Pit

It doesn’t feel right when you care for someone- when their emotions matter to you- and you know that your actions are hurting them. Even if you’re only engaging in those actions to protect yourself. It still doesn’t sit well and it shouldn’t. When you care for someone it still gnaws at you, that in protecting yourself, you’re hurting someone that you care about.  

I see the weariness in my husband’s face. I know he’s wondering how long this latest cold front against him is going to last and I want to reach out, but I can’t. I know everything outwardly about me shows indifference towards him but inside I feel waves of emotions- I love him. I want to comfort him, but I’m afraid to.  I want to cross over this massive gulf and believe that it’s safe on the other side with him but I’m terrified to do that.  I want to create and live in these new moments but it’s very rare that I can experience anything new with him without feeling the taint of his old, sordid life. 

I know this pit that I’ve curled up in to so well by now. I’ve spent so much time in it. It’s on my side of the massive gulf, and behind the large, thick wall. It’s here that I go running every time the offensive trigger is too much. When the mind movies of him and her are so clear.  It’s where I go to ensure that the distance between him and I is safe enough for me. 

After the affair- this is where I feel the most safe now. This is the one place I know I won’t get hurt. It’s sad and lonely but it’s safe. It’s my place. He can never come here. He can never taint this place. I know I can’t stay here forever and I won’t,  but in this pit I can heal once again. I can recover and build myself up. I can cycle through my grief again.

 I  know he’s sorry. I know he’s hurting. I’ll get back to him. His sadness weighs on me but for now – in my pit- the only person that matters is me.

14 thoughts on “Pit”

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for several months now and find the situation you and your husband find yourself in truly breaks my heart. I understand the pit where you dwell and protect yourself, but what if it eventually breaks your spouse and he steps back and away? Please understand I am not pointing fingers or laying blame; I know this process (for different reasons) all too well and have chased my tail around and around with this thought off and on for years and years. My DH weathers my storms patiently with me, but everyone has a breaking point.

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    1. No- I understand where you’re coming from and I agree that everyone has their breaking point. But I struggle with how to manage my hurt and anger while also acknowledging his feelings. I do pretty well when I’m feeling okay but when the triggers really get to me I feel like I’m drowning all over again in those initial feelings of anger, hurt and disgust towards my husband. Thank you for your comment and for sharing from your experience as well- it is appreciated!

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      1. Kaye – thank you for taking my question so thoughtfully. My personal fear is that I am unable to shed the armor enough before I have burned through what is real and genuine between us. It is so rare that anyone writes of how their isolating themselves impacts those with whom they love and are trying to love.

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  2. This is ok. And it’s your process. You do what’s right for you. Healing from this is hard and if it’s stuffed down I believe it won’t even have a chance to heal, the wounds are just hidden.

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    1. Thank you- I think we all have to process the feelings we have. I think my concern is that, while it’s necessary for me to do this, I’m still in relationships- and my shutting down and isolating myself affects my husband and my children. My kids can pick up on things being off between us.

      It would be ideal if I could stop time and just grieve through these hard triggers but while I’m trying to get myself back together- my family is feeling the distance between us and as the days go by, that distance only continues to widen. I don’t want my kids to grow up, look back on their childhood and associate me with bouts of sadness.

      I want to grieve it all and give it the time it needs but I also want to live and I just wish I knew how to do both.

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      1. I totally get this and have this same struggle. It makes it very hard to be authentic doesn’t it? I wish I had words of wisdom but I don’t, as I have the same issues as well. I think it’s ok for our husbands to suffer in our distance, as it is a consequence for their choice and we can’t suffer only to protect them, that’s not fair or healthy for either. However, when the kids have to suffer, while that is also “good” for their father, it is unfair for them and that is when I think “is this worth the effort to stay? What am I teaching them? What are they learning from me creating distance? Are they learning self care? Are they learning acceptance of bad choices? Am I sending the wrong message?” It’s so hard to know! The depth of hurt and damage that has been done by this type of betrayal is immeasurable and the walk we have in the wake is impossible to reconcile. Be gentle with yourself and notice and care for your needs. I think the fact that you are aware of the effects this has on everyone is good…and likely means it’s not as bad as you might think it could be. I’m so sorry for the feelings you are experiencing right now. They are not easy.

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  3. Kaye, can you tell him, or have you told him, why you are feeling this current cold front? Your reasoning is brilliantly clear and it might be enough to give him the hope you want him to have.

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  4. Oh Kaye! You feel like this a lot of the time too? Sometimes I feel the walls I have built since DDay will never come down. I don’t want to live like this forever, but I don’t feel safe enough to open my heart to OH again. I know it hurts him when I don’t respond to his affectionate overtures, but the enormity of his past actions is still all too present a lot of the time. Having a bad few days too, so every sympathy. I will come out of feeling this bad again at some stage, and so will you! Your H just needs to be patient. Much love, X

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  6. Kaye,
    Thank you for this. For summing up what I have felt and still feel. The pit.
    I showed it to my husband and he was grateful. Said it made him realize that we are not alone in this awful journey. Perhaps your words here could help with your husband? Love to you.

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    1. I’m glad that it could help you! You definitely are not alone. This is a deep betrayal and the pain it causes doesn’t go away easily.

      I don’t know- I wish I could share this with my husband but I feel like it would make me so vulnerable. It would expose too much of me and I just don’t trust him right now.

      I trust myself with myself – that’s the kind of headspace I’m in right now.

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