Today

I’m still stuck in this dowanward cycle. Despite a strong desire to communicate with my husband I still remain closed off, never engaging more than necessary.

I still feel this pressing sadness and cry when I’m alone. I feel anger that despite a  strong warning years earlier that showed him how hurtful and costly his addiction to porn, Craigslist and chat rooms were he didn’t stay the course but instead took the actions to initiate an affair that has caused me more pain than I ever knew existed.

I’m angry at the lies during the affair and the lies after. That even though I told him he was to tell me if  the ow contacted him again. He didn’t- first choosing to listen to a family member over what I stated. Then months later, when she confronted him again- he hid that from everyone and then decided the best way to handle the matter was to iniate friendly contact with her  again. I hate his actions and his stupidity. His easy ability to be duplicitous even months after the affair was discovered, despite seeing the agony of hurt and destruction he has caused. 

This is where I am today

More shit, different day!

After Dday I demanded access to all of my husband’s emails – including his work email.

Today I checked it and there was an email from one of his partners inquiring if their office would be okay with taking on interns from a certain college. They recently hired a new partner in the last year from out of state who wasn’t familiar with the college and he responded to the email asking where the college was located?

My husband sent a response saying he had no problems with the internship and then added that the college was located at xyz.  Xyz- happens to be where my husband’s whore lives. I saw that he had typed the name of her town and I lost it.

I sent him a series of texts saying I hate xyz  because of her! I also hate that he doesn’t get it! That in case he hadn’t noticed that I’ve been struggling enough this month with triggers without him adding another one!

I said that besides the college they also have a fucking  whore living in xyz, but that he was already well aware of that. The kind of sick whore that needs to be fucked in hotels and resorts, and oh yeah, our fucking home.

He said he was sorry! I told him he needed to stop creating more reasons to be sorry. That he knows I check his email! That he doesn’t get to have an affair, violate our family and home and then conveniently forget all the details and just mention her town in an email that he knows I will see! Not when I’m still tortured by his fucking affair! I mean I need to listen to things throughout the night just to fall asleep!  I’ve barely spoken to at him at all this month because I’m so heartbroken over what he did!

He could have just said he was fine with the internship and let someone else comment on where it’s located!  I know it’s seems like a minor thing but it’s not for me! I  miss feeling safe and I wish he would do a better job of keeping me safe and I’m not going to act like it’s not bothering me when it  hurts and infuriates me! I’m so damn tired of all this crap! The never ending load of crap !

Buried

Every day this month I feel like I wake up wanting to try and like my husband but shortly after getting up I find myself still feeling cold and numb towards him.  It doesn’t help that the nights are so tough for me.  I’m still listening to podcasts. I’ve also downloaded audible and am currently listening to the book “A Man Called Ove” but last night the story became part of a nightmare involving the affair- why is escaping it so hard?  I’m trying, I hate thinking about it but the affair forces its way into my head anyway.

I know he’s not that same person but I’m still so hurt that he was ever willing to be that person who could violate me and our family so easily. And that’s exactly what he did -he violated me, our children, our families, our home. His willingness to do that not only hurts me but it also terrifies me.

I don’t like being married to someone who not only possessed a personality and character that I loathe, but also character and personality that I don’t even remotely recognize. How could he  become someone so completely different than the person I knew?  How could he give such unrestricted  access of our lives to a filthy, disgusting, cruel woman while hiding her complete existence  from me?  Why did he protect his life with her but not our lives with him?

The distance between us continues. I don’t like it but I don’t feel safe bridging it right now. I know it hurts him but I am no longer the wife that is willing to compromise herself and her emotions for him. He buried that wife 20 months ago.

?

Sleep continues to be an issue for me. After Dday, when I couldn’t sleep, I began to listen to archived sermons from the church we were attending as a way to quiet my mind from the incessant thoughts about the affair.  I found that while listening, the sound of a steady voice would eventually lull me to sleep.

So recently I began listening to podcasts in bed. Last night I listened to the Dear Sugar podcast series that discussed infidelity. I was in and out but they had Esther Perel on and something she said struck me. She was discussing rebuilding a marriage after an affair and how you need to figure out why the affair happened?   Why was one spouse able to dismiss and push aside the other? What assurance does the betrayed spouse have that she will not be hurt like this again?

The remark that struck me was that Esther said – when you love someone you hold a place for them in your mind, heart, within yourself. So the betraying spouse needs to figure out why he was so easily able to evict his spouse from his inner being?  Why when the opportunity for an affair came up didn’t the betraying spouse say I would love to do this but I’m not going to, it’s not worth it to me? Why wasn’t the space held for his spouse and children?

And it struck me because it hurts! Because despite this hurt and devastation I see that my children and I keep our space for him. We can’t evict him. Even when I hated him I loved him. Even when I wanted more than anything else to push him as far away from us as possible I couldn’t do it. I loved him. When he wasn’t here I worried about him, missed him. So why was it so easy, simple, thrilling and fun for him to leave us?  How could he not hold a place for our children and I, when it’s mpossible for us not to hold his place inside of us?

Thrive

i recently read something about different responses to betrayal  in the long run. The writer said you can choose to continue to feel like a victim of the betrayal, you can survive it or you can thrive.

Over the 19 months since Dday I have felt like I’m mostly just surviving. There will be times that I thrive, where I feel like I’m giving the affair a huge F YOU by how well I’m living out my life but those times seem short lived- quick burst of happiness that soon fizzle out.  The past four months especially, I’ve noticed that I’ve been in this weird phase where the affair is a weight on me that I can’t shake.

My recent desire for Self Care  was set on the back burner by my Father in law’s illness and death. It’s also caused me to miss out on social activities and I feel so disconnected from everything, but mostly I’m feeling disconnected from myself. I feel like, along with my desires,  I’ve put my whole self on the back burner, and while this may have felt normal prior to Dday- to be on the bottom of the list of priorities, now I feel unsettled by it.

Maybe that’s why that statement resonated  with me so much during these last few days since I’ve read it. Looking at my life,  I feel like I’m merely existing. Nothing especially has me excited.  I feel more saddened by my life. I find myself wondering about the what ifs.

i try and remind myself that the garden is greener where it’s watered and right now watering my marriage doesn’t seem as vital as just watering myself.

i need to thrive.  Surviving is amazing and I will never under value it. I know how hard I fought to get out of bed in those early days, to care for my two young children but now I need more. I need to get out of survival mode and feel good about me and my life. I’m going to work on figuring out how I can thrive because right now I’m just feeling depleted and sad.

Unwanted

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and even though I asked specifically to never now her actual birthday  I found out anyway.

Its just a few days after mine and while the affair was going on she was out of the country for her birthday. I know that he missed her and that while he was with me he was thinking about her and missing her. He didn’t want to be with me or celebrate me. We went out to dinner with our kids but his mind was on her and I feel so hurt by it all. All that’s going through my mind is that I was unwanted.

im supposed to be getting groceries right now but instead I’m sitting in my car crying over this. I hate it.

its such an awful feeling to know that someone you love was just tolerating you while being consumed with feelings for someone else. It’s such a deep pain. It slices straight through to your bones.

Trauma

I thought telling my husband everything would help and it did to an extent but this pain is so deep and there are so many facets to it.

Im so exhausted. We have been here since Friday night. My FIL is dying and we’re just waiting for it to happen and though my faith tells me he will be going to better place and that his soul will be free from this body that has kept him shackled for so long  i am still so heartbroken. I imagine the emptiness we will feel once he is gone. The empty rooms, the empty chairs that he favored, the man missing who shared stories with us that he had read or heard on the news or called us into his room to hear a song or a sermon.

But before the emptiness can be felt we have to watch him become more and more weak. He’s barely awake.  In some of the moments when he’s been responsive, he’s indicated that he’s hungry but he can’t swallow anymore and so they take small sponges on a stick and place it in ice water and then into his mouth and let him suck on it. That is all he has the strength and awareness to do now and it’s incredibly hard to see.

We surround his bed when he opens his eyes – it’s like he’s giving us a gift when he finally opens up those eyes. We know how difficult it is for him to just do that, and we want to fill them up with images of family and friends. We want to tell him he’s home, we have him, we’ll take care of him and we love him.

its good to have him home. It’s what he wanted but caring for him is overwhelming. It took his wife and two kids to change his diaper last night. My husband and I talked about it last night before we went to bed. I wondered if my FIL had been aware when they had changed him? I knew how my dad struggled with us, his wife- but especially his children, changing his diaper. My husband said that he thought his dad was aware. He had opened his eyes when he they told him they were going to change him and had  looked at them for a moment before closing them again.

My husband and I slept separately last night. He wanted to be close by his dad so while his mom slept on a couch by the hospital bed- refusing to be any further away from her husband, he slept in a bedroom downstairs. The kids and I slept upstairs. They’re too scared to sleep on a separate level without us and so I slept with them.

And as I lay in bed- another memory came to mind. My dad’s first day home. It was a Thursday when he came home. The next day, Friday, I told my siblings I would stay the night with my parents into Sunday . My little niece was told to stay upstairs because she had gotten the stomach bug a few days earlier and the last thing we wanted was for my dad to get it. My siblings and nieces went home in Friday evening. My mom slept on the couch by my dad’s hospital bed and I slept in the bedroom downstairs.

In the middle of the night I heard my mom throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug.  I remember her not letting me clean up because she didn’t want me to catch it. I remember listening to her throwing up through the night. I remember changing my dad’s diapers on my own that night. I remember how angry he was that i was changing his diaper. I remember the next day my  mom helping me change him  even though she was still so weak because it was too much for me to do on my own.

I was so overwhelmed that first weekend that my dad came home. My husband couldn’t come but my Inlaws were kind enough to have my children stay with them. I don’t know if was during this first night or the following Saturday but I was so overwhelmed by everything and so I was using my phone. I ended up looking at our credit card statements and there was a charge for movie tickets and another charge from the movie theater itself. I remember calling my husband right away. He was sleepy but I asked him if he had gone to the movies with someone. I couldn’t imagine him doing that. He said no- I told him about the charges. He told me he would look into it and call me back.

He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he called our credit card company. That it looked like someone had gotten our credit card number and used it on the Fandango site to purchase tickets. When I asked about the use at the movie theater itself he said he didn’t know -that this is what the credit card company had told him and they would be sending out new cards.

I of course believed him. I mean new cards are coming soon, right? No- silly, naive, trusting Kaye they are not!  It was just another lie slipping quickly and easily from his mouth. But of course i wanted to believe him, the alternative would be accepting all those feelings I had when I first saw the charge. The pit in my stomach. The nervousness. The feeling that something wasn’t right.  So i believed him.

But last night that memory came back up and I felt all those feelings once again and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as quietly as I could so my children wouldn’t  hear me. I cried for how overwhelmed I was at the time but also for how alone I was and how I didn’t even know it.  How abandoned I was by my husband. I was taking care of my dad and he was out on a movie date with her. Eating snacks, making out, and it all fucking hurts so bad.

God help me. I can’t get through any of this without you.