Sanity 

So 2017 hasn’t gotten off to the best start. It hasn’t been the worst…but it definitely hasn’t been the best either. I had high hopes that it would feel like a fresh start but the sadness I had been feeling post Christmas continued to linger on and I found myself not only feeling sad but once again feeling angry as well. Part of  this has to do with Dday approaching. Everything once again feels so raw. The other part of it has to do with triggers. There’s still a big part of me that feels like I can’t just live my life without being reminded of things my husband shared with the ow.

A few days ago, a friend had written about a Broadway play he had seen. I wasn’t familiar with the play previously so I looked it up. As I was reading, I thought it sounded like a fantastic performance to watch. There was a link on the article that directed you to the main actor’s Playbill page. There I saw that he had been the star in a play that my husband had seen with the ow- he was in it the same year they watched it. So then watching his current play lost its appeal for me. I couldn’t get past the possibility that I would be enjoying the performance of an actor my husband and the ow enjoyed together. 

Later in the week, I read a blog where a wife shared a particular brand of soaps her husband had gotten her for Christmas. It was the same brand of soap the ow had asked my husband  to buy her for Christmas. The blogger wrote about how lovely the soaps were, and how her sweet husband had made a bubble bath for her with them. All I could think, as I read it, was that her husband had brought these beautiful, expensive soaps for her while my husband had brought them for the ow. It just makes me feel so sick- I picture her opening up every gift and I hate them both! 

On New Years Eve we were watching the televised special with our kids. I was looking at some store sales at the same time and this velvet dress caught my eye. I thought it was beautiful but a bit too revealing for me. I then googled velvet dresses to see if I could find some other, more modest ones. When my search pulled up, there were some images too.  I immediately saw one that reminded me of a dress I had when I first started dating my husband. He had loved seeing me in that dress.  I got excited thinking about how I could get it and surprise my husband.  I though that it would be a sweet reminder of our early love. I clicked on it and it took me to the store that sold it. It was the same store my husband once brought a dress from-for the ow.

I had not thought about that stupid dress in so long but now I was sitting there remembering everything. How I had seen a confirmation for the store on my husband’s email. I had asked him about it. He told me he had brought a dress for me. I was so touched my him buying me a dress – something he had never done before. I remember asking all these questions about how he found it and what made him want to buy it for me?  He answered all my questions with lies.

When the dress never came. I asked him why it hadn’t arrived. He made up more lies. Meanwhile, based on other things I found that were meant for the ow- but I thought were for me, I imagined that my husband was going to surprise me with an elaborate date to go along with the dress. He actually even pulled up the dress and showed it to me when I questioned him once again about why the dress hadn’t arrived. I felt like the biggest fool when I realized that all those other things I had discovered, along with the dress, were all meant for someone else.

So after seeing the dress and being reminded of all the deceit and heartache I couldn’t stand being near him. I told my kids that I was too tired to stay up to watch the ball drop and went upstairs to bed.

I remember thinking when 2016 began how my husband would be mine for the whole year. There would no longer be anything hidden. There would be no lies. There wouldn’t be a Dday in 2016. I imaged that when the year ended I would feel so happy over that. Instead, as I sat alone in my room on the last day of December,  what I felt was sadness. Sadness that there had ever been someone else. Sadness that my husband not having another woman was something I now felt I had to look forward too and rejoice over because it was no longer just a given.

 It’s so messed up and it’s so sad. I went back down half an hour before midnight. We watched the ball drop. I kissed my kids and my husband. Then we went up to bed- except my husband. He slept downstairs- he said he felt like I needed some space from him, and so that’s how we woke up into a new year.

Im still feeling the sadness- affairs taint so much. I am having to constantly do battle in my head. Constantly having to will myself to stay focused on the good happening now.  Constantly having to remember how good a man he was prior to the affair and how good a man he is now, but it’s difficult to do when there’s so many reminders of what a huge, disgusting sleezeball he was!

But, just like I expect my husband to fight, I need to fight as well. So that’s what I’m trying to do. The best thing for me has been my Bible and two books of prayers by Scotty Smith. Smith has certain prayers that deal with marriage, addiction, betrayal, unforgiveneess, and damaged relationships that are so tender and  spot on that I’m often moved to tears.  When he writes about addiction- he writes about  the brokenness, helplessness, and desire to numb  pain in such a way that the disgust I feel for my husband turns into compassion.

We’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs in the Bible with our children at night. We take turns reading, yesterday was my husband’s turn and he read Proverbs 5. It was hard to hear my husband read it. I could hear the sadness in his voice. Every sentence spoke to his actions and calls out his absolute stupidity in pursuing a whore.  The affair changed him so much – into someone he didn’t recognize and it has brought such destruction to our family.

It tries to change me too. I’m still taken aback by how much anger and hatred I feel. I was in the car recently screaming curses as I thought about the affair and I knew I needed to stop. It’s such a slippery slope and it’s far too easy to get hard and bitter. I cried and prayed to God to help me through this. I want people to pay. I want the people who messed up to hurt and not me- but, just like with my husband’s affair, the pleasure I would get from it I know would be swift, but the damage would be far reaching and would last beyond anything I could ever anticipate.

So I’m fighting  and trying to get away from the anger and hatred I feel. It’s justifiable- yes, but it wont do any good. I know that. Over and over I bring my broken self  to God and over and over again He brings me back to sanity. He is the only one that can because I know I can’t. I know if left on my own this anger will consume me- it is so hot and fast.  But with sane eyes I can see the man I love and know. I can see his brokenness and love him still. I can see my own brokenness as well but not let it define me.  I can see hope for us together and a bright future.

Im praying for a new year full of sanity for all of us. I know the sadness and the pain but there is wisdom and strength that has come out of that, and that’s something positive we can each carry into a new year.

 

 

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More shit, different day!

After Dday I demanded access to all of my husband’s emails – including his work email.

Today I checked it and there was an email from one of his partners inquiring if their office would be okay with taking on interns from a certain college. They recently hired a new partner in the last year from out of state who wasn’t familiar with the college and he responded to the email asking where the college was located?

My husband sent a response saying he had no problems with the internship and then added that the college was located at xyz.  Xyz- happens to be where my husband’s whore lives. I saw that he had typed the name of her town and I lost it.

I sent him a series of texts saying I hate xyz  because of her! I also hate that he doesn’t get it! That in case he hadn’t noticed that I’ve been struggling enough this month with triggers without him adding another one!

I said that besides the college they also have a fucking  whore living in xyz, but that he was already well aware of that. The kind of sick whore that needs to be fucked in hotels and resorts, and oh yeah, our fucking home.

He said he was sorry! I told him he needed to stop creating more reasons to be sorry. That he knows I check his email! That he doesn’t get to have an affair, violate our family and home and then conveniently forget all the details and just mention her town in an email that he knows I will see! Not when I’m still tortured by his fucking affair! I mean I need to listen to things throughout the night just to fall asleep!  I’ve barely spoken to at him at all this month because I’m so heartbroken over what he did!

He could have just said he was fine with the internship and let someone else comment on where it’s located!  I know it’s seems like a minor thing but it’s not for me! I  miss feeling safe and I wish he would do a better job of keeping me safe and I’m not going to act like it’s not bothering me when it  hurts and infuriates me! I’m so damn tired of all this crap! The never ending load of crap !

Fuck it’s almost October!

I have not been doing well this week. Let’s count all the reasons why I hate that it’s almost October

#1- a whore was born

#2 my husband brought the whore  to our home for a second time but this time he fucked her in our bedroom. Oh yeah, and  he did this while I was at my parents house with the kids because my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed!

#3 there are signs all over our fucking town about an annual Halloween event he took the whore to! I was home alone with our kids while he was out on a fucking date!

That’s enough reasons to hate my fucking husband and hate October. There’s so little I can do that doesn’t remind me of the fucking affair!

Unwanted

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and even though I asked specifically to never now her actual birthday  I found out anyway.

Its just a few days after mine and while the affair was going on she was out of the country for her birthday. I know that he missed her and that while he was with me he was thinking about her and missing her. He didn’t want to be with me or celebrate me. We went out to dinner with our kids but his mind was on her and I feel so hurt by it all. All that’s going through my mind is that I was unwanted.

im supposed to be getting groceries right now but instead I’m sitting in my car crying over this. I hate it.

its such an awful feeling to know that someone you love was just tolerating you while being consumed with feelings for someone else. It’s such a deep pain. It slices straight through to your bones.

Grief

My father in law passed away late  last week and this week we had his funeral and burial. It’s been a crazy month. It’s been one of the most difficult months since Dday- and because I use Dday as a defining event in my life, I quickly realized that my father in law’s burial took place exactly 19 months after D- day.

I hope to write more about all this later but right now I’m just frustrated over how I can’t even grieve his death properly because ALWAYS, ALWAYS there is the stupid affair!

I think I’ve done a good job being there for my husband. But I have struggled with so many things privately though. I have shared some of it here on the blog — but shit, there is no shortage of awful reminders about the worst time of my life!

I hate this situation and all the pain it still causes. There are reminders everywhere to bring my grief back up.  I needed to get some foundation and went to Sephora- walking through it though, all I could think about was that my fucking husband had been in this very same fucking store buying fucking perfume for the fuking whore. This was the mall he had done all his holiday shopping for her – store after store – and then came home and lied to me right in my face!  I can’t even go home to see family without being reminded of how little he thought about me and how little he loved me.

Watching tv is such a trigger at times too.  We were watching Family Fued this week and one of the questions was – where would people who work together go to have sex. So of course I immediately think of my husband and his whore and I hate this. I hate it.

I’ve gotten so much better at talking myself away from me the edge of this cliff and of listening to my husband when he tries to talk me away from it too but I  hate how often I still find myself teetering at the edge of it. I didn’t ask for any of this but I suffer so much because of it.  He suffers because no matter how much he does- he can never make it right! And it’s true. He was a fucking sleezebag asshole and every fucking reminder feels like the affair is being rubbed in my face again and again and I hate it.

All I want from this time is to grieve my father in law. But I can’t even do that! One of the things that my husband told the whore is that maybe they could be together when his parents die. Apparently he knew they wouldn’t be welcoming a whore with open arms and though my head and heart knows he loves me there is still a fear. A persistent, nagging voice that reminds me of these words he said to her and it breaks my heart!

Fucking edge!!! God please help me from falling in!

 

 

 

Trauma

I thought telling my husband everything would help and it did to an extent but this pain is so deep and there are so many facets to it.

Im so exhausted. We have been here since Friday night. My FIL is dying and we’re just waiting for it to happen and though my faith tells me he will be going to better place and that his soul will be free from this body that has kept him shackled for so long  i am still so heartbroken. I imagine the emptiness we will feel once he is gone. The empty rooms, the empty chairs that he favored, the man missing who shared stories with us that he had read or heard on the news or called us into his room to hear a song or a sermon.

But before the emptiness can be felt we have to watch him become more and more weak. He’s barely awake.  In some of the moments when he’s been responsive, he’s indicated that he’s hungry but he can’t swallow anymore and so they take small sponges on a stick and place it in ice water and then into his mouth and let him suck on it. That is all he has the strength and awareness to do now and it’s incredibly hard to see.

We surround his bed when he opens his eyes – it’s like he’s giving us a gift when he finally opens up those eyes. We know how difficult it is for him to just do that, and we want to fill them up with images of family and friends. We want to tell him he’s home, we have him, we’ll take care of him and we love him.

its good to have him home. It’s what he wanted but caring for him is overwhelming. It took his wife and two kids to change his diaper last night. My husband and I talked about it last night before we went to bed. I wondered if my FIL had been aware when they had changed him? I knew how my dad struggled with us, his wife- but especially his children, changing his diaper. My husband said that he thought his dad was aware. He had opened his eyes when he they told him they were going to change him and had  looked at them for a moment before closing them again.

My husband and I slept separately last night. He wanted to be close by his dad so while his mom slept on a couch by the hospital bed- refusing to be any further away from her husband, he slept in a bedroom downstairs. The kids and I slept upstairs. They’re too scared to sleep on a separate level without us and so I slept with them.

And as I lay in bed- another memory came to mind. My dad’s first day home. It was a Thursday when he came home. The next day, Friday, I told my siblings I would stay the night with my parents into Sunday . My little niece was told to stay upstairs because she had gotten the stomach bug a few days earlier and the last thing we wanted was for my dad to get it. My siblings and nieces went home in Friday evening. My mom slept on the couch by my dad’s hospital bed and I slept in the bedroom downstairs.

In the middle of the night I heard my mom throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug.  I remember her not letting me clean up because she didn’t want me to catch it. I remember listening to her throwing up through the night. I remember changing my dad’s diapers on my own that night. I remember how angry he was that i was changing his diaper. I remember the next day my  mom helping me change him  even though she was still so weak because it was too much for me to do on my own.

I was so overwhelmed that first weekend that my dad came home. My husband couldn’t come but my Inlaws were kind enough to have my children stay with them. I don’t know if was during this first night or the following Saturday but I was so overwhelmed by everything and so I was using my phone. I ended up looking at our credit card statements and there was a charge for movie tickets and another charge from the movie theater itself. I remember calling my husband right away. He was sleepy but I asked him if he had gone to the movies with someone. I couldn’t imagine him doing that. He said no- I told him about the charges. He told me he would look into it and call me back.

He called me back a few minutes later and told me that he called our credit card company. That it looked like someone had gotten our credit card number and used it on the Fandango site to purchase tickets. When I asked about the use at the movie theater itself he said he didn’t know -that this is what the credit card company had told him and they would be sending out new cards.

I of course believed him. I mean new cards are coming soon, right? No- silly, naive, trusting Kaye they are not!  It was just another lie slipping quickly and easily from his mouth. But of course i wanted to believe him, the alternative would be accepting all those feelings I had when I first saw the charge. The pit in my stomach. The nervousness. The feeling that something wasn’t right.  So i believed him.

But last night that memory came back up and I felt all those feelings once again and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as quietly as I could so my children wouldn’t  hear me. I cried for how overwhelmed I was at the time but also for how alone I was and how I didn’t even know it.  How abandoned I was by my husband. I was taking care of my dad and he was out on a movie date with her. Eating snacks, making out, and it all fucking hurts so bad.

God help me. I can’t get through any of this without you.

 

 

Hate

I can’t remember when I last felt like I needed to blog so much. Last night was hard – my father in law is coming home soon on hospice care. He’s too weak and he didn’t want any tubes or ventilator so this is the only option left. It’s heartbreaking- I just saw him two days before he was brought to the hospital, and now he just wants to come home to die.

We needed to get his home ready for him. I helped clean and get things ready, but it was hard not to think about how my husband didn’t do anything to help set up my parents home when my dad was  coming home.  And once one thought starts its hard not to go spiraling down the devil’s trail of torture.

The top notch detective I became post Dday came back to bite me in the ass. I recalled seeing the details of the trip my husband and the ap were going to take to her home country. The search for matching bathing suits, the places they were going sightseeing and on and on it went. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I went to sleep last night. My husband laying beside me feeling wretched and helpless.

For the last two weeks, I thought I had been dealing with everything well, but I must have just been barely holding on. My FIL being sick, the sadness of how absent and selfish my husband had been when it was my dad who was sick, my dad still being so sick- it’s been building up but all it took was yesterdays stupid comment from my SIL to send me crashing down.

i cried for all this last night but what I cried the most about was how trusting I had been. I could still see me looking at the calendar with my husband,  talking about what weekends I could go home to help my parents and him telling me that one weekend he had to work and the next weekend he’d be away for his conference. The conference, actually being a cover for his trip. He even lied and told me it was in Miami when he wasn’t even going to be in the country. I just stood there listening, trusting, not for one moment even thinking that my husband was lying right to my face.

That’s what hurts the most- it would be one thing if he wasn’t as helpful as he could have been when I needed him, but the fact that he was willfully choosing to hurt me and manipulative my trust for his selfish benefit – kills me. I needed him and he was going to be with another woman in matching swimsuits, renting a boat, laying in a beach, and doing more shitty things! I hate that asshole and sometimes it’s so fucking hard to forgive him for being that selfish prick.  It’s hard when I feel like this to acknowledge the work he’s done and the man he is now – I need this space to vent. I need it to hate that loser husband I had so that I don’t end up hating this great one.