Today, thankfully, my mind remembered that it’s actually sane and got off the insanity lane that it had been speeding down uncontrollably on. My mind slowed down and took some deep breaths and pushed away the feelings with facts. The fact is that my husband did an awful, heartbreaking thing when he chose to start an affair but he regrets it deeply and has worked hard to undo it. The fact is that he has ingrained awful coping habits of pornography and masturbation to deal with a host of uncomfortable feelings, and  it will take time and so much hard work to learn to undo those habits- but he is working hard to that. He is working hard to be honest and transparent, when lying was so easy before. He regrets the affair. He hates the devastation he has caused.  He isn’t proud of it and derives no joy from it. He works hard to make me feel safe to show my kids and I that he loves us and to show my parents and siblings and their families as well because he knows that is important to me. What he wants more than anything is to feel accepted, loved and known- and he’s still very scared that he wont be, but he’s hoping to get there.  Those are the facts and the emotions that come with the facts are good, honest, and true.

So today I’m working hard to live here and to be anchored in the truth instead of getting swept up by the false feelings. Those feelings were nessecary  and justified on Dday and for a long time after, but they don’t belong here now. This is a difficult journey -but him and I are going to walk throug this together in faith and love and truth.

todays day of post affair heartbreak brought to you by Instagram!

Good old social media- I can count on it to upset my day.

It’s already been a hard day for me.  I had a huge trigger from the affair this morning and I’m so angry and hurt by all this pain that I don’t even want to talk to my husband today!   So this day really already sucked!

Months earlier, I had gotten rid of the Instagram app on my phone and had deactivated my fb page.  I found that I was constantly on n.e.’s profile on both sites, and it wasn’t healthy! Recently though, I figured enough time had passed and perhaps I could at least go back to using Instagram. I downloaded the app once again onto my phone. I wasn’t concerned at all  about it upsetting me, because I had no intention of looking up n.e’s profile.  Instagram, though, had other ideas it seems! I was using the search tab on the ig app this evening, and maybe it ‘s because I had searched n.e.’s page so often after Dday, but no sooner had I typed in the letter N to search someone else,  than  boom – n.e’s profile pops up.

And what do I get to see, but a picture of her standing beside her husband and children, and she’s pregnant!!! Her recent ig pictures show her having a beautiful baby shower. She looks happy, and as much as I hate typing it, she also looks very pretty with that pregnancy glow and shockingly she’s dressed  nice and not at all like her usual skank self!

So 18 months later I’m standing in my bathroom with tears falling from my eyes, trying to compose myself before my children see me, all because of her and my husband’s selfishness and slutiness. Meanwhile, shes being celebrated and fussed over at her shower by her husband  who she cheated on!!! I know it’s only because he’s doesn’t know about the affair, but I hate that her life seems to be thriving while mine has been devastated so much by her!

so I went from feeling shitty to even shittier today! Thanks Instagram!

 

The worst of it

im going to start referring to the ow as ne- even though she is a whore  I’m trying to remember that she’s also a human being and I really don’t want to go through the rest of my life hating her

My DDay is a few weeks away. When all this came to light and the sorrow was so debilitating – I couldn’t wait to get to the one year mark because I knew it had to be less painful and it is in some regards but it’s also harder in other ways. This time last year is so much fresh in my mind – last week I found myself wondering had my husband planned his trip with ne by this time last year?  Had he already called to make reservations for valentines Day? Had he thought about when he would go and buy the gifts she wanted? It’s a sad fucking place for a wife’s mind to have to go. There I am in the kitchen making dinner for my husband and kids wondering about these things and as usual the tears come because the sorrow is still so deep.

Knowing so many details about that time sucks.

When I heard my husband on the phone with ne on Dday – I lost it. I screamed. My young kids were in bed and they were so scared but I couldn’t stop yelling. I had snatched my husband’s phone, I demanded his passcode and started looking through it. The emails told me the worst of it. In the meantime I sent him to comfort our kids- he told them I had a bad dream and then proceeded to close their room door.

Both of of our kids were scared of the dark, even with a nightlight, so we kept their doors open and the hall light on for them. My husband, being a fucking asshole at the time, could care less about that. He’s more worried about getting back to me, so he can get his phone and try to delete shit. Knowing my babies were scared shitless in the dark, listening to me yell, kills me. It was probably 30 minutes later that I said I need to go check on the kids and I went up and talked to them and tried to console them.

the shit that my babies went through- the screaming and violence they saw between us is awful. The number of times I broke down sobbing – how do you process your mom falling apart- especially when you’re so young? Here we are – were suppossed to be making their world feel safe and secure and we’re a mess.

My husband trotted ne around so many places and each of those places became a fucking trigger. We would be driving in the car and I would lose it. It’s never a good idea to lose your shit in a moving car, especially  when your kids are in it.

I never gave thought to how I would respond if my husband cheated- it wasn’t even a possibility in my mind.  But even if I had, I would have never predicted the rage.The beast in me was out and wasn’t going away for a while.

I held onto his phone. I called ne back but ne’s an idiot and thinks everyone else is too – she tried to act like she didn’t know who my husband was. She knew her cash cow was about to be slaughtered and she was trying her best to stop it.

Sorry ne- if you want more than a job a 15 year old could do and a higher pay grade maybe you should have opened up some books in school instead of just your legs! Or, here’s another thought -maybe live within your means- there’s nothing wrong with living modestly – it’s how my husband and I lived for a very long time when that’s all our income allowed for. But hey- here’s your consolation prize, once he did start making money- you’re the one he chose to spoil. Sure, you pretty much demanded it, because you’re a whore and a whore needs to be paid right? But still you got shit that you had no right to.  You had no claims on MY husband! Made none of the sacrifices my children and I made.

Once the truth came out, I spoke to one of my husband’s business partners- he had been there for a couple of years. He knew ne well. He said she was always fishing for a sugar daddy- my husband, though was one of the stupid ones who took the bait. He thought he was special but to everyone else at work – he was just a joke. A fool getting used! They all felt sorry for  him- not me, not yet. All I felt was anger- so much anger!

My rage was so consuming and it was directed for the most part at my husband. I hit. I slapped and punched. I threw things. One day I threw a 3lb weight at him. He screamed, fell to the floor and started writhing in pain. I looked at my husband – there in obvious pain by my hand and my only response was to- say “good asshole- that’s where you belong” and to walk out of the room. The next day I could barely look him in the eye I was so ashamed.

The nights were awful. I knew a lot of details and asked for more. I found her online and hated her. I could imagine them together- see it in my mind and I had no idea how to make it stop. Suddenly I was comparing myself to her constantly and wondering how I fell short. What was her appeal? There had to be something if he had chosen her over me?!

One night the images wouldn’t stop. The fact that he started the affair around our daughter’s birthday was another betrayal. I was busy planning her first birthday in our new home. He was busy being a dick. All of it got the worst of me. I was up -cursing at him- calling him a piece of shit and an asshole. I told him he was fucked up!  A fucked up husband and father! I started hitting him. It went on for a few minutes, and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. I couldn’t move under his weight and his hands were against my throat chocking me. I was shocked. I kept waiting for him to stop and when I finally realized he wasn’t going to I said- I can’t breathe. Suddenly he jumped up off me and ran out of the room.

I laid in bed for a few more minutes trying to absorb the shock of what just happened.  How dare he! He had no right to hurt me any more! He had no right to lose it! I wasn’t the one who had had an affair – I wasn’t the one who betrayed our marriage, our family, our home- the very fucking bedroom I was lying in.   He was! I was the one who had to deal with all that shit and now this!

i got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I saw the scratches and bruises on my face. Fuck him I thought! Fuck this! This wasn’t a marriage- what the fuck was this – adultery, domestic violence! Who the fuck was I now married to.

i took pictures of the marks on my face and one on my thigh that i had gotten the night before. I was yelling at him. He started hitting himself and when I tried to stop him he pushed me away and I hit the nightstand in the bedroom.

I then got ready, got dressed and went downstairs. My husband of course was fast asleep – why lose sleep over assaulting the wife you betrayed?

I got into my car and drove to the police station. I was inside my head the whole time- telling myself why I needed to do this. When I got there though I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I eventually called a couple who we were mutual friends with-who knew everything that was going on in our marriage.  it was about 6 in the morning. They didn’t answer their cell phones right away but a few minutes later the husband called me back. I told him what had happened and where I was. The husband talked me out of going to the police and then called my husband and told him he needed to leave the house.

there would be more violence between us two but that was the worst of it- those at least were hidden from our children. There would be others that wasn’t. Hearing your kids say they’re scared. That they think they’re going to die. That they just want to be normal and do normal things again. Its awful – especially when it’s all because of things you and your spouse have done.

The affair is painful enough but the lies, the betrayal- remembering all the ways I had been a good wife while he was with her. It’s demeaning and humiliating. I was sending texts, pictures, videos – so he wouldn’t miss out or miss us. What a fool I was- he was more than happy to pretend we didn’t exist. This was thrilling, new and exciting. It made him feel so good. How could the children and I compare to that? NO- he was the absolute fool! Because when he could have been with his family- who loved him, he chose instead a woman who is vile, greedy and self serving. She only wanted him for his money. And when she didn’t feel like she got enough she let all her fucked up shit show and she was seriously fucked up.

But he could forget all that and move past her fucking craziness and moral failures because he was a moral failure now.  He could leave us, lie to us, go away and fuck her and bring home his crap for me to unpack, wash and put away. He could scream at our kids and put them to bed in tears over and over again because all he cared about was getting back to his phone and texting her. When I would come up to see why our kids were so upset he would say- then you put them to bed, and I would.

He would go whole days even when he was home either not seeing our children or barely seeing them because he was out with her and wouldn’t get home till they were in bed. So the first time he tried to discipline our children post affair- I lost it! Months later when he told me that I wasn’t letting him be a dad by stepping in and siding with our son when he didn’t like the way our son was behaving, I didn’t care. You don’t get to pick and choose when you get to be a father.

The triggers were something I just could not deal with at all early on. I would find things from their time together and it would destroy me. One of those times- about 3 months into D- day it became too much. The pain of the affair, coupled with his complete lack of empathy for the pain HE caused became unbearable. I wanted relief from all the emotional hurt I was feeling and I took a knife one night and started cutting my inner arms.  Even as I was doing it I knew it was crazy but it didn’t matter- the only thing that mattered was feeling something else more strongly than the emotional anguish that was non stop. It was a low moment. Seeing the marks on my arms and knowing it was self inflicted just felt like me betraying myself. I knew how much I was hurting and too add more pain on top of that is just wrong.

When  I wasn’t assaulting my husband I was assaulting myself. Slapping my face repeatedly for being a fool, for trusting, for not fucking seeing it! I hated myself for being so stupid. I hated that I had married this man and this was the life that my kids and I were now living.

it was some bad fucking times.

Go ahead idiots, have your affairs!  Tell yourself  you deserve it, need it, that you’re missing out- whatever! Convince yourself no one will find out, and best of all tell yourself- you’re not hurting anyone! Of course you’re not!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frustrating

Ever since I found out about my husband’s affair it had consumed my thoughts. For nearly a year now, his affair is what my mind has been mostly fixated upon.  So it grates me to no end that still there will be new thoughts and questions that pop up.

Early on after discovery I would have thought by this point I would have covered everything but when your husband has a whole secret life, the treachery of it is far reaching. Every thing is now suspect. Every exchange, every gesture, every single thing that I recall from that time is now clouded in doubt.

I hate it. I hate the not knowing. I hate having to practice restraint, and not call him up immediately to clear yet another uncertainty  for me- was this particular thing discussed with her? Was it influenced by her?

Most of the time my husband doesn’t even recall whatever it is that I’m asking about. Its frustrating,  and I have to make do with general statements about specific questions I have. – “no I didn’t get the idea of buying that gift from whore. I don’t even recall mentioning I’d get that gift for N but I never discussed what gifts to get for family members with whore. We only talked about the stuff we got each other”!

Oh well that’s good- when you thought about getting a gift for family at least you came to that decision on your own. Of course you never actually went out and purchased that gift for family though. But at least occasionally our family mattered to you and we made it into your thoughts!

The entire time you and whore were being whores you mainly purchased gifts only for her- a means to an end is how you justify it. She wanted stuff and you wanted sex. You’re both so gross!!! The stuff you two did to make your relationship actually seem like it had any meaning or value is just pathetic.

What issad though is the first time you went away with her for a weekend you actually came back with souvenirs for our children. There you are pretending like you’re not someone else’s husband and not a father but when you’re exploring the little town with her you see things that you know our kids would like and decide to get them and she does the same for her kids- what a pair of sick assholes you are!!! I hate that you could be so fucked up. It’s so disqusting- handing over those gifts – making our family believe you genuinely loved us when- what you had actually been doing, was betraying us completely.

But I’m glad that when you saw their joy and delight you felt good about yourself!!  Really!!! I still can’t believe that’s how you felt?! No guilt or shame at all!! But thats  all that really mattered to you right? That you feel good and that the rest of us buy the image you’re putting out!!! Meanwhile your soul was rotting away!

How were you so lost? So able to live so completly in such a twisted way? How?!