Today

I’m still stuck in this dowanward cycle. Despite a strong desire to communicate with my husband I still remain closed off, never engaging more than necessary.

I still feel this pressing sadness and cry when I’m alone. I feel anger that despite a  strong warning years earlier that showed him how hurtful and costly his addiction to porn, Craigslist and chat rooms were he didn’t stay the course but instead took the actions to initiate an affair that has caused me more pain than I ever knew existed.

I’m angry at the lies during the affair and the lies after. That even though I told him he was to tell me if  the ow contacted him again. He didn’t- first choosing to listen to a family member over what I stated. Then months later, when she confronted him again- he hid that from everyone and then decided the best way to handle the matter was to iniate friendly contact with her  again. I hate his actions and his stupidity. His easy ability to be duplicitous even months after the affair was discovered, despite seeing the agony of hurt and destruction he has caused. 

This is where I am today

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Fuck it’s almost October!

I have not been doing well this week. Let’s count all the reasons why I hate that it’s almost October

#1- a whore was born

#2 my husband brought the whore  to our home for a second time but this time he fucked her in our bedroom. Oh yeah, and  he did this while I was at my parents house with the kids because my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed!

#3 there are signs all over our fucking town about an annual Halloween event he took the whore to! I was home alone with our kids while he was out on a fucking date!

That’s enough reasons to hate my fucking husband and hate October. There’s so little I can do that doesn’t remind me of the fucking affair!

Grief

My father in law passed away late  last week and this week we had his funeral and burial. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been one of the most difficult months since Dday- and because I use Dday as a defining event in my life, I quickly realized that my father in law’s burial took place exactly 19 months after D- day.

I hope to write more about all this later but right now I’m just frustrated over how I can’t even grieve his death properly because ALWAYS, ALWAYS there is the stupid affair!

I think I’ve done a good job being there for my husband. But I have struggled with so many things privately though. I have shared some of it here on the blog — but shit, there is no shortage of awful reminders about the worst time of my life!

I hate this situation and all the pain it still causes. There are reminders everywhere to bring my grief back up.  I needed to get some foundation and went to Sephora- walking through it though, all I could think about was that my fucking husband had been in this very same fucking store buying fucking perfume for the fuking whore. This was the mall he had done all his holiday shopping for her – store after store – and then came home and lied to me right in my face!  I can’t even go home to see family without being reminded of how little he thought about me and how little he loved me.

Watching tv is such a trigger at times too.  We were watching Family Fued this week and one of the questions was – where would people who work together go to have sex. So of course I immediately think of my husband and his whore and I hate this. I hate it.

I’ve gotten so much better at talking myself away from me the edge of this cliff and of listening to my husband when he tries to talk me away from it too but I  hate how often I still find myself teetering at the edge of it. I didn’t ask for any of this but I suffer so much because of it.  He suffers because no matter how much he does- he can never make it right! And it’s true. He was a fucking sleezebag asshole and every fucking reminder feels like the affair is being rubbed in my face again and again and I hate it.

All I want from this time is to grieve my father in law. But I can’t even do that! One of the things that my husband told the whore is that maybe they could be together when his parents die. Apparently he knew they wouldn’t be welcoming a whore with open arms and though my head and heart knows he loves me there is still a fear. A persistent, nagging voice that reminds me of these words he said to her and it breaks my heart!

Fucking edge!!! God please help me from falling in!

 

 

 

Trauma

I thought telling my husband everything would help and it did to an extent but this pain is so deep and there are so many facets to it.

Im so exhausted. We have been here since Friday night. My FIL is dying and we’re just waiting for it to happen and though my faith tells me he will be going to better place and that his soul will be free from this body that has kept him shackled for so long  i am still so heartbroken. I imagine the emptiness we will feel once he is gone. The empty rooms, the empty chairs that he favored, the man missing who shared stories with us that he had read or heard on the news or called us into his room to hear a song or a sermon.

But before the emptiness can be felt we have to watch him become more and more weak. He’s barely awake.  In some of the moments when he’s been responsive, he’s indicated that he’s hungry but he can’t swallow anymore and so they take small sponges on a stick and place it in ice water and then into his mouth and let him suck on it. That is all he has the strength and awareness to do now and it’s incredibly hard to see.

We surround his bed when he opens his eyes – it’s like he’s giving us a gift when he finally opens up those eyes. We know how difficult it is for him to just do that, and we want to fill them up with images of family and friends. We want to tell him he’s home, we have him, we’ll take care of him and we love him.

its good to have him home. It’s what he wanted but caring for him is overwhelming. It took his wife and two kids to change his diaper last night. My husband and I talked about it last night before we went to bed. I wondered if my FIL had been aware when they had changed him? I knew how my dad struggled with us, his wife- but especially his children, changing his diaper. My husband said that he thought his dad was aware. He had opened his eyes when he they told him they were going to change him and had  looked at them for a moment before closing them again.

My husband and I slept separately last night. He wanted to be close by his dad so while his mom slept on a couch by the hospital bed- refusing to be any further away from her husband, he slept in a bedroom downstairs. The kids and I slept upstairs. They’re too scared to sleep on a separate level without us and so I slept with them.

And as I lay in bed- another memory came to mind. My dad’s first day home. It was a Thursday when he came home. The next day, Friday, I told my siblings I would stay the night with my parents into Sunday . My little niece was told to stay upstairs because she had gotten the stomach bug a few days earlier and the last thing we wanted was for my dad to get it. My siblings and nieces went home in Friday evening. My mom slept on the couch by my dad’s hospital bed and I slept in the bedroom downstairs.

In the middle of the night I heard my mom throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug.  I remember her not letting me clean up because she didn’t want me to catch it. I remember listening to her throwing up through the night. I remember changing my dad’s diapers on my own that night. I remember how angry he was that i was changing his diaper. I remember the next day my  mom helping me change him  even though she was still so weak because it was too much for me to do on my own.

I was so overwhelmed that first weekend that my dad came home. My husband couldn’t come but my Inlaws were kind enough to have my children stay with them. I don’t know if was during this first night or the following Saturday but I was so overwhelmed by everything and so I was using my phone. I ended up looking at our credit card statements and there was a charge for movie tickets and another charge from the movie theater itself. I remember calling my husband right away. He was sleepy but I asked him if he had gone to the movies with someone. I couldn’t imagine him doing that. He said no- I told him about the charges. He told me he would look into it and call me back.

He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he called our credit card company. That it looked like someone had gotten our credit card number and used it on the Fandango site to purchase tickets. When I asked about the use at the movie theater itself he said he didn’t know -that this is what the credit card company had told him and they would be sending out new cards.

I of course believed him. I mean new cards are coming soon, right? No- silly, naive, trusting Kaye they are not!  It was just another lie slipping quickly and easily from his mouth. But of course i wanted to believe him, the alternative would be accepting all those feelings I had when I first saw the charge. The pit in my stomach. The nervousness. The feeling that something wasn’t right.  So i believed him.

But last night that memory came back up and I felt all those feelings once again and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as quietly as I could so my children wouldn’t  hear me. I cried for how overwhelmed I was at the time but also for how alone I was and how I didn’t even know it.  How abandoned I was by my husband. I was taking care of my dad and he was out on a movie date with her. Eating snacks, making out, and it all fucking hurts so bad.

God help me. I can’t get through any of this without you.

 

 

Sad Truth

The affair is only a constant in my mind now. That’s the reality that I have to accept- it sucks and it’s so fucking hard.  My FIL’s condition is declining. When he was first admitted to the hospital my sister in law and her family were away. I asked my husband where they went  and he initially responded that he didn’t know and then quickly said “no that’s not true, I do know but I didn’t want to tell you because it’s a trigger.” I appreciated him not telling me but then my FIL was admitted to the hospital.

I went to visit him the next day at the hospital. I stayed with my MIL for four hours, during that time she told me where my husband’s sister had gone for vacation. My MIL isn’t aware that the place is a trigger for me. The AP is from this place and my husband had a trip planned with her to visit it. They never went on the trip because I found out about the affair a few weeks earlier.

A few friends and family members came to visit my FIL at the hospital.  They each wanted to know where my husband and his sister were. His mom explained that my husband was at work and his sister and her family were on vacation. Of course their very next question was where did they go on vacation? So I had to hear the place  over and over again.

My sister in law is aware of the details of the affair. I don’t know if she recalls them though. Today when we got to the hospital My SIL was there with a friend and her cousin. My husband had to use the restroom and while he was gone my SIL’s friend commented that my SIL’s tan was fading.   My sister in law then started joking that her husband said he came home with a ( AP’s country name) girl because of her tan and how it was a good thing, because he has a thing for those type of girls. I was listening to all this and felt like shit. I mean the AP is from there and my husband was going to get on a plane and go with her on this tropical getaway if I hadn’t discovered his affair, and now I need to hear my sister in law talk about how her husband has a thing for girls from that country!! Seriously fuck them all!!

I wished my husband was there to get them to change the subject. I could actually feel the sadness settling over my face and tried to keep my eyes fixed on my FIL so that if anyone noticed, they would think my sadness was only because of him. I honestly don’t think my sister in law was aware of how much her worlds were hurting me. As far she’s concerned her brother and I are fine and all the stupid details about the affair aren’t cemented into her brain like they are in mine.  It just sucks to be me, 19 months out and a trigger can still feel like a bucket of ice being thrown onto my heart.

My husband came back. He could tell that something upset me. He asked if it was a trigger and guessed that it was about his sister’s trip- they apparently have talked about it a lot. I get it- they had a good time and they should be able to talk about it. It’s not their fault that the place they went to causes me physical pain.

My husband provided me an excuse to leave the hospital  and I jumped at the chance to get away from any more  mention of their trip. As I was driving, I thought about how this is my sad truth- that these triggers are my own. No one else, who is aware of the affair, will know these triggers or experience them like I do.  It’s shitty and unfair and I hate that so many fucking things have to keep breaking my heart!

on a happier note. I got my workouts in today. Other people may unknowingly break my heart or in my husband’s case- knowingly break it two years ago, but I will take care of  my heart. I’ll be okay. Right now I’m not. I’m hurt and sad, but I will be okay.

 

stuck

One of the hardest parts about catching my husband looking at porn last week and listening to him lie about it initially is that it pushes us so far back in our recovery.  I still struggle with triggers and have to execute all sorts of mental gymnastics not to get hung up on all the despicable, selfish things he has done. The night I caught him,  I was screaming at him and telling him how hard I fight for him. I went through the week and day by day I went over all the triggers I experienced and fight through for him and our family!

I told him how I pushed past the hurt at my son’s picnic, trying not to think about how two years earlier, when my daughter had the same teacher and we were at the same picnic, that he had been having an affair! How I could still picture us- all four sitting together, eating the lunch I had packed,  laughing and having fun, and the whole time he had been cheating on us. I told him how hard it was, when we broke into little groups to do activities, to realize that we were in the same group as one of my son’s classmates, who has the same first name as the other woman.  Ughhhh!!!

when we went to the state  park , I  told him how my stomach hurt when I looked up just as we were passing one of the other locations, for a restaurant he took her out to. Seeing the name of that restaurant made me feel so sick- but I pushed it aside for us to move forward.

Even the store where we brought our daughter her Kindle that evening had been difficult, because my husband had brought the ow something from there. I had not been inside that store for over a year but my husband said my daughter had wanted me there too when she got her Kindle.  He talked about creating new memories, so I took a deep breath and  went inside and worked hard to stay focused on my beautiful little girl and not what a sleeze bag my husband had been!

i went over a few more things that night trying desperately to make him get how hard this journey is. How riddled  it is with landmines that he had put down!  And now he has added more hurt, betrayal and lies. I find myself now not being able to to get unstuck from thoughts and being overwhelmed by them instead. I find myself thinking- what’s the point, really what’s the fucking point?

I know what the point- it’s three humans that I love desperately! More than anything else in this world, I love them. Im just so tired though. I’m so drained by my thoughts and fears. I want to move on but i feel shackled down. I have told my husband  over and over again through this process how much I just want to feel safe again.  And when I’m like this- it’s so easy to believe that the only way to be safe is to be detached from him.

i see him trying to pick himself up though. I see him trying to be there  even more for the kids because I’m not really there. Im fine when he’s not around but when he is- I check out. I don’t want to be around him. He keeps trying though. He keep trying and I keep seeing it. I will try again too. I just need to get these shackles loose.

Some  days are  still more difficult than others. Today was one of those days.  I struggled as I washed the dishes, thinking about her in my home. Later on, as I wiped down everything after dinner, I found myself wishing I had left the house a mess and the beds unmade the days she came over.  I wish my house had looked awful and unwelcoming.  I just hate knowing I had left my house looking nice because I didn’t want my husband to come home to a messy home while I was gone – of course I knew nothing about her, never knew he’d bring a whore here. It hurts me so badly.

Meanwhile, when I found out about the affair and had my husband leave the house, I could barely do anything to take care of the house- it was a disaster. My kids and I came home to a mess every day because i couldn’t do anything more once I got home than cry and take care of all our most basic needs.  My home was perfect for her, when she came crawling in like a cockroach, knowing my children and I were away and an absolute disaster for us – the ones that were meant to feel most comfortable and safe here.

i struggle with taking my children to the library because  it’s the same way he drove to bring her here. I struggle with scheduling to have my brakes taken car of,  because the last time I had to take my car in to be serviced it took hours.  I don’t want my husband to come and pick me up because that would mean driving back in his car.  I don’t want to be in it, because she was in there. I want to be as far removed from her and their affair as I can be.

i hate how how much I still hate her. I hate how heartbroken I am. I hate that on days when it is still hard- it’s really hard! That when I’m all alone and I can finally think about how I feel, it leaves me sobbing.

i m just grateful to have a place to cry it all out. To write about what a muck my life still feels like at times.

Sometimes, when I’m showering and I think about everything that has happened, I’ll start to cry and then I’ll hug myself because it is such a deep, deep violation – that’s what it still feels like at times, like I’ve been violated by my husband and this woman- I have been, and I still struggle with it.

These two people who have hurt me the most deeply in my life, one is my husband, and the other person- I don’t even know her.  I never even  knew she existed. How could the person I thought I knew most in the world and a person I never even met be okay with hurting me so much?