Not the day

I really needed to vent in that last post – part of it is that it is  almost October and October is full of awful triggers.   The other part though, is that a few days earlier I had reactivated my facebook account. I was looking to see if my cousin, who is currently studying abroad,  was still on it because I wanted to get in touch with him about something. Unfortunately while I was trying to search for him, n.e’s (aka whore’s) profile came up because their names start with similar letters. I thought I had blocked her but it turns out that in my rush to block her, I had accidentally blocked the wrong person instead.

Then I made the awful choice to click on her profile and just seeing her brought back all these hurts. It’s hard to look at her and know my husband had a physical relationship with her. It brought up so many insecurities, anger and  sadness. The past few days I’ve delt with the hurt by icing out my husband. To know he was not only capable of such duplicity but comfortable with it – sickens me. To know how low he went breaks my heart.  I found myself home alone screaming fuck you over and over again yesterday morning. The anger I feel is still hot and volatile 19 months later.

This recovery process is such a constant uphill climb. Every time I think I’ve made some headway there’s another turn that brings another hard climb. So today I’m sad. I’ve woken up the past two nights sad and overwhelmed  and cried inconsolably. I never should have been treated the way I was treated and I know my husband now hates that he treated  me that way but it doesn’t undo the hurt and pain of knowing there was a time that he justified it.  It makes me hate him and I wonder if there will always be a part of me that hates him for being a selfish, cowardly asshole. I hope not. I hope one day I can think about what happened, be triggered, or reminded about the affair and not hate him. But today is not that day.